Thread by @UpshotTowers

You might remember Eric Cantona as a philosopher-king with a penchant for kung fu kicks.

But there's so much more. He knocked out teammates in training, wore strap-ons in sex scenes and threatened to piss on the Pope.

This is the story of King Cantona...

Our story begins in Auxerre, where 21-year-old Eric Cantona is sent off for this horrific kung fu tackle. Yes, really.

Soon after, he knocks out a France teammate in training.

Banished from the national side, Eric brands the manager a "sac á merde" (a bag of shit) on live TV.

At an FA hearing, he tells each panel member one-by-one: "you are an idiot" and flees to Leeds.

But he falls out with his manager and faxes a transfer request, beginning: “The salmon that idles its way downstream will never leap the waterfall.”

They flog him to Man United.

He helps United win a first title in 26 years, but things turn ugly when he's sent off in Turkey.

A policeman attacks Cantona from behind with a baton, and Eric is restrained by 6 teammates as he threatens to "kill that fucker".

It's an ominous sign of what's to come...

In 1995, Cantona is sent off against Crystal Palace.

Hooligan Matthew Simmons charges down to the front row and yells "Fuck off back to France" and "your mum is a French whore".

Cantona launches a flying kung fu kick at him, and follows up with an underrated roundhouse too.

Amid public outcry, Eric escapes to Guadeloupe.

But he's followed there by the press, and ends up punching an ITV reporter who photographs his wife.

Then he pops up on French TV promising to "piss in the ass" of journalists and, for some reason, the pope.

He returns to face an FA hearing and offer an apology:

"I'd like to apologise to my teammates. I want to apologise to the FA. And I would like to apologise to the prostitute who shared my bed last night."

They ban him for 8 months and he still has to face a criminal trial.

Matthew Simmons, the fan he kicked, is also on trial.

He's found guilty, despite insisting he only said: "It's an early bath for you, Mr Cantona!"

In a moment of mad courtroom drama, Simmons strangles a prosecuting lawyer and launches his own kung fu kick at Cantona's lawyer.

Initially jailed for 2 weeks, Eric appeals and gets community service.

He walks straight to a press conference and delivers a single line:

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea".

After that, he walks out.

He's now the most famous footballer in the country, but it doesn't go to his head.

Even when he's earning £500k a year, Cantona still lives in a modest suburban house and drives a banged up old motor.

Great fleece though.

After 8 months out, Cantona returns to help United win two more titles, before retiring at 30.

He takes up acting instead, strapping on a prosthetic penis to play a character called The Stud.

Film critics describe it as "soft-core porn".

After his retirement, Alex Ferguson sends him this letter.

When Man United beat PSG in 2019, Cantona gives Neymar's dad the 🤫 sign from his hospitality box, sparking a brawl.

Security step in and lead a smirking Cantona away.

He later takes the piss out of Neymar's haircut, chucking a bowl of spaghetti over his head.

Last year, Liam Gallagher revealed Eric refused to be paid when he appeared in his music video.

"He hired his own car, got his own hotel, brought his own food, done the fucking video and fucked off!"

"Never seen him again. That's what you call a legend."

If you enjoyed this, you'll love the batshit crazy tale of Maradona's 1994 World Cup.

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