Thread by @Jenni4Canesten

CW.
I've wanted to write something about #depression for a while but I've been TOO DEPRESSED! Anyway this is not my first black dog rodeo and I'm on my way out the other side the last week. I think. So this is a 🧵. massive CONTENT WARNING for depression, suicide, my bullshit

So 2 things made me want to 🧵. There's an event coming up in the next few weeks that will bring out a lot of Mental Health Matters-ing people who would normally rather sell their home and move to Mars with El*n before they'd ask how you are ( I'm not naming the event)

Plus I saw this tweet from an account with over 13 million followes while I was doom scrolling and it struck me AGAIN that MH especially depression is still so misunderstood and misrepresented.

Depression is not the sanitised interviews we see on talk shows with ex sports stars transitioning to new careers or the Insta Hun still wearing yesterday's Lulu's who can only manage a single cleanse.

Depression is messy and smelly and chaotic and unpredictable and it makes other people really uncomfortable.
This might be longer than I intended. Apologies and continued CW.

Depression is wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks straight cos you DO NOT CARE. But you still might order a dozen sundresses online to feel something. None of them will fit anyway and YOU DON'T CARE

Depression is your clothes actually hurting your skin. Your hair hurts. It's not having the energy or motivation to shower and anyway the water hurts. Breathing hurts.

Depression is not sleeping and desperately wanting sleep then sleeping all the time and still being tired.

It's wanting to see people, to talk to ANYONE but finding them visually aggravating when they sit in front of you. It's desperately wanting physical affection but it hurts your soul when someone touches you.

It's not eating and eating too much. It's being angry for no reason and all the reasons. It's wanting to be alone and hating the silence, hating your thoughts. Your stupid fucking thoughts that won't shut up. Oh they shut up. Please come back.

It's having One Good Day and thinking you're CURED. Again. But the day after you're worse than before so now you're also a fucking failure at being cured so go fuck yourself.

Depression is being desperate to leave the house to walk miles and miles and smile at the auld lads with the dogs but it's staying in bed because you're afraid to go outside in case the walk you take is actually to the river to die.

Depression is intrusive thoughts. Oh they are bombs going off. Like a 60 inch screen inside your head showing you the worst things you can ever imagine. But the screen is real somehow and you're the star and you'd win the Golden Globe for the best portrayal of sudden terror.

It's believing the world has no place for you. No use. What use could you be. But it's also drawing on a face and crawling into your clothes so that nobody knows you're not ok. Hi how are you. I'm grand. How's yourself.

Depression is like wearing a mask and having to be so fucking careful who you unmask to cos Mental Health Matters but not everyone is ready for that Mad Bitch.

It's crying and not being able to cry cos you're entire system is one big drought. And it's guilt like dragging your own dead body around. It's feeling every second every minute every hours as though your brain is now a watch. But not a Rolex. Just some pound shop shite

It's waking up day after day after day after fucking day after day until you start to come back. Am I back yet? Are you back? Are we ok? Did we do it again? Oh that was me. I'm so sorry. I'll be back in a while.
End 🧵

This was a mad exhausting thread to write. But I'm glad I wrote it. Thanks so much for all the lovely and genuine replies. I'm sure I've missed some of them. Sending love and solidarity to fellow Mad in the Headers 💚💚💚