Thread by @AdamLaneSmith

Ugly Psychology truths no one wants to admit.

I worked for many years as a licensed psychotherapist, and these are some of the harshest realities that people refuse to talk about. Let’s get in some trouble.

1 retweet = 1 harsh truth, so keep the chain going.

Male depression and female depression often present very differently, and they also tend to heal differently. But most therapy modalities are really only geared to help women recover. Many can actually make men more depressed.

Men are often demonized in the first session of couples therapy. There are two big reasons for this:

One, women are usually better at articulating their grievances.

Two, criticize a woman too early and she is likely to stomp out of the session. Men will just take it.

Bonus third reason: the woman is usually the only reason they are in the room, and she is desperately trying to connect with the therapist, and the therapist wants to keep them as clients, so encourages her as the “good one” to get them coming back multiple times

Men need to feel powerful to be mentally and emotionally healthy. Powerless men feel broken and afraid. Emasculated.

To help a man feel better, you must help him feel powerful.

Most men would rather hear their partner say they respect him than hear that they love him. Because respect is an acknowledgment of the power he holds and the honorable way he wields it.

If we could make every emotional and relationship problem clear to men about why it’s a problem, what the solution is, and how to drive better results for everyone involved, most men would be more engaged in relationships. But most men don’t see these three things.

Everyone talks about how horrible the dating scene is for men today, but the picture is painted as if women love the dating scene. That’s because most men look at women and think they’re having a great time. But most women are miserable in dating today as well.

Men get retroactively jealous of a woman’s sexual past because they think about how much hypothetical fun they would have if they did what she did. But most women would trade their whole past for one loving partner for life. It’s a huge difference in prospectives.

The male suicide rate is not about wanting to die. It’s about feeling powerless, hopeless, and helpless for way too long. To fix it, we have to make life more appealing than the peace of death. We have to give men power over their lives.

Women think that having sex with a man on the first date will bond him to her. But that doesn’t work with secure men or avoidant men. It really only works with crushingly insecure men who crave approval. And women don’t want to bond with those men.

Most men think the female sex drive works like the male sex drive. It absolutely does not. And if you treat it like this, her sex drive will fall off a cliff at about one year and you’ll think you did something wrong. Which you did, but it’s actually what you missed.

A woman’s feelings are enormously important in the relationship, because they indicate places where the bond is not strong. And women know this, which is why they get so frustrated when men dismiss their feelings as stupid and useless. She’s trying to help.

70% of divorces are initiated by women, but it usually follows years and years and years of them begging men to take their relationship seriously. Guys will get online and talk about being blindsided after 20 years of marriage but (usually) dismissed every possible sign.

Most people take psych medication to solve a problem that really exists in their relationships. They are unlikely to be told this by a professional.

Husbands who complain about having zero sex have no idea how the female sex drive actually works. He's usually (unknowingly) the reason her drive is so low.

Male depression is nearly always a result of learned helplessness, but health providers treat it like female depression and try to make men feel loved instead of powerful.

Daycare has been shown to harm the ability to bond and feel secure, especially for small babies. Their mental health outcomes later in life are impacted. Research proves this.

Saying this out loud can get you fired.

Most people don't want to hear the truth. They want to feel good about giving up. They'll even pay for it.

Most people in therapy are there because of the people in their life who actually needed therapy refused to get it.

People are more likely to take a pill for years that they don't understand and don't think will actually help than they are to attempt even one uncomfortable conversation that could save their life.

Most cases of depression are a natural response to our broken society. We gain much of our sense of worth, purpose, meaning, and joy from our relationships. But those relationships have never been more systematically destroyed than they are today.

Most women communicate with men using methods that only work for women. When they don't get the response a woman would give them, they think men are rejecting them. They agonize over what they could have done wrong to be treated this way.

Most men have no idea this is happening.

Most men don't know how female communication works. They provide solutions, which is what THEY would want, when a woman wants VALIDATION.

When this is pointed out, most men assume it's untrue. Because they'd hate to receive only validation instead of a solution.

The female sex drive runs on intimacy. Intimacy depends upon emotional security and attachment strength. Both of these are dependent upon both partners working as a partnership.

Even the slightest issue can derail the female sex drive. It's a great litmus test for a relationship

Most depressed men probably don't need medication. Even then ones who do need it need more than just medication.

