Thread by @UpshotTowers

You don't make it to the top without being a little weird.

Just ask Cristiano Ronaldo. The man lives on steamed fish and trains at midnight.

But it's not all vanilla. From orgies with teammates to swapping Porsches for popstars' numbers, this is the story of Cristiano...

The weirdness begins in Madeira, where Cristiano Ronaldo is named after Ronald Reagan.

Aged, 7 he joins the local team. “When he didn’t have the ball, he cried. When the teammates fought, he cried," one teammate recalls.

"Ronaldo cried so much so he had the nickname 'crybaby'”.

But it doesn't put off Sporting Lisbon, who bring a 12-year-old Ronnie to the Portuguese capital.

And he's determined to succeed.

After overhearing other players laughing at him for being "skinny", Ronaldo sneaks out of the dorms to pump iron by moonlight.

It pays off, and Cristiano lines up in a friendly against Man United.

He runs rings around John O'Shea, who (according to Fergie) had "a look of pain and bewilderment".

O'Shea later claims he was jet-lagged after a long trip, but Portugal has the same time zone as the UK...

United sign him three days later, and he's soon back to his ultra-competitive self.

Before training, Rio Ferdinand beats Ronaldo so badly at table tennis that he's "almost crying".

So he buys a table, trains non-stop for 2 weeks, then beats Rio in front of the whole squad.

One Sunday, he invites Patrice Evra over for lunch.

Expecting to relax with a slap up meal, the Frenchman is stunned when there's "only salad, plain white chicken and water."

After the miserable meal, Ronaldo "started playing with a ball and said 'Let's do some two-touch'."

But his hangouts with teammates aren't always so vanilla...

In 2007, after a win against Spurs, he hires four hookers for an orgy with Nani and Anderson.

According to one girl, the naked pool party takes a turn when Ronaldo's "awful, fat and bald" driver joins the orgy.

Two years later, he swaps his £60,000 Porsche with a Man Utd masseuse in exchange for the phone number of Pussycat Doll Kimberley Wyatt.

The masseuse sells the car the next day.

But before Ronaldo can charm Kimberley, he's off to Madrid...

By this point, his famous ego is in full bloom.

According to a fitness coach, Ronaldo carried around a list of all the trophies he'd won.

And journo Guillem Balague claims Ronaldo refused to call Messi by name, and instead referred to him as "motherfucker".

Ronaldo denies it.

After a glittering spell in the Spanish capital, Ronaldo joins Italian giants Juventus.

But he bursts into tears on his Champions League debut, when he's sent off for pulling an opponent's hair.

A repentant Ronnie then buys the whole Juve squad brand new iMacs to apologise.

On the coach after an away game, Cristiano asks teammate Mehdi Benatia what he's doing later.

"It’s 11pm, I’m going home" Mehdi replies.

"Don’t you want to have a small training session with me?" Ronaldo replies.

When the bus arrives back in Turin, Benatia legs it.

A mediocre spell in Italy ends with Ronaldo returning to Man United.

The fans are delirious and unveil a mural to welcome him home.

But the artist cakes him in make-up, leaving him looking like EastEnders favourite Pat Butcher.

Although it's better than the bust of him in Madeira...

And it definitely beats the sunken-eyed depictions of Ronaldo and Messi in video game eFootball.

It's not long before he's falling out with his teammates.

He clashes with Harry Maguire over the captain's armband, and papers report Ronaldo wisecracking at Harry's expense.

Apparently he tells him "the only silverware you'll touch this season is a pair of Greek handcuffs."

Soon he's taking out his frustration on the fans too.

Walking off after a defeat to Everton, he slaps a 14-year-old boy's phone out of his hand.

He gets a police caution and a ban.

When things turn sour, Ronaldo uses some unorthodox means to force his exit.

He spits poison at Man United to insufferable TV host Piers Morgan.

But his biggest bombshell comes when he rounds on Wayne Rooney, smirking "I’m looking better than him."

And it definitely beats the sunken-eyed depictions of Ronaldo and Messi in video game eFootball.

It's not long before he's falling out with his teammates.

He clashes with Harry Maguire over the captain's armband, and papers report Ronaldo wisecracking at Harry's expense.

Apparently he tells him "the only silverware you'll touch this season is a pair of Greek handcuffs."

Soon he's taking out his frustration on the fans too.

Walking off after a defeat to Everton, he slaps a 14-year-old boy's phone out of his hand.

He gets a police caution and a ban.

When things turn sour, Ronaldo uses some unorthodox means to force his exit.

He spits poison at Man United to insufferable TV host Piers Morgan.

But his biggest bombshell comes when he rounds on Wayne Rooney, smirking "I’m looking better than him."

Leaving a trail of carnage in his wake, Ronaldo jets off to the desert to join Al-Nassr.

They're top of the league and cruising to the title.

But they slump to second and crash out the cups, and fans taunt him by chanting Messi's name.

Ronaldo grabs his balls in response.

If you enjoyed this, you'll love our "sex and violence" special on Ronaldinho.

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