Share this page!

Enter Twitter Thread URL to Unroll

Needs to be the full URL like: https://twitter.com/threadreaderapp/status/1644127596119195649

How to get URL link on Twitter App

  1. On the Twitter thread, click on or icon on the bottom
  2. Click again on or Share Via icon
  3. Click on Copy Link to Tweet
  4. Paste it above and click "Unroll Thread"!
  5. More info at Twitter Help
The Upshot Profile picture
@UpshotTowers
May 19 • 8 tweets • 3 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Scrolly
As Chelsea slip into the bottom half of the table, frustrations boil over.

After giving it large to the West Ham lot, Blues fan Billy Tarbuck is knocked out by an unexpected haymaker.

The humiliated youngster is wheeled by paramedics through a sea of jeering West Ham fans.
Back in the boardroom, Todd Boehly looks clueless again.

According to gossip newsletter Popbitch, he tells a group of agents that Chelsea have a guaranteed place in the Champions League.

"We're in it every year" he laughs, before they break the bad news... Image
As he clings on to his job, Graham Potter resorts to some very forced swearing to impress the Blues faithful.

"We'll try and win the... fucking Champions League", he stutters at a fan forum.

He's sacked with the joint-worst record in Chelsea's Premier League history.
Desperate to stop the rot, Boehly turns to the finest footballing mind he knows: James Corden.

The comedian persuades him to appoint Frank Lampard as caretaker boss.

Lampard loses his first 6 games, chalking up an even worse record than Potter... Image
Before a Champions League tie at the Bernabeu, Boehly confidently tells the cameras "Chelsea is gonna win 3-0".

His optimism rubs off on Frank Lampard, who is stunned when his side go down 2-0.

"We didn't realise how good they were” admits shell-shocked gaffer. Image
After more league humiliation, Boehly is heckled by fans at Stamford Bridge.

Furious, he storms into the Chelsea dressing room and delivers an hour-long bollocking, branding the players "embarrassing".

But it works - a win at Bournemouth means Chelsea are safe from relegation. Image
After months of chaos, fans are relieved when Chelsea line up a sensible, data-driven coach.

Or so they thought...

Pochettino once admitted he picks players based on "aura" and keeps a bowl of lemons on his desk to soak up "bad energy".

He's gonna need a lot of lemons. Image
If you enjoyed this, you'll love the story of Frank Lampard and John Terry's infamous 12 hour bender.

From puking in pubs to flashing tourists, get the story instantly when you sign up to our free weekly email.

Join 85k subs:
upshot.email/newsletter/lam…

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
　

Keep Current with The Upshot

The Upshot Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @UpshotTowers

The Upshot Profile picture
May 19
When Roman Abramovich sold Chelsea, the fans feared the worst.

And it turns out they were right! Todd Boehly's first season in charge has been an absolute shitshow.

From dressing rooms scraps to Tuchel's sordid secret, this is the story of Chelsea's season from hell... ImageImage
In May 2022, white-toothed soccer chad Todd Boehly leads a takeover from Roman Abramovich.

Keen to prove he's not a clueless yank, he proposes his dream starting line up to Thomas Tuchel's backroom team.

It has 12 players laid out in a rare 4-4-3 formation. ImageImage
Soon Tuchel and Boehly are clashing over recruitment. Boehly brands him a "nightmare" and the pair stop speaking entirely.

Although Todd's not the only one Tuchel rubs up the wrong way.

In August, a post-match handshake with Antonio Conte turns into a macho death grip.
Read 8 tweets
The Upshot Profile picture
May 18
Ronaldo put the naughty in the noughties.

He lived on a diet of booze, burgers and Brazilian booty, and still found time to win two Ballon d'Ors.

From half time fags to flogging porn to Pato, this is the alternative history of O Fenômeno... ImageImage
Our tale begins in the dusty futsal fields of Rio de Janeiro, where a teenage Ronaldo is scouted... for a kids TV show.

