Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the next great piece of American Literature, to be released on Twitter: 
This is a truly momentous event. Over this summer I will be tweeting out my book, Not Some Random Clown, which details how I became a youth football coaching legend and won my first title. 34 glorious chapters. Chapter 1 drops tomorrow.
But first, here is the Introduction:
The… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
But first, here is the Introduction:
The… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
(2/2)
Mary: A stern, no-nonsense vice principal who hates me and my players.
The Piccolo Player: Pierre DuBois. Frail kid on my youth football team with a squeaky voice who plays the piccolo.
Dr. Emmanuel DuBois: The Piccolo Player’s father. Middle school choral director.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Mary: A stern, no-nonsense vice principal who hates me and my players.
The Piccolo Player: Pierre DuBois. Frail kid on my youth football team with a squeaky voice who plays the piccolo.
Dr. Emmanuel DuBois: The Piccolo Player’s father. Middle school choral director.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 1: I Throw a Devastating Downfield Block at a Funeral Home
Brandon Meeks was a shitty cornerback. He was frail and slow. I hated his haircut, his squeaky voice, and his asthma-induced wheezing on days with a high pollen count. Brandon sucked against the run. He sucked on… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Brandon Meeks was a shitty cornerback. He was frail and slow. I hated his haircut, his squeaky voice, and his asthma-induced wheezing on days with a high pollen count. Brandon sucked against the run. He sucked on… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 1 (Continued)
Adults who prefer these cards are the same people who make bad parenting jokes on Facebook and are still “really into” Disney. No surprise that Brandon Meeks sprang from this gene pool.
I crumpled the bulletin into my pocket and walked inside.
The dim… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Adults who prefer these cards are the same people who make bad parenting jokes on Facebook and are still “really into” Disney. No surprise that Brandon Meeks sprang from this gene pool.
I crumpled the bulletin into my pocket and walked inside.
The dim… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 2: My Best Friend Dale Gets Arrested
Part 1 of 3
Immediately after my run-in with Steve, I began laying the groundwork to become a head youth football coach the next fall and exact revenge. The first step was finding a defensive coordinator who shared my values. For… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 3
Immediately after my run-in with Steve, I began laying the groundwork to become a head youth football coach the next fall and exact revenge. The first step was finding a defensive coordinator who shared my values. For… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 2 (Cont.):
Part 2 of 3
Those who watch college football are familiar with the tragic end to the 2013 Georgia-Auburn game. Behind quarterback Aaron Murray, Georgia rallied from a twenty-point deficit late in the fourth quarter to take a 38-37 lead. The game appeared to be… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 3
Those who watch college football are familiar with the tragic end to the 2013 Georgia-Auburn game. Behind quarterback Aaron Murray, Georgia rallied from a twenty-point deficit late in the fourth quarter to take a 38-37 lead. The game appeared to be… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 2 (cont.)
Part 3 of 3
“This just ain’t right!” He began sobbing. “Murray didn’t deserve this. Gurley didn’t deserve it. I just hate Auburn so much! Goddamn cheaters! That whole game was bullshit. The refs were going to screw us one way or the other. You know it. Fuckin’… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 3
“This just ain’t right!” He began sobbing. “Murray didn’t deserve this. Gurley didn’t deserve it. I just hate Auburn so much! Goddamn cheaters! That whole game was bullshit. The refs were going to screw us one way or the other. You know it. Fuckin’… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 3: Three Knees and Punt
Part 1 of 2
Once Dale emerged from jail, we were able to focus on the 2014 youth football season. I applied for a team, and in February, the league confirmed that I’d be coaching a team in the nine and ten-year-old division. I asked Dale to be my… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
Once Dale emerged from jail, we were able to focus on the 2014 youth football season. I applied for a team, and in February, the league confirmed that I’d be coaching a team in the nine and ten-year-old division. I asked Dale to be my… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 3 (Cont)
Part 2 of 2
There comes a moment for every coach when he knows a change is needed. That moment for me came in the third quarter of our season opener. We were clinging to a 7-0 lead, but our offense had been sputtering around and playing like garbage the entire… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
There comes a moment for every coach when he knows a change is needed. That moment for me came in the third quarter of our season opener. We were clinging to a 7-0 lead, but our offense had been sputtering around and playing like garbage the entire… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 4: I Recruit the Likely Overage Quarterback with Tracings of a Mustache
Revolutionary though it was, Three Knees and Punt could only take us so far. I knew something had to be done about the offense, and it started with getting rid of Jason and finding a real… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Revolutionary though it was, Three Knees and Punt could only take us so far. I knew something had to be done about the offense, and it started with getting rid of Jason and finding a real… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 5: The Importance of Redshirting Elementary School Students
