Thread by @UpshotTowers

So it's farewell to football's sleaziest owner, Silvio Berlusconi.

The ex-AC Milan president (and Italian PM) is heading to the great massage parlour in the sky.

From humping traffic wardens to bunga bunga sex parties, welcome to the seedy world of Silvio Berlusconi...

In 1986, prostitute-loving media mogul Silvio Berlusconi buys Italian giants AC Milan.

He's given a hero's welcome, landing on the pitch in a helicopter blasting out Ride of the Valkyries.

He later admits the club was "expensive, but the most beautiful women also cost a lot."

After rescuing Milan from bankruptcy, Silvio leads them to their first Serie A title in 1988.

Under his stewardship, they win eight Serie A titles, plus five European cups.

It's not long before Silvio shifts into politics. But his diplomacy leaves something to be desired.

In 2003, he jokes that German MP Martin Schulz looks like a Nazi concentration camp guard.

And it gets worse when he brands Angela Merkel "an unfuckable lard-arse".

Although he seems to think more highly of Danish PM Helle Thorning-Schmidt...

He's caught on camera ogling her at an EU summit.

In a talk at the New York stock exchange in 2003, Berlusconi is asked about reasons to invest in Italy.

He responds: "We have the most beautiful secretaries in the world".

And at a NATO summit, he keeps his old pal Merkel waiting on the red carpet while he takes a phone call.

Silvio's AC Milan side make the 2005 Champions League final, and lead Liverpool 3-0 at half time.

He invites a Reds fan to join him in the VIP box, teasing him about the score.

But when Liverpool equalise, Silvio "jabs him in the chest" before his henchmen boot the Scouser out.

Despite the defeat, Silvio takes a shine to midfielder Kaka, claiming every parent wants him to date their daughter.

Unfortunately, Silvio's daughter shacks up with Brazilian party animal Pato instead.

2009 is a tough year for Berlusconi.

His wife divorces him after he's spotted getting close to a girl at her 18th birthday party.

And he suffers a broken nose and two broken teeth at a political rally, when a bloke lobs a statuette of Milan cathedral at him.

But he still manages to keep his spirits up.

Here he is trying to hump a traffic warden.

Despite being elected Italian PM and anointing himself the "Jesus Christ of politics", Silvio is remarkably unholy.

In 2011, he's forced to resign as PM after reports emerge that he hosted wild "Bunga Bunga sex parties" with an underage prostitute called Ruby the Heartbreaker.

The seedy bashes allegedly feature "African sex rituals" taught to Berlusconi by Colonel Gaddafi, and strippers dressed as Barack Obama.

According to one escort, Silvio once dressed them up as Ilda Boccassini, an Italian prosecutor who was leading a fraud case against him.

In 2017, Silvio sells AC Milan, buys Serie C side Monza, and lays out his rules for players signed by the club:

They must be Italian, have no tattoos, earrings or beards, and their hair must be "neatly styled".

The club hires an on-site barber to keep the rules in check.

But Silvio seems less interested in what they do on the pitch.

He nods off during his Monza's thrilling play off victory over Pisa, which sees them promoted to Serie A.

Back in the big time, Silvio adopts a new strategy for motivating his squad.

At the club Christmas party, the old sleazebag promises his players he'll "bring a coachload of whores into the locker room” if they beat Milan or Juve.

His own wife is sitting in the front row...

And if you're wondering what kind of woman would marry an 86-year-old disgraced politician so de-sensitized to prostitutes that he measures them by the "coachload", the answer is 32-year-old Marta Fascina.

She survives him, along with his five children.

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