Thread by @zhigangsuo

My wife, Denian, died at home, on Sunday, 30 July 2023.

She was diagnosed with glioblastoma in March 2018.

The last five years have been fulfilling. She saw births of two more grandchildren. She attended wedding of our second son. She pointed to me pretty spots on our walks.

Denian (庄得年) was born in Lanzhou, on 8 March 1962. Both of her parents graduated from college. She had two younger brothers.

This photo was taken in 1976, when the family lived in Jiayuguan.

1976! Mao died. The Cultural Revolution ended.

When the College Entrance Exam resumed, in 1977, she entered Lanzhou University at the age of 15, majored in English Literature.

So grateful to Denian’s college classmate, Helen Liu, for this account of their college years.

A fashionable young girl in a purple dress!

Upon graduation, in 1982, Denian was assigned a job to teach English at Xian Jiaotong University. She was 19.

I’m grateful to Professor Xiaomei Ma for this account. They were classmates at Lanzhou University, and colleagues at Xian Jiaotong University.

I was born in 1963, and entered Xian Jiaotong University in 1981.

Towards end of my college years, I was doing well, placed the fist in the provincial calculus competition, and the second in the provincial English competition.

My photo on record at college.

In 1985, I was admitted as a graduate student without examination.

A special English exam was set up. If I failed the exam, I would have to take English class. If I passed the exam, I would not take English class.

Denian would be the teacher!

She proctored and graded the exam!

Denian and I first met at the exam.

She was pretty and petite. She spoke impeccable Mandarin.

“I knew who you were,” she told me later. “The world seemed too small to contain you.”

I must have tried to do something to attract her attention.

I passed the exam!

“I wanted to fail you and make you take my class,” she later said, “but you did well. Your short essay was excellent.”

Many of my friends took her class.

Our first date took place on 25 January 1986, in the park near the university.

Denian started to keep diary on 2 April 1986.

“He said he loved me more than I loved him. How can he know my heart! My love is hidden in my heart. His love is in his mouth. I don’t mean to say that he’s lying. A boy is different from a girl.”

That difference persisted for all these decades. I would say, “I love you,” wait, and repeat. She would say, “I love you, too,” often after I asked, “Do you love me?”

When she initiated, “I love you,” I would pretend to be surprised and say, “What do you want?” We would laugh.

Soon after we started dating, I received a fellowship from Harvard University to be a graduate student.

The US-China relation has always been as temperamental as that of young lovers. We decided to marry.

I went to meet her parents.

We got marriage license on 10 June 1986.

My parents felt that we had rushed, but they gave in. They hosted our wedding, in August 1986, in their hometown, Shanghai.

Soon after I left for America by myself.

My parents would later love Denian like their own daughter.

Denian and I were separated for 11 months after wedding. She went back to Xian Jiaotong University to teach. I went to Harvard to study.

We called each other. We mailed letters and photos. There was no Internet. Long distance phone calls were expensive.

The separation of newly-wed was gruesome. Harder still was the uncertainty: we didn’t have a clear path for her to come to America.

My Harvard fellowship didn’t support spouse.

Salary in China was low, ~$ 15 per month for her.

Our American Dream became concrete. The Pursuit of Happiness meant finding a way for Denian to come to America.

She got admitted by Harvard Graduate School of Education, with a partial fellowship.

A fellow student, Jianqiang Hu, raised money and wrote a letter of invitation.

Denian took a train from Xian to Shanghai, and then flied to Boston.

The United Airlines would lose all her luggage. All Zhigang’s earlier photos were lost. Her diary survived. Was it in her carryon?

With her brothers and my cousin
Shanghai, July 1987

Denian was admitted to Harvard Graduate School of Education. The admission came with partial financial support, but coming up with addition funding was hard. She was also soon pregnant with Daniel. She decided not to go to the school.

Boston Common
October 1987

Denian would regret her decision not to enter Harvard Graduate School of Education. We could have borrowed money.

In 2006, Daniel was admitted to MIT and Harvard. He chose Harvard.

Denian felt redeemed.

Remembering Denian, by Yinxi Huang

Remembering Denian, by Yinxi Huang

Before Denian arrived in America, I learned to drive and bought a used Ford Granada for $ 1500, which was about two months of my stipend.

I drove to Logan Airport to dazzle her. She was duly impressed.

The car would give us much trouble and did not survive the winter of Boston.

Daniel was born in Brigham and Women’s Hospital, on 19 April 1988. It was Patriots Day, which coincided with Boston Marathon. By then the Ford Granada was gone, and we went to the hospital by subway. It was crowded on that day.

Denian would buy all our subsequent cars.

Denian’s Mom offered to come to help, but the US consulate denied her visa!

My graduate student stipend was insufficient to pay for the bill. When Daniel was three month old, Denian decided to send him to Day Care. She became a secretary at Harvard Mathematics Department.

I defended my PhD thesis in April 1989. My thesis advisor, John Hutchinson, immediately had me appointed as a postdoc, and introduced me to people with faculty positions.

I was offered an assistant professor position at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champagne, and at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

“Go to California,” John Hutchinson said. “Learn from Tony Evans and his colleagues.”

My job at UCSB started on 1 July 1989.

Our 11-month separation in the two nations of capricious relation traumatized Denian. For years she would have recurring nightmares that we never got together again.

When her mom’s visa application was denied, she would not consider sending Daniel to China.

On the shelf of our joint study I rediscover a shared diary between Denian and me. Only about 30 pages were filled.

Denian was struggling to find a job. I was struggling to be an academic. She and I were struggling to make a home together.

I wish I were a better person.

Photos captured moments of happiness. Diaries recorded frustrations of a young woman.

They were both real.

She gave up a faculty position to come to America to be with me. She gave up graduate study to care for Daniel. In Santa Barbara she had a hard time to find a job.

After her happy entry of 5 December 1990, my entry of 5 January 1991 recoded her car accident. She was seriously hurt. The new Toyota Corolla was totaled.

Why did she leave home alone in the early morning of 28 December 1990?

She had a data entry job at the university library.

My diary entry went on to recount “family recessions.” Each coincided with a big change in our life.

Making a home together.
Having a child.
Starting an academic job.

Big changes are daunting, particularly in a new country.

The spouse of a foreign student is in an even tougher spot.

Denian’s classmates would tell me that she was top of her class, the all-important class that started in 1977!

Friends would tell me that Denian gave up her dream to make a happy home.

Was she happy?

The diary showed that she was unhappy in our early years in Santa Barbara.

I received a job offer from Brown University. UCSB countered. We decided to stay and buy a house.

But a prerequisite to buy a house was that she found a job.

My entry dated 15 July 1991

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