Did I feel bad about bringing a kid onto my team who was likely several years older than the league’s age limit? Absolutely not. In fact, I’ve advocated “redshirting” elementary school students for years.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Did I feel bad about bringing a kid onto my team who was likely several years older than the league’s age limit? Absolutely not. In fact, I’ve advocated “redshirting” elementary school students for years.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 6: The Likely Overage QB Gets Arrested Before the Championship Game
I had a feeling I’d found the next Shane in Billy, and he proved me right. With Billy at quarterback, we steamrolled the competition in September and October of 2014. Probably isn’t surprising to learn… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
I had a feeling I’d found the next Shane in Billy, and he proved me right. With Billy at quarterback, we steamrolled the competition in September and October of 2014. Probably isn’t surprising to learn… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 7: The 2014 Championship Game
Part 1 of 2
I was officially in trouble. Even if I could get Billy out of jail, the league told me they would not let him play with felony charges pending. “Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?!!” I shouted into the phone, but… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
I was officially in trouble. Even if I could get Billy out of jail, the league told me they would not let him play with felony charges pending. “Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?!!” I shouted into the phone, but… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 7 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
I addressed the parents who remained:
“Let’s just go ahead and put our cards on the table. If you think that what you saw tonight is ‘okay’ or think your son deserves a pat on the head for ‘doing his best,’ then you are everything that is wrong… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
I addressed the parents who remained:
“Let’s just go ahead and put our cards on the table. If you think that what you saw tonight is ‘okay’ or think your son deserves a pat on the head for ‘doing his best,’ then you are everything that is wrong… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 8: Thanksgiving, 2014
Part 1 of 2
A few weeks after the season ended, I attended my family’s annual Thanksgiving gathering, which that year was hosted by my older brother, Carter. Carter isn’t a bad guy, but he’s accomplished almost nothing of significance in his life.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
A few weeks after the season ended, I attended my family’s annual Thanksgiving gathering, which that year was hosted by my older brother, Carter. Carter isn’t a bad guy, but he’s accomplished almost nothing of significance in his life.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 8 (continued)
Part 2 of 2
“Could you please not use profanity in front of the kids?” my brother-in-law Nelson interjected.
“No, Nelson. I can’t. Not when I’ve got some northerner trying to tell us how to celebrate Thanksgiving.”
“I’m from Virginia!” Julie shouted.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
“Could you please not use profanity in front of the kids?” my brother-in-law Nelson interjected.
“No, Nelson. I can’t. Not when I’ve got some northerner trying to tell us how to celebrate Thanksgiving.”
“I’m from Virginia!” Julie shouted.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 9: Dale and I Attend My Nephews’ Ballet Performance
Part 1 of 2
In addition to Carter, I also have a younger sister named Jennifer. My sister went to Agnes Scott College in Atlanta, where she met her future husband, Nelson Spencer. Nelson attended Georgia Tech, an… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
In addition to Carter, I also have a younger sister named Jennifer. My sister went to Agnes Scott College in Atlanta, where she met her future husband, Nelson Spencer. Nelson attended Georgia Tech, an… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 9 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
Early in the ballet, Dale got a call on his cell phone. Silent mode does not work on his phone, so his ringtone, which is a recording of him “Calling the Dawgs” and barking, reverberated throughout the auditorium. He flipped open his phone and took… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
Early in the ballet, Dale got a call on his cell phone. Silent mode does not work on his phone, so his ringtone, which is a recording of him “Calling the Dawgs” and barking, reverberated throughout the auditorium. He flipped open his phone and took… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 10: How to Ruin a Gender Reveal Party
I graduated from high school in 1997. And looking back on it, I think that was the year American society reached its peak. During the years that have passed since then, there have been a number of corrosive developments in our… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
I graduated from high school in 1997. And looking back on it, I think that was the year American society reached its peak. During the years that have passed since then, there have been a number of corrosive developments in our… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 11: Dale Gives a Deposition
If you read Determined Look, my first book, many of you already know this story. But in the summer of 2015, as we were preparing for the season, Dale had to give a deposition.
