Kyle, this is Seth. I'm sending you a private message because this is urgent and confidential. Listen, we're running out of copies of The Sacred Texts of The Babylon Bee. I'm not sure how much longer we'll have them in stock. I don't want this to become public and start a panic.
What do you think we should do? Should we lie and say everything is fine, like China did? It seemed to work out okay for them. I generally don't like to lie, but you're the one who said, "Our fans are so gullible. They'll believe anything you tell them."
Also, I totally agree with you that Ethan isn't as funny as he used to be. Who should we replace him with? A cardboard cutout would be as entertaining.
Anyway, call me when you get this. We need a game plan.
With Moon Water Announcement, Trump Proposes Space Navy buff.ly/3e3MFSN
Sadly, we must retract this one. We'd like to thank @USATODAY for calling us out with this fact check. We will strive to do better.
Our writer @IMAO_ is responsible for this one. We called him into the office and said, "Hey, dummy, boats don't go in space!"
He said, "Oh. I guess that makes sense. Probably should have looked into that on Google." He then committed seppuku to preserve his journalistic honor.