Thread by @UpshotTowers

Jose Mourinho is so charismatic that John Terry said "I'd leave the pitch in a coffin for him".

But he's also a ruthless bastard who threatens ball boys, fights staff and spits poison at his enemies.

As he considers the PSG job, this is the story of Jose Mourinho v The World...

Mourinho's dad was a top flight manager in Portugal, and Jose soon learns how cruel football can be.

“I was 9 or 10 years old and my father was sacked on Christmas Day", he recalls.

But it doesn't put him off: Jose bags his first job as a translator for Porto boss Bobby Robson.

The pair move to Barca, where Mourinho befriends midfielder Pep Guardiola.

But Jose is set for bigger things.

He lands the Porto job, and announces himself to English fans by sprinting down the Old Trafford touchline to celebrate an equaliser.

Porto win the Champions League.

He joins Chelsea, introduces himself as "a special one", and delivers 2 titles and lots of drama.

While serving a touchline ban, he sneaks into the Chelsea dressing room 7 hours before a match.

After giving his team talk, Jose's smuggled out of the stadium in a laundry basket.

But he doesn't always slip under the radar.

In 2007, police discover he's snuck his dog into the country without its vaccines.

When coppers arrive to quarantine the pooch, Jose lets it loose on the street.

He's arrested, and Chelsea fans launch a campaign to free the dog.

The following season, things turn sour at Stamford Bridge and Jose is sacked.

He sets his eyes on a glorious return to Barca, but after a string of interviews, they pick his old pal Pep instead.

Mourinho is fuming, and vows revenge on the Catalan giants...

The Special One joins Inter instead, and in 2010 faces Pep's Barca in the Champions League semis.

In the 2nd leg, Barca fans taunt Jose with chants of "translator", but Inter seal a heroic 3-2 win.

At full time Mourinho goes berserk, charging wildly around the Nou Camp pitch.

That summer he joins Real Madrid, dreaming of ending Pep's La Liga domination.

But in their first match, Madrid are hammered 5-0.

The following season, El Clásico ends in anarchy, with two red cards and a brawl where Mourinho pokes Barca assistant Tito Villanova in the eye.

And he has more problems: when Mesut Ozil skips training to see his girlfriend, Jose has words.

"Hey Ozil, idiot, let me tell you something. This girl you're going out with has fucked everyone at Inter and AC Milan, including the coaching staff of both teams."

Ozil dumps her.

After another El Clásico defeat, Mourinho waits in the Nou Camp car park to confront the referee over a dodgy penalty decision.

He berates the ref, telling him “What an artist you are, how you like to screw up professionals!”

At Real, Jose perfects the art of shithousery.

He commands Ramos and Alonso to get sent off so they're suspended for a dead rubber Champions League tie.

He later describes his philosophy as building teams that are "a bunch of cunts, intelligent cunts, not stupid cunts."

In 2013, Jose returns to Chelsea and he's soon spitting poison at his rivals.

When Rafa Benitez's wife has a pop at him, Mourinho tells her to "take care of her husband's diet".

And he warns a Crystal Palace ball boy: "One day someone will punch you."

Another title follows, but things get toxic when he turns on club doctor Eva Carneiro.

He publicly attacks her for running on to treat Eden Hazard when he wasn't really injured.

The players back Eva, but she leaves the club and Jose soon follows.

His 2 seasons at Man United are equally chaotic.

Despite winning two trophies, Jose disappoints supporters and savages his squad in public.

Not all United fans hate him though: a few years later Jose pops up in a video for Stormzy's new track.

And the cameras are back on him when his arrival at Spurs coincides with the club's Amazon series.

The fans lick their lips for drama, but Jose shows his soft side instead, crying when his dog dies.

There's more compassion for new signing Serge Reguilon.

When the Spanish defender complains about the ham at the training ground canteen, Jose forks £500 for leg of Iberian jámon.

Probably no point telling him you can get them for £30 at Aldi...

But he's still a wily bastard.

Like the time he remembered Raheem Sterling was a yellow card away from being sent off...

And when he's finally sacked from Spurs, he hangs around the training ground for 4 hours giving his former players some "home truths".

Last year, Mourinho burst into tears and got a tattoo to celebrate lifting the Conference League with Roma.

This week, with a Europa League semi-final looming, Mourinho is in talks to manage supervillains PSG.

Can the Special One do it again?

If you enjoyed this, you'll love our "sex and violence" special on Ronaldinho.

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