It was a simple slip and fall that he witnessed at the mall the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
If you read Determined Look, my first book, many of you already know this story. But in the summer of 2015, as we were preparing for the season, Dale had to give a deposition.
It was a simple slip and fall that he witnessed at the mall the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 12: I Purchase a Waterbed Without Financing
Part 1 of 2
By the summer of 2015, I was absolutely flush with cash. Things had been going so well at work that I went to the ATM one Saturday to withdraw some money, only to discover that I had a four-figure checking account… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
By the summer of 2015, I was absolutely flush with cash. Things had been going so well at work that I went to the ATM one Saturday to withdraw some money, only to discover that I had a four-figure checking account… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 12 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
“Why is it called The Foundation Destroyer?”
“Well,” Ron said, “when it’s filled with water, it violates pretty much every building code in the country. It’s so heavy that a study commissioned by the company that made it found that it would… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
“Why is it called The Foundation Destroyer?”
“Well,” Ron said, “when it’s filled with water, it violates pretty much every building code in the country. It’s so heavy that a study commissioned by the company that made it found that it would… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 13 Formulating and Executing a Draft Strategy
Part 1 of 4
The week before the 2015 draft, I asked Dale to meet me for dinner at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s to finalize our draft strategy. I also invited Pete, a vice principal at the local elementary school who’s been of immense… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 4
The week before the 2015 draft, I asked Dale to meet me for dinner at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s to finalize our draft strategy. I also invited Pete, a vice principal at the local elementary school who’s been of immense… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 13 (cont.)
Part 2 of 4
After being seated at Beef ‘O’Brady’s and placing our orders, I laid out my new draft plan for Dale and Pete.
“I’ve decided to do the draft a little differently this year. Last year, about an hour into the draft, all the remotely useful players… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 4
After being seated at Beef ‘O’Brady’s and placing our orders, I laid out my new draft plan for Dale and Pete.
“I’ve decided to do the draft a little differently this year. Last year, about an hour into the draft, all the remotely useful players… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 13 (cont.)
Part 3 of 4
“You know,” Pete said, “there’s also a kid I think could be a legitimate star for your team.”
“Who?”
“His name’s Troy Burrell, and he’s stronger than most middle schoolers. I’ve never seen anything like him.”
“Then he’ll probably get drafted… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 4
“You know,” Pete said, “there’s also a kid I think could be a legitimate star for your team.”
“Who?”
“His name’s Troy Burrell, and he’s stronger than most middle schoolers. I’ve never seen anything like him.”
“Then he’ll probably get drafted… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 13 (cont.)
Part 4 of 4
I logged into my Hotmail account after the draft and sent an email out to all the parents of the kids we’d drafted:
To: Youth Football Parents Listserv
From: Coach Letterman
(Coach@hotmail.com)
Subject: The Greatest Day of Your Son’s Life
Dear… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 4 of 4
I logged into my Hotmail account after the draft and sent an email out to all the parents of the kids we’d drafted:
To: Youth Football Parents Listserv
From: Coach Letterman
(Coach@hotmail.com)
Subject: The Greatest Day of Your Son’s Life
Dear… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 14: Leon Sutton
Part 1 of 2
There was one last gap to fill before the 2015 season started. I desperately needed an “enforcer” on the offensive side of the ball to threaten the players, deal with meddlesome parents, and fight opposing coaches when needed. Dale served in… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
There was one last gap to fill before the 2015 season started. I desperately needed an “enforcer” on the offensive side of the ball to threaten the players, deal with meddlesome parents, and fight opposing coaches when needed. Dale served in… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 14 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
We all sat and got down to business. Dale and I explained to Leon that we were looking for an offensive assistant for our youth football team and that we thought he was the right man for the job. By the time we finished making our pitch, Leon was… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
We all sat and got down to business. Dale and I explained to Leon that we were looking for an offensive assistant for our youth football team and that we thought he was the right man for the job. By the time we finished making our pitch, Leon was… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 15: I Receive a Disturbing Letter
Since my playing days ended, I’ve remained a loyal supporter of my old high school’s football program. I’m a silver level season ticket holder, and I frequently receive standing ovations when I stand in the student section in my letter… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Since my playing days ended, I’ve remained a loyal supporter of my old high school’s football program. I’m a silver level season ticket holder, and I frequently receive standing ovations when I stand in the student section in my letter… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 16: The First Practice
Part 1 of 5
Our first practice for 2015 was at Dodge Field on a blazing Tuesday afternoon during the first week of August. I spent most of the practice walking around and observing each position group to get a better sense of what we had to work… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 5
Our first practice for 2015 was at Dodge Field on a blazing Tuesday afternoon during the first week of August. I spent most of the practice walking around and observing each position group to get a better sense of what we had to work… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 16 (cont.)
