Erling Haaland is a seriously weird bloke.
He gorges on chicken livers, raps about world peace, and wakes up to the Champions League anthem. Every day.
As the Robo-Viking smashes every record under the sun, welcome to the weird world of Erling Haaland...
He gorges on chicken livers, raps about world peace, and wakes up to the Champions League anthem. Every day.
As the Robo-Viking smashes every record under the sun, welcome to the weird world of Erling Haaland...
Our story begins in the sleepy Norwegian town of Bryne.
A 16-year-old Haaland adopts the gangster alias 'Lyng', and forms a rap collective called Flow Kingz with two mates.
Their track, Kygo Jo, sees Erling rap about "world crisis" in a children's playground.
A 16-year-old Haaland adopts the gangster alias 'Lyng', and forms a rap collective called Flow Kingz with two mates.
Their track, Kygo Jo, sees Erling rap about "world crisis" in a children's playground.
Haaland's prowess on the mic soon catches the eye of the local ladies.
But he dumps his first girlfriend when she complains he doesn't see her enough.
"One day she asked me to choose between her and football. I sometimes miss her” he later explains.
But he dumps his first girlfriend when she complains he doesn't see her enough.
"One day she asked me to choose between her and football. I sometimes miss her” he later explains.
And Erling's laser focus pays off.
He makes the Champions League anthem his alarm clock, then scores 6 goals in his first 3 games in the competition.
But he's still lacking a few social skills...
After joining Dortmund he torments interviewers with robotic one word answers.
He makes the Champions League anthem his alarm clock, then scores 6 goals in his first 3 games in the competition.
But he's still lacking a few social skills...
After joining Dortmund he torments interviewers with robotic one word answers.
But despite his sudden stardom, Haaland still finds time to be a normal teenager.
In 2020, he's filmed being dragged out of an Oslo nightclub by a pair of burly Norwegian bouncers.
In 2020, he's filmed being dragged out of an Oslo nightclub by a pair of burly Norwegian bouncers.
It's a scene best described by writer Clive Martin...
https://twitter.com/thugclive/status/1363200220616683521
Back in the Champions League, Haaland is on fire.
After netting a penalty against Sevilla, he celebrates in front of trash-talking keeper Bono, leading the Spanish side's players to chase him across the pitch.
Following the game, he declares "Maybe it's karma in this world".
After netting a penalty against Sevilla, he celebrates in front of trash-talking keeper Bono, leading the Spanish side's players to chase him across the pitch.
Following the game, he declares "Maybe it's karma in this world".
Moments after the goal, a glitch on Haaland's motherboard leads to this malfunction...
And it's not only Sevilla that Haaland pisses off.
When he scores against Wolfsburg, Erling runs over to the fans and singles out one woman in the crowd.
She's not impressed.
When he scores against Wolfsburg, Erling runs over to the fans and singles out one woman in the crowd.
She's not impressed.
After watching him smash records at Dortmund, Pep Guardiola sets his sights on the Norwegian striker.
And he employs some dubious transfer tactics.
City winger Riyad Mahrez is spotted buttering up the Bundesliga star with virgin mojitos in some godawful Mykonos beach club.
And he employs some dubious transfer tactics.
City winger Riyad Mahrez is spotted buttering up the Bundesliga star with virgin mojitos in some godawful Mykonos beach club.
In 2022, Agent Mahrez comes good as Erling signs for Man City.
Soon after arriving, he's pictured doing a "first week of uni" shop at Sainsbury's: a £7 bin, some loo roll and a jumbo bottle of ketchup.
Asked about his meat-heavy diet, he declares: "I eat the heart and liver".
Soon after arriving, he's pictured doing a "first week of uni" shop at Sainsbury's: a £7 bin, some loo roll and a jumbo bottle of ketchup.
Asked about his meat-heavy diet, he declares: "I eat the heart and liver".
And it turns out offal does wonders for his sex appeal.
In a photoshoot with GQ, Haaland nails the "sexy German school teacher" look, complete with luscious blonde locks, pearl necklace and unbuttoned blouse.
It spawns some steamy fan fiction...
In a photoshoot with GQ, Haaland nails the "sexy German school teacher" look, complete with luscious blonde locks, pearl necklace and unbuttoned blouse.
It spawns some steamy fan fiction...
But despite showing his softer side, Haaland still relishes the villain role.
In a bizarre mid-season charity match against Barcelona, he pulls off a spectacularly poor attempt at a dive.
It's a friendly, Erling...
In a bizarre mid-season charity match against Barcelona, he pulls off a spectacularly poor attempt at a dive.
It's a friendly, Erling...
Then, Haaland completes his greatest feat on British soil: he masters the Yorkshire accent.
In an interview with teammates Gundogan and John Stones, he mimics Stones' pronunciation of "Louvre", with a Barnsley twang that sounds more like John Stones than John Stones does.
In an interview with teammates Gundogan and John Stones, he mimics Stones' pronunciation of "Louvre", with a Barnsley twang that sounds more like John Stones than John Stones does.
As he smashes the Premier League goals record, there's still time for one more slice of drama.
And this time, it's not from Erling.
In the semi final draw with Real Madrid, his dad Alfie is bundled out of the Bernabeu after winding up the Madrid fans when City score.
And this time, it's not from Erling.
In the semi final draw with Real Madrid, his dad Alfie is bundled out of the Bernabeu after winding up the Madrid fans when City score.
If you liked this, you'll love our rundown of footballing scandals from the last few years.
From Trent AA's sexting adventures to Phil Foden's mum scrapping at a hen do, read it instantly when you sign up below.
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From Trent AA's sexting adventures to Phil Foden's mum scrapping at a hen do, read it instantly when you sign up below.
It's free - join our 95k subs:
upshot.email/newsletter/100…
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