Thread by @UpshotTowers

Thomas Gravesen was an absolute nutter.

The ex-Everton man was once described as a "grenade with the pin pulled out".

From porn star girlfriends to dynamite at training, meet Real Madrid's most unlikely Galactico...

Our story begins in the early 90s at Danish side Vejle Boldklub, where Gravesen comes through the ranks.

But it doesn't all go to plan.

He's banned for 6 months by his own club for maiming a teammate with a horror tackle in training.

He's not the only one Thomas makes an impression on: after 2 successful years, he earns a big move to Hamburg.

Thomas opts to stay in Vejle, commuting 350 miles every day.

He gets there on his motorbike, hurtling down the Autobahn at 160mph wearing flip-flops and shorts.

One day, Gravesen announces he's brought his 'special' fireworks into training.

He ropes in a clueless Hamburg teammate to help light them, before sprinting away.

A gigantic explosion blows a crater in the ground, and a cackling Gravesen admits the fireworks were dynamite.

After joining Everton in 2000, Gravesen's training ground antics continue.

He regularly gets in wrestling scraps with club staff, and one day he brings in a paintball gun.

After loading up the shooter, Gravesen rampages around the training complex gunning down his teammates.

And he still loves explosives.

He uses a broken drainpipe as a rocket launcher, shooting fireworks at the physio.

And he has a firework fight with Wayne Rooney.

"They had big rockets, full of gunpowder” David Moyes said. “They were holding one end and shooting at each other!"

Gravesen terrorises his international teammates too.

He stuffs ice cubes down the shorts of Denmark winger Jesper Grønkjær as a prank, causing a brawl to erupt on the eve of the 2002 World Cup.

A year later he dangles his bellend in the face of Claus Jensen.

Despite his training ground pranks, Thomas is still Denmark's main man.

His performance in a 6-0 drubbing of Iceland catches the eye of fellow nutjob Mike Tyson.

The boxer asks for his jersey - and wears the sweat-drenched shirt for the duration of a trip to Copenhagen.

In 2005, Real Madrid bizarrely make him a Galactico alongside Ronaldo, Figo and Zidane.

Rumours abound that Madrid got him confused with fellow bald Everton hardman Lee Carsley.

Spanish newspaper Marca dub Gravesen 'The Ogre', and welcome him with a mocked up picture of Shrek.

Gravesen isn't fazed by the big names at Real.

He barks orders at Zinedine Zidane during matches, and throws his superstar teammates around on the training ground.

In one scrap he somehow manages to knock out one of Ronaldo's teeth.

Off the pitch, he starts shagging Danish porn-star Kira Eggers.

When teammates ask to see pictures he tells them "just Google her, lad. Loads of pictures on there."

After coming to blows with Robinho at training, Gravesen falls out of favour at Real, and joins Celtic.

But he quickly enrages disciplinarian manager Gordon Strachan.

During one team talk Thomas sits with a newspaper held up in front of him with eyes cut out of it.

At the end of his first season at Celtic, Gravesen heads home to his parents' house in Denmark.

He spends the entire summer playing Call Of Duty in their gloomy basement gaming dungeon.

And ends up being ranked the number 1 player in the world...

After a failed loan back to Everton, Gravesen retires aged just 32.

Four years later, he's tracked down in Las Vegas, with a fortune of $100m from poker and other investments.

But it's not all plain sailing: he allegedly lost over $54 million in a single game of poker.

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