Part 2 of 5
I walked to the opposite side of the field, where the defense was practicing. His combover whipping in the wind, Dale looked positively resplendent in his trademark practice attire: ’70s style bike shorts, knee high socks, ten-year-old Adidas… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 5
I walked to the opposite side of the field, where the defense was practicing. His combover whipping in the wind, Dale looked positively resplendent in his trademark practice attire: ’70s style bike shorts, knee high socks, ten-year-old Adidas… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 16 (cont.)
Part 3 of 5
My joy in watching the Piccolo Player run gassers while tearfully singing scales and struggling to catch his breath was soon interrupted by commotion coming from the south end of the field. A heated argument had erupted between Leon and my… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 5
My joy in watching the Piccolo Player run gassers while tearfully singing scales and struggling to catch his breath was soon interrupted by commotion coming from the south end of the field. A heated argument had erupted between Leon and my… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 16 (cont.)
Part 4 of 5
“I’ve gotta disagree with you there, Lloyd. I’ll concede the ACL comment was borderline. I’ll give you that. But I want my coaches to err on the side of going too far. Okay? You know, you could learn a lot from Leon about motivating players. I… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 4 of 5
“I’ve gotta disagree with you there, Lloyd. I’ll concede the ACL comment was borderline. I’ll give you that. But I want my coaches to err on the side of going too far. Okay? You know, you could learn a lot from Leon about motivating players. I… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 16 (cont.)
Part 5 of 5
So later that night, Dale and I met at The Orchid Bowl to discuss what could be done with our dim-witted defensive lineman.
We sat at the bar, taking Fireball shots and mulling over our options with Barb. “He could be a star,” Dale mused. “He’s… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 5 of 5
So later that night, Dale and I met at The Orchid Bowl to discuss what could be done with our dim-witted defensive lineman.
We sat at the bar, taking Fireball shots and mulling over our options with Barb. “He could be a star,” Dale mused. “He’s… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 17: Punt Returns with No Fair Catches
Part 1 of 3
The next practice, Dale and I decided to ratchet things up a bit to motivate the Piccolo Player, the Ventriloquist, and Lord Stonehands to quit the team. After telling the players that the league was implementing live… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 3
The next practice, Dale and I decided to ratchet things up a bit to motivate the Piccolo Player, the Ventriloquist, and Lord Stonehands to quit the team. After telling the players that the league was implementing live… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 17 (cont.)
Part 2 of 3
“Excuse me,” I heard someone say behind me. “Are you Coach Letterman?”
I turned to find a dumpy, pale man in his early 40’s with thinning auburn hair, glasses, and a wispy goatee quickly approaching me. He was wearing a short-sleeve plaid button… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 3
“Excuse me,” I heard someone say behind me. “Are you Coach Letterman?”
