Thread by @FemiLinzi

I want to talk about bridge-building with people you disagree with, using a recent experience with LDS missionaries who came to my house. Hopple in:

As many know, I'm a member of record but I also don't attend for reasons too various to name here. Still, it's my heritage, culture and identity. Mormonism has always been an important part of who I am, which is why, when the missionaries come over, I always let them in.

I've gone through several iterations of companionships in the last few years. We usually let the missionaries come in, give them root-beer and cookies and we talk about music or video games.

I know how hard missions can be for these kids. I often say exmo reddit is a boneyard for missionary trauma. I've spent over a decade in faith crises spaces and missionary trauma is a huge part of people's stories. Missions are demanding and rigorous by design.

I didn't attend an LDS mission (got temple married instead) but I was part of the culture that pressured young men of my generation to go and shamed them when they didn't.

Which is why, when the missionaries come over- we are kind to them. I try to let them just be kids for a hot sec. I've talked to lovely groups of Elders and Sisters over the years. Lots of good experiences. The following recent experience was not one of those.

I want to acknowledge that I know these kids are barely grown. There is immense pressure, expectation and reward attached to missions. They might have "chose" this, but only in the way anyone chooses the inexporable.

When the new companionship showed up at our doorstep, we invited them in. We had a brief chat and they asked if they could talk to my 17 year-old son. (My son was blessed, but never baptized and for this reason, he's still on the records of the church.)

I had never had the missionaries ask to speak to him before and thought this might be a good chance for him to practice boundaries around these conversations.

But I was unprepared for what happened next.

My son agreed to talk with them. I imagined that it would be a courteous, mutual discussion like we'd had in the past.
They'd ask him, (the stalwart atheist), if he was interested. He'd say no, and then we'd drink rootbeer. But that is not what happened. We got a blitz instead.

Next thing I know, we're in the midst of the first discussion. It happened fast.
I've heard missionary pitches many times before, but this was my first time, sitting on the other side, trying to understand this from my son's perspective. It was not a good experience.

I'm sad to say that it took me having to experience this with my mama-bear eyes, for me to understand just how inappropriate LDS missionaries can be. I've always tried to hold space for the impossible position we put our youth in.

But this was a conversation that wasn't one. It was a manipulative script that didn't allow my son to say no. It was guided questions that looked like "agency" but really just incentivized compliance. It was bad manners. It was condescending. It was rude.

There was no mutual curiosity and it was clear that our opinions not only weren't wanted, but we weren't going to be able to offer them. "Questions" weren't really those and saying no wasn't always offered without being combative.

They got him to "commit" to several things, including a second discussion. When they left, I was sort of shocked. I said, "Are you really curious about this? Are you interested in becoming a practicing Mormon?"

He said, "No, mom. Haha, never. I was just being nice to them." He told me it seemed like they really wanted this and he wanted to show them respect by taking their ideas as seriously as they did. He was being polite.

For my part, I was kind of stunned. The discussion had been so rote, so pushy, and frankly- offensive.
"Did I push back enough on harmful things? Was I too rude? I don't want to be labeled as an "angry apostate."
It triggered a lot inside me that's been dormant.

At one point they told us that the tl;dr of the Book of Mormon was a story about two groups: the Nephites and the Lamanites and that all we "need to know is that Lamanites are the bad guys." To which I said to my son, "Lamanites are brown people." The Elder smiling, said, "yes."

There were other really egregious things said that made me embarrassed for them and furious that they are still being propagated. But still, as our culture raised us- during the first discussion, my pushback was polite and too gentle. My son was compliant.

For the second discussion, we were more prepared. My son was polite and firm in telling them that he did try to pray and ask those questions, but he didn't have their promised result. They tried to ask him to try again and again he declined.

I let him say his no's and when it was clear they weren't going to accept them, I stepped in. Momma-bear broke the polite rules and I told them we weren't interested, they were always welcome to come have conversations, but I expected future ones to be equitable.

I ended that I had no intention of ever returning to activity because the church's stance on LGBT issues was unacceptable. Out of empathy for their mommas that sent them out this way, I won't tell you how the rest of that conversation went, but these boys need manners.

I've been reflecting on it all week. My brand has always been, "there's more than one way to Mormon." I have tried to argue for pluralism in a community that works really hard against it. I believe in bridge-building. It's essential for all of us.

But bridge-building has to be mutual. That's the lesson I was reminded of. We hear a lot of talk about "both sides" these days. I'm a believer in bringing people together. But it has to be relational. There has to be mutual curiosity.

Talking with "both sides" is essential, hard work. I know this because I grew up with extremely binary thinking. I've seen the damage it does. I will always try to approach my community with the same patience I was afforded when I said and thought ignorance things.

There are so many good Mormon people that believe bad doctrine because they weren't given choices otherwise. I will always try to stand as a person to offer the choice otherwise, since I'm grateful it was afforded to me.

But the fact that in 2023 representatives of the #LDS are going door to door and spouting unblushing white supremacy and LGBT division is unacceptable.

Apostate politics hurt families in my community, and it would be easy to demonize these young men. I am trying to hold space where I can. It's sad tho that these young men were taught not only ignorant things, but that teaching them is brave and good. That's a community problem.

So Mormons, come get your elders. It was inappropriate to encourage this and it's clear they didn't invent these approaches. This was bad form and I can feel sorry for their ignorance and not tolerate it. I want to be kind to your kiddos, but teach them some manners.

Apostate politics hurt families in my community, and it would be easy to demonize these young men. I am trying to hold space where I can. It's sad tho that these young men were taught not only ignorant things, but that teaching them is brave and good. That's a community problem.

Sometimes I just get embarrassed by where I come from.

This was one of those times.

Last tweet: I’m annoyed that I get accused of being too hard on Mormons when I have to endure this stuff b/c of where I situate. We showed grace that wasn’t reciprocated. I hope LDS can update the cultural incentives and ask: What is owed to those who believe differently?