He stars in teen drama Malhação as the coach of a girls football team.

But he spends most of the series with his tongue down the throat of his star striker.
After rocking up chubby to the 1999 Copa America, team doctors prescribe him diet pills.

But there's an unfortunate side effect: "accelerated evacuation".

“Every 10 minutes I was in the bathroom” Ronaldo recalls, after playing the entire tournament in nappies. Image
Read 15 tweets
The Upshot Profile picture
May 17
Faustino Asprilla once summed up his philosophy: "lots of sex, no rules and pure life.”

The Newcastle cult hero boozed on the team bus, brought a gun to training, and faced down bloodthirsty drug lords.

Meet Colombia's finest export... ImageImage
Even before joining Newcastle in 1996, Asprilla had a reputation as a nutcase.

At Italian giants Parma, he misses a European final after gashing his leg by kicking in the door of a bus.

When his captain hands him a written warning, he grabs the letter and eats it. Image
At a New Year's Eve party, Asprilla is arrested for firing a gun in the air 8 times.

And he's back in cuffs when he threatens to kill a shopkeeper who stole his hat.

The fans lap up his antics, but Parma flog him to Newcastle, where he arrives shivering in a fur coat. Image
Read 15 tweets
The Upshot Profile picture
May 16
Erling Haaland is a seriously weird bloke.

He gorges on chicken livers, raps about world peace, and wakes up to the Champions League anthem. Every day.

As the Robo-Viking smashes every record under the sun, welcome to the weird world of Erling Haaland... ImageImage
Our story begins in the sleepy Norwegian town of Bryne.

A 16-year-old Haaland adopts the gangster alias 'Lyng', and forms a rap collective called Flow Kingz with two mates.

Their track, Kygo Jo, sees Erling rap about "world crisis" in a children's playground.
Haaland's prowess on the mic soon catches the eye of the local ladies.

But he dumps his first girlfriend when she complains he doesn't see her enough.

"One day she asked me to choose between her and football. I sometimes miss her” he later explains. ImageImage
Read 16 tweets
The Upshot Profile picture
May 15
Winning La Liga caps off a strange, sordid and occasionally glorious era for Barcelona.

Bribery, organ harvesting and illegal orgies: it's like the plot of a soap opera.

As they lurch from scandal to scandal, this is the story of Barca's five years from hell... ImageImage
The saga begins in 2017, when club president Sandro Rossell is arrested on money-laundering charges.

He's eventually acquitted, but only after two years in jail.

He recalls later: "When I entered prison they gave me four condoms and four bags with vaseline. I was worried." Image
There's more trouble when Director of Football Eric Abidal is accused of organ harvesting.

In his playing days, the defender received a liver transplant from "a cousin".

But police secretly record Barca execs discussing "the purchase of an illegal liver" for Eric. Image
Read 17 tweets
The Upshot Profile picture
May 11
Everyone knows Roy Keane is a mad bastard.

The United legend humiliated teammates, knocked out opponents and scrapped with his own manager.

But that's not the half of it.

From drunken headbutts to kung fu kicks in the dressing room, this is his story... ImageImage
In 1990, teenage trainee Roy Keane is helping the Nottingham Forest kitman lay out the first team shirts.

Manager Brian Clough orders him to try on the number 7 shirt, and then shocks him by announcing: "You're playing today".

Roy's hungover, but still stars on his debut. Image
Keane becomes one of Clough's favourites, but the gaffer is hard on him too.

When his error costs Forest a goal, Clough jumps out from behind the dressing room door and smacks Keane in the face.

"Don't pass the ball back to my goalkeeper, young man", he yells. Image
Read 17 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Don't want to be a Premium member but still want to support us?

Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal

Or Donate anonymously using crypto!

Ethereum

0xfe58350B80634f60Fa6Dc149a72b4DFbc17D341E copy

Bitcoin

3ATGMxNzCUFzxpMCHL5sWSt4DVtS8UqXpi copy

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!

Send Email!

:(