I turned to find a dumpy, pale man in his early 40’s with thinning auburn hair, glasses, and a wispy goatee quickly approaching me. He was wearing a short-sleeve plaid button… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 17 (continued)
Part 3 of 3
Later that evening, Emmanuel emailed me:
To: Coach Letterman
From: Dr. Emmanuel DuBois
Cc: Dr. Marie Cousteau-DuBois
Subject: Pierre
Coach Letterman,
After due consideration, Marie and I have decided to remove Pierre from your team.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 3
Later that evening, Emmanuel emailed me:
To: Coach Letterman
From: Dr. Emmanuel DuBois
Cc: Dr. Marie Cousteau-DuBois
Subject: Pierre
Coach Letterman,
After due consideration, Marie and I have decided to remove Pierre from your team.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 18: The Piccolo Player Returns
My exhilaration over the Piccolo Player’s departure was short-lived. After Emmanuel advised the league office that Pierre would be switching teams, they immediately called me to tell me the switch couldn’t happen. The league evidently… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
My exhilaration over the Piccolo Player’s departure was short-lived. After Emmanuel advised the league office that Pierre would be switching teams, they immediately called me to tell me the switch couldn’t happen. The league evidently… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 19: My Lone High School Football Touchdown
Part 1 of 2
It is worth pausing for a moment to recount the greatest moment of my high school football career. I was a devastating downfield blocking wide receiver in high school. By my count, my blocking was responsible for… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
It is worth pausing for a moment to recount the greatest moment of my high school football career. I was a devastating downfield blocking wide receiver in high school. By my count, my blocking was responsible for… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 19 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
Unfortunately, I collided with Jeremy instead, causing him to fumble the ball forward into the end zone. I saw the ball laying untouched in the end zone and realized it was my chance for glory. As I got off the ground and ran toward the ball, I… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
Unfortunately, I collided with Jeremy instead, causing him to fumble the ball forward into the end zone. I saw the ball laying untouched in the end zone and realized it was my chance for glory. As I got off the ground and ran toward the ball, I… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 20: Game One of the 2015 Season
Part 1 of 4
As we went through our pre-game warm-ups for our first game, everything seemed to be going according to plan. Importantly, my entire coaching staff was dressed for success. I was wearing a mint condition “No Fear” T-shirt… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 4
As we went through our pre-game warm-ups for our first game, everything seemed to be going according to plan. Importantly, my entire coaching staff was dressed for success. I was wearing a mint condition “No Fear” T-shirt… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 20 (cont.)
Part 2 of 4
“I’m okay, man,” he said weakly.
Dr. Stanley Gosnell, a cardiologist and the father of one of my team's shittier players, knelt beside Dale.
“Dale!” Dr. Gosnell said loudly. “Dale! I need you to look up at me!” Dr. Gosnell pulled out a small… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 4
“I’m okay, man,” he said weakly.
Dr. Stanley Gosnell, a cardiologist and the father of one of my team's shittier players, knelt beside Dale.
“Dale!” Dr. Gosnell said loudly. “Dale! I need you to look up at me!” Dr. Gosnell pulled out a small… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 20 (cont.)
Part 3 of 4
With all the chaos surrounding Dale’s fall and the paramedics arriving, the game ended up getting delayed by half an hour. I didn’t know what to do about the defense. I’d always given Dale carte blanche authority for all defensive strategy and… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 4
With all the chaos surrounding Dale’s fall and the paramedics arriving, the game ended up getting delayed by half an hour. I didn’t know what to do about the defense. I’d always given Dale carte blanche authority for all defensive strategy and… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 20 (cont.)
Part 4 of 4
By the time the other team got inside our twenty-yard line, the game was almost over. They ended up scoring with about thirty seconds left, so we were able to kneel it a couple of times and escape with a 27-25 victory. Leon and I carried the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 4 of 4
By the time the other team got inside our twenty-yard line, the game was almost over. They ended up scoring with about thirty seconds left, so we were able to kneel it a couple of times and escape with a 27-25 victory. Leon and I carried the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 21: Dale Gets Suspended
I was deeply concerned about how soon we would get Dale back. All disciplinary matters were handled by the youth football league’s assistant league director, Timmy Matthews. Timmy is a Georgia Tech graduate who oversees the photo department at the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
I was deeply concerned about how soon we would get Dale back. All disciplinary matters were handled by the youth football league’s assistant league director, Timmy Matthews. Timmy is a Georgia Tech graduate who oversees the photo department at the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 22: My Uncle Gary and Cousin Brad
Part 1 of 4
Despite my disdain for Timmy, I knew I had to take the suspension seriously. The hearing for the appeal would be the next Tuesday night, leaving me with only four days to get ready.
Whenever I’m faced with a tricky… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 4
Despite my disdain for Timmy, I knew I had to take the suspension seriously. The hearing for the appeal would be the next Tuesday night, leaving me with only four days to get ready.
Whenever I’m faced with a tricky… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 22 (cont.)
