Thread by @UpshotTowers

Faustino Asprilla once summed up his philosophy: "lots of sex, no rules and pure life.”

The Newcastle cult hero boozed on the team bus, brought a gun to training, and faced down bloodthirsty drug lords.

Meet Colombia's finest export...

Even before joining Newcastle in 1996, Asprilla had a reputation as a nutcase.

At Italian giants Parma, he misses a European final after gashing his leg by kicking in the door of a bus.

When his captain hands him a written warning, he grabs the letter and eats it.

At a New Year's Eve party, Asprilla is arrested for firing a gun in the air 8 times.

And he's back in cuffs when he threatens to kill a shopkeeper who stole his hat.

The fans lap up his antics, but Parma flog him to Newcastle, where he arrives shivering in a fur coat.

Flying in on the morning of Newcastle's derby with Middlesbrough, Tino isn't expecting to play.

So he puts his feet up and necks half a bottle of red wine on the team bus.

But Kevin Keegan sends him on as a sub and he sets up a goal in a dream debut.

The fans are in love.

Asprilla settles into a wild lifestyle on Tyneside.

He plays porn films on the team bus, and uses heart throb teammate David Ginola to entice girls to his parties.

When he moves out of his flat, the landlord finds bullet holes in the wall and keeps his deposit.

During a shock defeat, Asprilla incurs the wrath of manager Kevin Keegan.

Expecting a bollocking, he flees the stadium on a motorbike before full-time.

He later tells a furious Keegan it was pointless staying because he couldn’t understand him anyway.

The drama goes up a notch during Tino's trips to Colombia.

After he's sent off for fighting with Paraguay keeper Jose Chilavert, he's summoned to a bar by a drug cartel.

Over a glass of aguardiente, they ask his permission to kill Chilavert, but Asprilla talks them out of it.

Ahead of a huge Champions League tie against Barcelona, Asprilla prepares by "partying with lots of girls" at his ranch.

Manager Kenny Dalglish is livid, but Tino flies back and scores a hat-trick as Newcastle win 3-2.

He celebrates by having a foursome at his Newcastle flat.

Craving warmer weather and more liberal firearms laws, Asprilla leaves Newcastle.

He ends up at Chilean side Universidad de Chile and rocks up to training with a gun.

“I don’t like the way you are running!” he screams at his new teammates. “Go faster, you bastards!"

When Asprilla retires to his ranch in Colombia, everyone expects him to settle down.

But he's just getting started.

He launches a guava flavoured condom range and gets his knob out on a magazine cover.

In 2008, he's accused of firing 29 shots at some security guards with a machine gun.

Police place him under house arrest and Tino complains: "I think it's a bit premature for me to be convicted."

Confined to his ranch, Tino grows close to his horse, Lucas, teaching him to play football while dressed as T-Rex.

But a drunken friend gives the horse away at the local fair.

A distraught Tino offers a reward and spends 4 months tracking Lucas down.

And Faustino is fighting for freedom again when his favourite brothel madam is arrested in Cartagena.

"Please free her!" he begs in a video.

"We are lost without the madam. There is nothing happening. All the yachts are empty and the area has no life."

The other day, Asprilla returned to his old club Parma.

Most players would retire to the VIP lounge for champagne and back-slapping. But not Tino.

He grabbed his megaphone and joined the ultras in the stands.

If you enjoyed this, you'll love our "sex and violence" special on Ronaldinho.

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