Thread by @RussInCheshire

I did my last #TheWeekInTory at lunchtime on Tuesday. So this is just what’s happened since then.

Pick your jaw up, Mabel: there’s nothing surprising about this level of mayhem anymore.

(Long thread, so tap "show replies" if it seems to cut off midway)

1. The Tory’s London mayoral candidate, Daniel Korski, was accused of groping a TV producer’s breasts inside Downing St

2. Korski insisted he would definitely not be pulling out of the race under any circumstances

3. Korski pulled out of the race the next day

4. No 10 said they would not investigate Korski, because there’d been no official complaint

5. An official complaint was made 7 years ago, and ignored

6. Several other women have since come forward with “very interesting stories” about Korski’s (allegedly) roaming hands

7. More respect for women, as Etch-a-Sketch thundercunt Brendan Clarke-Smith, a shite in sheep’s clothing, tweeted abuse at a woman who was simply thanking the Samaritans for helping her during a mental health crisis

8. We flushed and flushed and flushed, but Clarke-Smith popped back up again, this time smeared like a dirty protest all over the parliamentary report that found an “unprecedented and coordinated” campaign to undermine democracy over Johnson’s Partygate lies

9. Clark-Smith tweeted that he was “shocked and disappointed” that anyone could think he’d undermined the legitimacy of the committee

10. On 9 June he called the committee “a parliamentary witch-hunt which would put a banana republic to shame”

11. And on 15 June, he called it a “kangaroo court … spiteful, vindictive and overreaching”

12. And on the day of the vote, he put on a kangaroo tie and refused to vote in parliament. So ... case closed, I think?

13. Also criticised for contemptuously undermining parliament:

a. Nadine Dorries, trapped forever at Lambrini o’clock

b. Priti Patel, the larval form of Miss Trunchbull

c. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the unholy and harrowing result of a Dalek having hate-sex with a pendulum

d. A furious, irradiated lemon called Andrea Jenkyns

e. Follicular fire hazard Michael Fabricant

f. A bewitched thumb with its own Twitter account, Mark Jenkinson

g. And Zac Goldsmith, who was told to apologise for undermining parliament, but resigned instead of facing consequences, just like Wank-Yeti Boris Johnson did

14. Goldsmith hasn’t properly resigned, of course. A bit like Nadine. He’s still a Lord. But he resigned in a way that lets him keep all the money and privilege

15. He claimed he hadn’t quit because of Partygate, but because of how much he loves the environment

16. He’d been fine with millions of gallons of raw sewage for ages, but suddenly, the environment mattered

17. Andrea Leadsom, a waxwork Thatcher that’s spent too long leaning against a radiator, said it was “Flat wrong” that Sunak had done nothing to help the environment

18. Sadly for Leadsom, the previous day the govt’s own advisors said the Tories have “missed climate targets on almost every front”, and its signature policy of greenlighting new oil and gas fields in the North Sea is “utterly unacceptable”

19. Breaking news (that actually broke 5 years ago, but TV news has only just noticed): and when he was Home Secretary, Boris Johnson shook off his protection team so he could secretly attend an “anything goes” party at the palace of a former KGB agent

20. Johnson then put that agent’s son – Evgeny Lebedev – into the House of Lords

21. This was despite the House of Lords Appointment Committee (Holac) saying Lebedev shouldn’t get a peerage on national security grounds

22. MI6 also sent 2 agents to visit Johnson in person, and beg him not to do it

23. Italy’s secret services were also watching Lebedev, and warned Britain of the security dangers

24. And The Queen was even asked to intervene

25. Despite all this, Johnson overruled MI6 and Holac, and created Baron Lebedev of Siberia. For life.

26. Oh, and Fat Malfoy’s new job at the Daily Mail is an “unambiguous breach” of the rules, cos he failed to get permission from the ministerial appointments watchdog

27. Immigration update: the 2019 Tory manifesto promises to “continue to grant asylum and support to refugees fleeing persecution, with the ultimate aim of helping them to return home if it is safe to do so”

28. So naturally, the Tories now fiercely oppose that policy

29. This week, every wheel came off the Rwanda plan, including some wheels we didn’t even know it had

30. First the govt admitted the policy – which is designed to be a deterrent – won’t actually be a deterrent

31. Then they admitted it’ll cost almost £170,000 per person

32. Then the bill was torn to pieces by a House of Lords that had only just been packed with hand-picked amoral idiots who were supposed to support this nonsense

33. And then the entire policy was ruled illegal in the Royal Court of Justice

34. Incredible shrinking man Rishi Sunak said “I respect the court”

35. Suella Braverman, at a loss without the lion and the wardrobe, said she didn’t respect the court because it was “rigged against the British people”

36. Her actual job is upholding the legal system

37. She went on to suggest courts should be abolished or ignored because “the majority of the British people” demand a Rwanda policy

38. On Question Time, not a single person in the Conservative majority audience supported the Rwanda policy

39. Simon Clark, a mouse-fart made flesh, said we now have to ditch Human Rights Act to save the Conservative Party. Not the country or its people. They and their fundamental rights don’t matter. The Conservative Party is all that matters.