Part 2 of 4
The next Monday, Dale and I met with Brad to discuss our plans for the hearing. Brad’s regular office, which is a closet in All Sales Final that Shane subleases to him, does not have enough space for three people to meet, so he asked us to meet… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 4
The next Monday, Dale and I met with Brad to discuss our plans for the hearing. Brad’s regular office, which is a closet in All Sales Final that Shane subleases to him, does not have enough space for three people to meet, so he asked us to meet… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 22 (cont.)
Part 3 of 4
“Ok,” the league director said. “Dale, you’re the one who got the suspension, so you can go first. What happened?”
Dale was dressed in a button-up short sleeve shirt that was way too small with a clip-on tie and ‘70s-style sport coat. He rose… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 4
“Ok,” the league director said. “Dale, you’re the one who got the suspension, so you can go first. What happened?”
Dale was dressed in a button-up short sleeve shirt that was way too small with a clip-on tie and ‘70s-style sport coat. He rose… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 22 (cont.)
Part 4 of 4
Dale, that’s enough. Please sit down. Timmy, maybe you can help me better understand. What’s this suspension about again?”
Timmy rose and spoke formally. “Mr. Chosewood endangered several players by doing a ‘trust fall’ off the back of his… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 4 of 4
Dale, that’s enough. Please sit down. Timmy, maybe you can help me better understand. What’s this suspension about again?”
Timmy rose and spoke formally. “Mr. Chosewood endangered several players by doing a ‘trust fall’ off the back of his… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 23: Dale’s Triumphant Return
Part 1 of 2
The day after Dale’s suspension hearing was a Wednesday, which would be our last practice before our second game on Thursday. Dale wanted his return to the team to be a surprise to the players, so I didn’t tell them that his… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
The day after Dale’s suspension hearing was a Wednesday, which would be our last practice before our second game on Thursday. Dale wanted his return to the team to be a surprise to the players, so I didn’t tell them that his… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 23 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
Once Marie and Emmanuel finished their talks and left, I addressed the team to ensure the right message was conveyed.
“Boys, what you just witnessed over the last fifteen minutes should scare the living hell out of you. When I tell you, ‘an hour… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
Once Marie and Emmanuel finished their talks and left, I addressed the team to ensure the right message was conveyed.
“Boys, what you just witnessed over the last fifteen minutes should scare the living hell out of you. When I tell you, ‘an hour… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 24: The Second Game of the 2015 Season
With Dale back, we were firing on all cylinders for our second game and dominated. Immediately before kickoff, we had the Piccolo Player walk out to mid-field and play the “Rains of Castamere” on his violin. He was flanked on both… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
With Dale back, we were firing on all cylinders for our second game and dominated. Immediately before kickoff, we had the Piccolo Player walk out to mid-field and play the “Rains of Castamere” on his violin. He was flanked on both… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 25: River Tubing in Helen
Part 1 of 2
Lord Stonehands aside, I was very pleased with the team’s performance and felt they had earned a reward by dominating and humiliating the opponent. The stick is my motivator of choice, but on rare occasions, the carrot can work too.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
Lord Stonehands aside, I was very pleased with the team’s performance and felt they had earned a reward by dominating and humiliating the opponent. The stick is my motivator of choice, but on rare occasions, the carrot can work too.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 25 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
Dale and I were too far upriver to reach Leon. “Do something, Troy!” I shouted at Troy the Dumbass, thinking he was at least strong enough to pull Leon out of the water. But Troy was playing with a copperhead snake that he’d pulled from underneath… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
Dale and I were too far upriver to reach Leon. “Do something, Troy!” I shouted at Troy the Dumbass, thinking he was at least strong enough to pull Leon out of the water. But Troy was playing with a copperhead snake that he’d pulled from underneath… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 26: The Third Game of the 2015 Season
With the team’s three weakest links having emerged as contributors on or off the field, we were now firing on all cylinders. It was clear that we were one of the two best teams in the league. Our competition for the league crown was… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
With the team’s three weakest links having emerged as contributors on or off the field, we were now firing on all cylinders. It was clear that we were one of the two best teams in the league. Our competition for the league crown was… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 27: The DT with the Rat Tail and His Cousin Cody
Part 1 of 2
The Monday after our third game, Dale started telling a patron at the Sonic where he works about our team’s defensive line issues. Dale’s been warned by his manager to stop these conversations after several… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
The Monday after our third game, Dale started telling a patron at the Sonic where he works about our team’s defensive line issues. Dale’s been warned by his manager to stop these conversations after several… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 27 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
“The only problem is that he lives with his mom and step-dad over in Lula, which is across the county line.”