Depressed men need purpose, a mission, and the power to accomplish that mission.

Give a man those 3 things and he can crawl over broken glass with a smile.

Most women are disgusted when they finally learn how the male sex drive works. Then they test to see if it's true, and when it is, they start to like the new power they hold.

Most young women who experience rape only recover when they accept that the rape was actually NOT PERSONAL, because the attacker was incapable of connecting with other humans did not view them or anyone else as a human and only as an object

Women can then stop blaming themselves

Women tend to be happiest when they feel USEFUL to the people they love. They also want to feel TRUSTED with inside information about how you’re doing and what your challenges are, again so they can HELP and BE USEFUL.

VULNERABILITY indicates huge trust.

Most therapists are not trained in attachment theory, which explains where mental health problems come from. They're trained on how to diagnose and treat but not how to fix the core issue. This is why your diagnosis is probably viewed as lifelong instead of fixable.

Many people reading the above tweets about men needing to feel powerful will view that as a negative.

The ability to feed your children and keep a roof over their head no matter what the economy is doing - that's power.

The ability to achieve a mission - that's power.

Many people today are terrified of the idea of men having power because their only frame of reference is abuse.

Even men feel this way, which is why they shy away from building the sort of power that would save their life.

Become an abuser or commit suicide = their only choices

Most people use therapy the way humans are meant to connect with our 5 safety net systems, which we retained even up to 100 years ago:

Immediate family
Extended family (kin)
Family friend network (kith)
Local community
Religious community

All 5 are now broken.

Chronic pain is often correlated with low oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that (among other things) is released in large quantities inside our good relationships as we interact, feel loved, and embrace others.

Ongoing bad relationships afflict most chronic pain sufferers.

Many people who take multiple psych meds to manage their symptoms would be better off fixing their relationships to help improve their brain chemistry.

Most mental health systems will never tell people this, because the system is mostly built to address symptoms.

Nice guy issues come from anxious attachment style. He grew up afraid his mother would abandon him, so all he knows is how to earn good-boy points and approval to avoid abandonment.

That's never going to make any woman happy. Which is why nice guys finish last.

Most couples therapy is useless. Not because the therapy is wrong, but because most couples don't go to therapy together until one of them is absolutely not wanting to work on the relationship anymore. They're using therapy as an excuse to air their frustration one last time.

Suicide is not about the person wanting to die. It's about wanting the pain they're experiencing to finally stop. And only death seems to bring that hope.

Solving suicide issues is not about making people want to live. It's about helping them find ways to end their pain.

Most people with lifelong chronic insomnia don't understand how this can be linked to their relationships. They just think they don't sleep well by nature. But many cases of chronic insomnia can be helped by working on deep relationship factors that lead to general anxiety issues

More children today are growing up with attachment problems that their parents don't know about.

Most parents are not equipped to identify or help heal these problems. So their kids are headed for disaster.

Most women want to be validated not so they can feel superior but so they know they will be taken seriously, and can therefore help you during a crisis. The Grecian Cassandra myth (prophetess who saw the future but was always ignored) is most women's worst nightmare.

To stop the male suicide epidemic, we’re going to have to make life more appealing than death.

So far, society is doing the opposite.

Most men today can't imagine a space just for men. Every space that was originally for men has been taken over for women seeking attention or somewhere to hang out. And when women invade more spaces that men inhabit, modern men are programmed to withdraw without complaining.

More women hold college degrees than men and are unlikely to date down in earning potential. This is leading to immense frustration in women who climb the social ladder and then compete for a dwindling population of men. Hardly anyone one is talking about this dating disaster.

Most women are afraid to bring up commitment early in a dating relationship because they're afraid men don't want to commit and will run away.

Most men won't bring up commitment early in a dating relationship either because they also believe women don't want to commit.

I worked for so many years as a trauma specialist with female clients who had survived sexual assault

And, past the initial shock and pain, most of them were concerned about how the assault would lead them to disappoint future partners

Even in suffering they wanted to give love

(There's a way to reclaim that joy so you don't lose it forever to the attacker, by the way)

Most people have no idea it's OK to expect results from therapy.

Most will just keep going because they think there is no end to the problem.

