Ben Dreyfuss Profile picture
Sep 23 15 tweets 2 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
“As a mother and a grandmother I am expected to do a lot of casual sex acts in public”
Twenty years ago, I sucked and fucked my way through half of broadway and no one gave a shit!
It’s true that during the sexually liberated days of 2003 you could get away with lots of hilarious sex acts at small market performing arts centers
I’ll never forget the day I got a hand job at a touring performance of “Lil Abner” at the Sioux Falls Playhouse. September 10, 2001: the night before the 60s truly ended.
Ah, 2003. When America was free and the cinemas were packed with star crossed lovers fingering each other at matinee performances of Seabiscuit
Lauren Boebert was born in 1986. I’m sure she was getting felt up at the first Pirates of the Caribbean or whatever but if she is a grandmother today it means there are two generations of this family that don’t know about contraceptives.
If you are a teenage boy who is the product of an unplanned teenage pregnancy and your father was also the product of an unplanned teenage pregnancy, when you go to pick up your prom date, her father is going to pull a shotgun on you.
What is this? The war of the roses?
I saw people say she was a grandmother last week but I totally did not realize she was born in 1986. That’s the year I was born! According to Wikipedia she was born in December 1986! That’s basically 1987! I’m six months older than this grandma!
So this is a fourth generation teenage pregnancy family??

This family is gonna get a reputation Image
If Lauren Boebert’s grandson knocks up his girlfriend in high school, this family will have hit for the cycle.
Just running the numbers sooner of later one of these kids is gonna be trans
I mean, probability wise this family is going to have a couple Jews as well.
The Boebert reunion is going to be the village people.
There are gonna be astronauts in this family but also mass shooters in this family.

A couple of them might be ninja turtles.

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More from @bendreyfuss

Sep 21
I will never in my entire life totally understand people who support Donald Trump theatlantic.com/magazine/archi…
Image
It’s not like this is even a particularly shocking, rare, or hard to believe Trump tale. There are a zillion stories of him acting exactly like this over and over!
@ClarenceWhorley @colorblindk1d You certainly don’t have to believe those admin officials who confirmed it to Fox News and a bunch of other places. You are totally allowed to trust Trump’s denial over them. But that isn’t disproving anything. You’re just saying you trusts him. Fine. But it wasn’t disproven
Read 6 tweets
Sep 18
I would love to read a 10,000 word behind the scenes tick tock about how the military decided that it was worth it to ask the public if they'd seen their missing jet nbcnews.com/news/us-news/f…
there must have been some general who was like "look, we have nothing to gain from crowdsourcing this. if someone finds it, we're going to hear about it." and then some other general said, "no, Gary, you fucking idiot. We cannot count on that."
"we need to do a tweet. be sure to include the phone number they can call if they have the jet."
"what phone number?"
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, GARY! DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF? THE MAIN NUMBER FOR THE BASE, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."
"Ok jesus"
"You better sit by that phone"
Read 5 tweets
Sep 15
Lauren Boebert getting her tits yanked while she jerks off her bf at Beetlejuice the Musical is a great test of the “you can measure the health of a society in how able it is to laugh at something without getting mad about it” standard.
I can’t pretend to be outraged about this. It’s deeply funny. I’m really not a fan of hers for other reasons but this is just a super funny way to start the weekend.
Can’t wait for Hasan Minhaj’s forthcoming special about how he went to see Beetlejuice the Musical and no one would jerk him off because of racism.
Read 8 tweets
Sep 12
I refuse to accept this one. There are lots of ways in which I have deviated from the left, but in the case of the criminal justice system, I am the one who has traditional liberal instincts!!!

It's the current left that has gone batshit about this stuff Image
im sorry if i am breaking with liberals by believing that not everyone necessarily deserves the maximum prison sentence, and that people should be allowed to ask for leniency for friends and loved ones even if they've done heinous crimes!
My apologies for not immediately accepting that a person is incapable of rehabilitation or redemption and is instead forever and always destined to be nothing more than their worst sin.
Read 5 tweets
Aug 19
This tweet isn’t going to make me any friends but this Blind Side conservatorship thing has all the tell tale signs of a story people should wait for more information about.

Taking lawsuit allegations at face value ✔️
Reinforces longstanding cultural critiques of the film ✔️
Genuine weirdness that needs to be explained (the conservatorship being in place at all) ✔️

The fact that the dispute is about things for which there are objective records (the payments for the book and movie) ✔️
I don’t know what went on here but if I were a writer who was assigned by my editor to publish a take about what this means, I would refuse. It is tempting fate to ruminate on this story without waiting for more to come out
Read 4 tweets
Aug 10
I am a masochist so I googled for the whole post and it is really funny. Here are some other funny screenshots… https://t.co/rxy1goLzX6bookriot.com/overrated-lite…
“Let’s just say that anything On The Road was going to subvert can stay in the ‘50s where it belongs!” Image
“The more I analyzed [The Age of Innocence], the less I wanted to hear about it” Image
Read 9 tweets

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