“God I hate Lula. It’s like Alto’s annoying little brother who no one likes but is always hanging around. I won’t judge him for living… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
“The only problem is that he lives with his mom and step-dad over in Lula, which is across the county line.”
“God I hate Lula. It’s like Alto’s annoying little brother who no one likes but is always hanging around. I won’t judge him for living… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 28: The Vegan
Part 1 of 2
The DT with the Rat Tail and his Cousin Cody got their first action in our fourth game. They were as dominant as I’d hoped. Before the game, Dale taught both of them how to use the Deacon Jones “head slap,” and by the end of the second quarter… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
The DT with the Rat Tail and his Cousin Cody got their first action in our fourth game. They were as dominant as I’d hoped. Before the game, Dale taught both of them how to use the Deacon Jones “head slap,” and by the end of the second quarter… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 28 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
“We know he’s a vegan,” Abby said. “Animals are here for us to share the Earth with, not to cannibalize. That’s why we’re a vegan family.”
“Price!” I shouted. “I’m ordering you to eat that burger right now!”
“I can’t let him do that, man,” Dan… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
“We know he’s a vegan,” Abby said. “Animals are here for us to share the Earth with, not to cannibalize. That’s why we’re a vegan family.”
“Price!” I shouted. “I’m ordering you to eat that burger right now!”
“I can’t let him do that, man,” Dan… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 29: Dale and I Pawn Randy’s Laptop to Attend the Georgia-Alabama Game
Part 1 of 2
On Saturday, October 3, 2015, Georgia played Alabama at Sanford Stadium in Athens in a much-anticipated matchup. It went without saying that Dale and I were determined to make our way to… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
On Saturday, October 3, 2015, Georgia played Alabama at Sanford Stadium in Athens in a much-anticipated matchup. It went without saying that Dale and I were determined to make our way to… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 29 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
An elderly Alabama fan in a wheelchair with a hat indicating he was a World War II veteran was sprayed with onion dip. He was displeased.
“Hey!” he shouted at me. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I stood up, thanked him for his service, and… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
An elderly Alabama fan in a wheelchair with a hat indicating he was a World War II veteran was sprayed with onion dip. He was displeased.
“Hey!” he shouted at me. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I stood up, thanked him for his service, and… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 30: The Vegan Quits
With the DT with the Rat Tail and his Cousin Cody on the team, everything clicked into place for my team. We motored through our next three opponents and were 7-0 heading into the final game of the regular season. We had already secured a spot in the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
With the DT with the Rat Tail and his Cousin Cody on the team, everything clicked into place for my team. We motored through our next three opponents and were 7-0 heading into the final game of the regular season. We had already secured a spot in the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 31: The Semi-Finals
The Broncos were our opponents in the semi-final round of the playoffs. They were a good team with some good athletes, so I felt it was important to intimidate them from the outset. The Piccolo Player playing “The Rains of Castamere” on his fiddle at… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
The Broncos were our opponents in the semi-final round of the playoffs. They were a good team with some good athletes, so I felt it was important to intimidate them from the outset. The Piccolo Player playing “The Rains of Castamere” on his fiddle at… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 32: The Haunted House
Part 1 of 2
After prevailing in the semi-finals, I decided to take the players and coaches to a haunted house as a team-building outing since Halloween was just around the corner. The local haunted house is admittedly quite scary. It’s run by Misty… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
After prevailing in the semi-finals, I decided to take the players and coaches to a haunted house as a team-building outing since Halloween was just around the corner. The local haunted house is admittedly quite scary. It’s run by Misty… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 32 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
While Dale is afraid of almost nothing (we’re talking about a guy who once leg dropped a family of rattlesnakes on a dare), he’s absolutely terrified of the paranormal. He had night terrors and refused to use VCRs for a good two years after he… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
While Dale is afraid of almost nothing (we’re talking about a guy who once leg dropped a family of rattlesnakes on a dare), he’s absolutely terrified of the paranormal. He had night terrors and refused to use VCRs for a good two years after he… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 33: The DT with the Rat Tail’s Status is Put in Peril
Part 1 of 2
A confluence of very unfortunate circumstances nearly cost us our best defensive player before the championship game.
