Thread by @TheShovel

Did you know that the Coronation Spoon was originally used by King George IV during a heroin bender at Windsor castle in 1828?

For more interesting facts, read our comprehensive Guide to The Coronation. Or follow our special #Coronation thread below 🧵
theshovel.com.au/2023/05/05/you…

11am GMT: The King arrives at Westminster Abbey on a horse-drawn carriage. This follows a tradition first begun by Henry III after he found it typically fucking impossible to get an Uber in central London on a Saturday morning

Next, the procession into the Abbey with The Coronation Cross – a hand-crafted item made up of relics, including a shard of wood from the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified. It also contains fragments of wicker from Easter Bunny’s original egg basket

The King and Queen will enter Westminster Abbey through the Royal Entry (at least that's what Charles has always called it)

For this Coronation, King Charles is demonstrating sensitivity to the current economic climate by re-using the $4 billion Crown Jewels from last the Coronation, rather than rushing out to buy a whole new outfit

The Royal Regalia – the Coronation Orb, Sceptre, Ring and Sword – are laid on the alter. These items were first bought by King Edward I's Mum as part of a ‘Medieval Novelty Showbag’ at the Canterbury Summer Fair in 1301

The Coronation whoopie cushion, which was also included in the showbag, has sadly been lost to history

The King is led to the ‘Chair of Estate’ – stolen from a council housing estate by Richard III in 1484 – and presented to the people by the Archbishop of Canterbury

Charles will be clothed in the 'Robe of State', coloured red to represent the blood on the hands of the Royal Family following centuries of colonisation and plunder. Just kidding. It symbolises wealth and prosperity

The ‘anointment’ - the most sacred part of the ceremony beings – as Charles strips down to a simple white garment, representing ‘the stripping of earthly vanity and riches’ and symbolising that the royals have never done irony well

The Archbishop is anointed the heir to the throne using the Coronation Spoon - a literal ‘silver spoon’, which is only used when a new monarch is anointed, and has been criticised as being a bit too heavy-handed, as far as metaphors go

The Coronation Spoon was, of course, originally used by King George II during a heroin binge at Windsor castle in 1760. It later led to the establishment of a safe injecting room in Buckingham Palace in 1764

The Coronation Spoon is filled with a special Coronation Oil and, as has been practised in every coronation since 1281, the new Monarch will add a dash of balsamic vinegar and salt, and dip in a piece of crusty bread. Delicious!

The King will then be handed the sacred Coronation Steak Knives – first acquired by King George II as part of a limited-time special offer when he bought two pillows in 1735

The Coronation Tampon is also placed on the alter, symbolising that time Charles went fucking weird and fantasised about being a menstrual product

Then, in a particularly special moment, King Charles is handed the Coronation Fitted Sheet and is tasked with folding it neatly into a square. No symbolism here, it just adds to the spectacle. Wonderful!

We move to one of the most solemn and important parts of the ceremony now, as The Archbishop of Canterbury hands King Charles the Coronation banana, which has been used in every coronation since 1508. It’s a little passed its best

Actually it’s fucking disgusting

The thing is absolutely rancid

Tradition though

Charles rubs some banana juice on his forehead, and we move to a very sacred moment. The King takes the Coronation Bong, packs it & punches 7 cones, 1 for each of the 4 countries that make up the United Kingdom and another 3 because maths was never the Royal Family’s strong suit

This tradition was of course begun by Queen Anne all those years ago

The King, as per tradition, then performs the ‘Calling For the Coronation Munchies’ exactly 11 times, before two royal guards bring out the sacred items: 3 pepperoni pizzas and a box of Cheerios, which are kept in the Tower of London and have not been restocked since 1953

And finally, to signal the end of the ceremony, trumpets sound as the assembled guests join in the traditional Royal Chant: ‘We Hate Meghan Markle!’ ‘Why Did She Straighten Her Hair!’ ‘Down With Meghan Markle!’

And there we have it. A momentous day for all of us in the Commonwealth, as we took a break from working out how we’re going to pay for groceries so we could watch a 74-year-old man sit on a throne and play with his $4 billion dress-ups box #coronation

If you like this kind of thing, you can get more stuff from The Shovel by singing up to our free newsletter at theshovel.com.au/newsletter