40. Anyway: prime minister Rishi Sunak is still battling to overcome the legacy of chancellor Rishi Sunak, and said the following were his priorities:

a. Stop Small Boats (judged illegal)

b. Half inflation (it’s grown to highest in G7)

c. Grow the economy (the economy shrank)

d. Cut state debt (it’s grown to 100% of GDP, highest for 62 years)

e. Cut NHS waiting times (they’ve grown to a record 7m)

41. That’s how well his *priorities* are going. Percival Q Christ, just imagine the state of everything else.

42. To cut waiting times, Sunak announced £480bn to employ 300,000 NHS workers

43. That’s only enough money to pay 10,000 NHS workers

44. Sunak said he “believes in transparency” and has “nothing to hide” from the public

45. Since becoming PM, he’s blocked a record number of Freedom of Information requests

46. With his trademark competence, this didn’t stop the news leaking that Sunak had been given free, undeclared use of a helicopter by a Tory donor who received £135m in Covid contracts

47. And now transparent Sunak is going to court to block the Covid inquiry from accessing govt WhatsApp messages

48. As if that’s not enough transparency, it turns out Sunak has also been writing and signing official documents with erasable ink for years

49. Sunak claimed the Home Office is “on track” to clear the asylum backlog by January

50. It doesn’t bode well: to clear the backlog by Jan, they’ll have to process an application every 4 minutes

51. The average current processing period is 157 days

52. And of 1280 officials doing this work, only 140 are qualified

53. A decade after startled halibut Michael Gove scrapped the school building and repairs programme, this week he was shocked to discover our dilapidated school haven’t got better all on their own

54. 600 schools were found to be on the point of collapse and in “critical condition”, with the death or injury of your kids now being judged “very likely”

55. The cost of school repairs is now estimated to be three times more than Gove saved by cancelling it a decade ago

56. Brexit news, and the Society of Motor Manufacturers warned the wonderful new, Boris-negotiated, Sunak-backed Brexit tariffs that begin in January 2024 will be an “existential threat” to the future of car production in the UK, costing at least £106bn in lost revenue

57. Meanwhile, in another outstanding bit of Taking Back Control, malignant gonad and 24/7 excuse hamster Iain Duncan Smith now says the Brexit he already claimed he’d done in 2016 and 2019 is now impossible until Biden is ousted from office, because of Irishness or something

58. While all this was going on, a report found the Home Office had been (probably illegally) removing people from the country without sufficient evidence, and nothing has improved in the 10 years since the last report found the very same thing

59. The report concluded “this is no way to run a government department”

60. Lee Anderthal – forgive me – Lee Anderson was officially rebuked for breaking MPs rules cos he used parliamentary property to promote his hilarious – although not intentionally so – TV series

61. And all of this – Rwanda, that gobshite Anderson, the defence of Johnson, undermining courts and parliament – is simply to satisfy the whims and desires of mythical Red Wall voters

62. And it’s going so well that Labour now has 2x as many votes as Tories in Red Wall seats

I'm contractually obliged to tell you about books. So here's some things about books. Order them or don't. I can't be arsed selling, cos right now it's better to give money to a foodbank, if you can. People are having a genuinely shit time. Thanks.

unbound.com/books/four-cha…

There's a mistake in this - Johnson was Foreign Secretary, not Home Secretary, while he was hobnobbing with KGB agents at an "anything goes" party, in contravention with direct warnings of MI6 and govt officials. Sorry.

@SoleMio_again @aeroadcf I've told you the truth three times, and have provided independent sources to prove it.

I know you don't like it. But it's the truth. Making bullshit up because you don't like reality is not the act of a grown up, and is why the govt is in so much trouble.

@SoleMio_again @aeroadcf I'm not going to debate this with you, because there's no debate. You're inventing things. I'm not.

So feel free to have the last word, if it makes you happy. But it won't change reality. Bye.