Early Tuesday afternoon, two days before the championship game, I got a call from… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 2
A confluence of very unfortunate circumstances nearly cost us our best defensive player before the championship game.
Early Tuesday afternoon, two days before the championship game, I got a call from… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 33 (cont.)
Part 2 of 2
Brad’s performance in the vice principal’s office was masterful. Brad informed Mary that he was invoking the Fifth Amendment and would object to any suspension on the basis that the school had failed to read the DT with the Rat Tail his Miranda… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 2
Brad’s performance in the vice principal’s office was masterful. Brad informed Mary that he was invoking the Fifth Amendment and would object to any suspension on the basis that the school had failed to read the DT with the Rat Tail his Miranda… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
CHAPTER 34: A Championship Game for the Ages
Part 1 of 7
With all crises now behind me, I was able to focus exclusively on Thursday, November 5, 2015. Adding to the drama was the fact that the Giants’ head coach was Steve Tomlin, my old nemesis from the funeral home. Steve’s… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 1 of 7
With all crises now behind me, I was able to focus exclusively on Thursday, November 5, 2015. Adding to the drama was the fact that the Giants’ head coach was Steve Tomlin, my old nemesis from the funeral home. Steve’s… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 34 (cont.)
Part 2 of 7
Shane, meanwhile, focused his efforts on social media. He spent much of the week on The Flock’s Facebook page making “unspoken” prayer requests on Joshua Mooney’s behalf and referencing unspecified “demons” that Joshua was battling. Brad placed an… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 2 of 7
Shane, meanwhile, focused his efforts on social media. He spent much of the week on The Flock’s Facebook page making “unspoken” prayer requests on Joshua Mooney’s behalf and referencing unspecified “demons” that Joshua was battling. Brad placed an… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 34 (cont.)
Part 3 of 7
Unfortunately, we were a little too amped up and didn’t play very well in the first half. The defense was worse than usual and gave up two first-quarter scores, but thankfully the Giants failed to convert their extra points, so we were down 12-0.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 3 of 7
Unfortunately, we were a little too amped up and didn’t play very well in the first half. The defense was worse than usual and gave up two first-quarter scores, but thankfully the Giants failed to convert their extra points, so we were down 12-0.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 34 (cont.)
Part 4 of 7
Behind the Formation of Death, the offense was able to put another score on the board late in the third quarter, making it 19-14. But the Giants had a formidable defense, and we were not able to score like I’d hoped. With two minutes left, we got… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 4 of 7
Behind the Formation of Death, the offense was able to put another score on the board late in the third quarter, making it 19-14. But the Giants had a formidable defense, and we were not able to score like I’d hoped. With two minutes left, we got… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 34 (cont.)
Part 5 of 7
When we got to the parking lot, I addressed the team and told them how proud I was of them, especially the Piccolo Player. As a symbolic gesture of how the Piccolo Player is no longer defined by his piccolo playing, we asked him to go get his… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 5 of 7
When we got to the parking lot, I addressed the team and told them how proud I was of them, especially the Piccolo Player. As a symbolic gesture of how the Piccolo Player is no longer defined by his piccolo playing, we asked him to go get his… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 34 (cont.)
Part 6 of 7
The celebration also brought together a lot of people who otherwise never would have spoken to one another. Emmanuel DuBois hired Bear Burrell to pressure wash his fence. Bear apologized to me for Troy’s disappointing performance and said that he… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 6 of 7
The celebration also brought together a lot of people who otherwise never would have spoken to one another. Emmanuel DuBois hired Bear Burrell to pressure wash his fence. Bear apologized to me for Troy’s disappointing performance and said that he… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Chapter 34 (cont.)
Part 7 of 7
Dale stood atop one of the barstools. “I wanna propose a toast!” he yelled, getting everyone’s attention. “I can’t tell y’all how much this championship means to me,” he said, beginning to choke up. “Two years ago, I was passed out in the bushes… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Part 7 of 7
Dale stood atop one of the barstools. “I wanna propose a toast!” he yelled, getting everyone’s attention. “I can’t tell y’all how much this championship means to me,” he said, beginning to choke up. “Two years ago, I was passed out in the bushes… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
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