The female sex drive can and should act as a thermometer for the relationship as a whole. Specifically the emotional intimacy and safety that exist between the partners.

If she's cold, the whole relationship is cold. Don't just complain - build the emotional intimacy.

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Most people who struggle with insecurity have a secret problem called anxious attachment style. It makes you believe you don't deserve love so you have to earn approval all the time, from everyone.

Most people with this think it's normal and can never be fixed.

It can be fixed.

If you learned to earn love as a child by being perfect at everything and never making mistakes, you probably developed chronic anxiety and performance obsessions where you can't let yourself do less than perfect.

This leads to depression for most people.

We just medicate it.

Most men bond best through a hormone called vasopressin. Most women have never heard of this or how to help men bond best. So most women are trying to bond with men the way women bond. This is a major reason romantic relationships don't work out.

It's okay to be sad. That doesn't mean you're depressed.

It's okay to be worried. That doesn't mean you're anxious.

It's okay to experience trauma. That doesn't mean you have PTSD.

Not everything is a diagnosable issue.

The best couples have business meetings to discuss the state of their relationship.

They address problems together with a solution-focused approach and guarantee mutual fulfillment.

Because a lasting marriage is more like a business than a fairytale.

Most people who grow up in broken family systems don't realize their family is unusual.

They adopt horrible behaviors that help them survive the broken system. Then they go out into the world and seek out people who match their behaviors.

Then they build a second broken family.

You are better than your worst mistake that you still measure yourself by.

The fact that you're still bothered by it proves you're better than you were then.

The easiest way to be miserable is to focus on what makes you happy in the short term.

The best way to be happy long term is to stop worrying about your short term happiness.

Many therapists will encourage you to focus on short-term happiness.

Many people who think they're chemically depressed and are taking antidepressants actually have bad brain health. They'd be better off with a treatment that includes diet change, exercise, sunlight, and natural hormone balancers. Their providers will likely never tell them this.

If you're a single parent and refuse to allow your kids to see their other parent just because that parent hurt your feelings, you don't actually love your kids.

The public school system treats boys like defective girls.

Then raises girls to act more like boys.

Check the CDC's medication rates for ADHD in boys and anti-depressants in girls.

Many people know that Vitamin D can help with depression but few realize the human body requires Magnesium to make use of that Vitamin D. Fewer still understand the role of Magnesium is stress management and anxiety control.

Pain is just information.

Feelings are just information.

Both tell you when something is wrong, when something is right, and when the situation clicks.

They cannot run the show, because they are short-term information. Pain and feelings do not tell you what is best long-term.

Modern life is no longer appealing to most people. Many are struggling and suffering so bad that the only way out feels like death.

There are so many other options. Keep asking questions. Life can be so much better than what you’ve been told.

When you go through periods of painful growth, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong. If you're working on improving, your therapist/coach/mentor should warn you about this so you don't get discouraged from conflicting signals.

Most men are terrified to ask for help. But it's almost impossible to hold a healthy relationship without doing so.

For example, a great leader can say "I need your help on this problem" to get someone invested in teamwork. But many shy away from this.

Most men who are terrified of women and claim all women are horrible actually got burned by a woman with a personality disorder and now things all women are that broken.

Most women who claim the same about men, same issue.

Extremes don't define the majority.

Saying "All men" or "All women" are bad just reveals that all your past relationships have been with people who had horrible behaviors. Which means you have awful boundaries. It reveals more about you than about the gender you're demonizing.

It's OK to care what people think about you.

It's not OK to let other peoples' opinions drive you to violate your principles and your goals, to let the feelings of others define you and chart the course of your life.

You don't have to be an uncaring sociopath. You need limits.

The people who actually care about you aren't going to treat you poorly for having boundaries, placing your goals first, or making sure you're comfortable with what's happening.

If someone gives you crap for these things they just want to use you.

Act accordingly.

Look, most men in America are just wanting an honest monogamous relationship with a woman who's not going to betray them or rob them blind.

And right now most men under 30 don't believe that sort of relationship is possible.

No one wants to acknowledge this disaster.

We've made it not only acceptable but profitable to crap on men, and even on boys.

Most boys grow up in a world that calls them rapists, sexists, monsters, tyrants, and oppressors just for being born as a male.

