Thread by @SeanTrende

Today is my son Judson's 16th Birthday. Sixteen years ago, I thought about how on today we'd drive together to the DMV, get his driver's license, and how proud I'd be of him for passing, and frankly myself for teaching him how to drive, the way my Dad taught me and his him. 1/

That's not how today is going. Judd was diagnosed with autism at age 2.5. At the time, his doctor said he just had a "touch" of autism. I viewed it as a roadbump. To the extent I'm smart, it isn't in a traditional way, it's in a "think way outside the box" way. 2/

(today I recognize that ability to make weird connections no one else does as my own form of autism-ish behavior, which I've been able to redirect in a positive way, but anyway). I knew I could fix this, the way I'd been able to fix almost every other problem I'd encountered. 3/

At my wife's prodding, we got Judd involved in a special school, and he was the first kid to meet all his IEP goals. Everything was back on track! He'd be one of those kids that was maybe a little bit off, but would be fine. We'd fixed something else. 4/

But, as it turned out, Judd has other generalized cognitive impairments. The learning curve gradually began to bend, and then plateaued out. Judd has some speech, is potty trained, eats well, has activities, but it isn't just a "touch" of autism that he has. 5/

Anyway, part of this is that I'm feeling wistful on his 16th birthday. But part of it is that I know there are people out there reading this who just got a diagnosis and are feeling a bit lost and fearful. 6/

And it's useful to know this: If you'd told me on December 2, 2009 that Judd wasn't going to be able to get his driver's license on Aug. 9, 2023, I'd have been utterly devastated. In fact, I have spent a fair amount of time in a state of anxiety about that fact, among others. 7/

But here's the thing: On Aug. 9, 2023, I'm a bit sad, but I'm also okay with it. Some of that is coming to terms with reality, but some of it is that Judd is an awesome kid in so many other ways. 8/

So for you other parents out there in the same boat: It's okay to mourn the dream you had that didn't come to pass. Let me say that again, because it's important: It Is Okay to Mourn the Dream You Had that Didn't Come to Pass. 9/

But just understand that that was *your* dream. Judd is a happy teenage kid who, as far as I can tell, couldn't care less about driving. He's spending his 16th Birthday with a beloved aide. He'll play ipad then go swimming, then get a special dinner that he loves. 10/

Part of truly accepting special needs kids is learning to accept them on their own terms. Just like other kids (and adults!) it's ok to push them to branch out and try new things, but they're ultimately just people with diverse goals, dreams, and interests. 11/

As for Judd, well, we still push him. Yesterday he got to go to his first rock concert. He was a little apprehensive, but loved it, especially when the hot dogs showed up. 12/

So happy birthday to my favorite 16 year old on the planet. You make your Dad proud every day, and I've learned more from you than you could ever hope to learn from me. 13/13

And I should add that, to the extent Judd was "fixed," it was because of my wife and not me (the t-shirt was her creation), who somehow managed to constantly push for more opportunities for Judd without getting sucked into the vortex of desperate experimentation that snags some.