No wonder the suicide rate among 11 year old boys is booming.

Most girls are now raised with so much pressure to perform and be a girl boss and become the first female president that this is how many of them believe romantic partners are going to measure them.

They're trying to be interesting at any cost, and it's wrecking them.

Many men are afraid their wife/GF going to therapy means the therapist is going to turn her against him. Even if he's not abusive, and they're just not doing well resolving conflicts together.

Any many times, he's right. A lot of therapists WILL openly sabotage relationships.

Many women are in therapy for endless years because their own family never gave them a safe place to share, process, get comfort, and find help. They have to pay someone to take on the role of a trusted family member. Most women don't realize family used to be like this.

Many women don't know how they feel about something until they process it out loud with another person. This requires someone they trust, AND the ability to open up about confusing or sensitive topics. And many women don't have either one. So many are just locked up inside.

Guys aren't killing themselves because of depression.

Guys are killing themselves because life feels like a hopeless nightmare and they're totally alone without solutions.

That leads to depression, sure. But the depression is just one more symptom.

Like the suicide.

Some people are just discovering that men receive almost zero physical comfort or affection. Most men can’t even imagine a hug. They've gone 10+ years without one.

This is emotional starvation.

Everyone wants to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby but no one wants to go back and raise him to be a person full of love who respects the dignity of each person.

People dream of being a hero but really they just want the easy way out, even if it means killing a baby.

It's foolish to be friends with a man who's cheating on his wife. If he has no morals with his closest partner who loves him and gives him absolute trust, why would you believe he’d treat you better?

He wouldn’t. He lives only for his own pleasure, not for honor or love.

Women say men aren’t loyal. But men will go to the same restaurant for 20 years and order the same dish every time and be sad when it changes.

Family friend: “My son’s middle school is out of control. Kids hooking up in the bathroom and ODing on campus.”

“Have you thought about homeschooling?”

“No, this experience prepares him for the real world.”

Be careful what you teach your kids is normal. Because this ain’t it.

Most women don’t understand that (some of) mens’ annoying behavior comes from things men would like to receive themselves. Compliments, catcalls, mansplaining. These things make men happy. So they give them out. And receive hate.

A real friend doesn't "fix" you but supports you while you fix yourself.

The female sex drive is based on attachment.

If you don't know that... there's your problem.

You’re unhappy because you’re not meant to be living like this.

It’s not just that your brain isn’t optimized for the modern world. The modern world sparks constant danger alarms in your brain. And it all runs counter to your biological imperatives.

You can’t live like this.

Your relationship with your father impacts your mental health long term, as well as your romantic and dating behaviors. Most have no idea how important this is, as society and Psychology downplay it into oblivion.

Avoiding conflict is like skipping leg day at the gym – sure, it's easier, but you're just getting weaker where it counts.

Your relationship GROWS by confronting and resolving conflict together. Don't avoid it. Learn to resolve them better, and with better people.

Many people spend their lives avoiding the tough conversations, especially with themselves. They duck and weave through emotional honesty, fearing what they might discover. But it's in these conversations that we find our truth, our strength, and the path to genuine change.

It's easy to become a prisoner of your past, shackled by the mistakes and regrets that haunt you. But dwelling on what you cannot change is a surefire way to miss out on the opportunities of the present.

True growth comes from accepting your past, learning from it.

Some believe that their happiness is the responsibility of others. They wait for someone to come along and fill the void.

Relying on others for your emotional fulfillment is going to keep you miserable. And even if you are given temporary happiness, it can be taken away.

The fear of failure paralyzes more people than failure itself. People are so terrified of falling short that they never take the leap.

Fear of failure is why most failures happen.

In a society that equates masculinity with EXTREME stoicism, men struggle with loneliness in silence. This struggle isn't just about lacking social interactions; it's about lacking meaningful, deep connections where they can be truly seen and respected

Men starve for connection.

Male loneliness is a silent epidemic, hidden behind a facade of independence and strength.

Many men are taught (forced) to bottle up their emotions, to view the need for connection as a weakness. But this isolation chips away at their well-being.

We teach men to starve.

For many men, loneliness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They withdraw fearing judgment or rejection, and in doing so inadvertently push away potential connections.

It's in sharing our struggles that we find common ground and foster the connections that dispel loneliness.