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Football Managers and the date they’d take you on:
1. Alex Ferguson
Pie and beans down the nearest pub. Half a shandy at the bar afterwards. Brief sex in the dark and straight on Teletext to look for holidays the second it was over
1. Alex Ferguson
Pie and beans down the nearest pub. Half a shandy at the bar afterwards. Brief sex in the dark and straight on Teletext to look for holidays the second it was over
2. Kevin Keegan
Nice dinner in a decent pub, Babychams on him, both get accidentally leathered and join a group of people on a 40th birthday. One of the best nights out you’d had in years. Goes through you like a train in the morning
Nice dinner in a decent pub, Babychams on him, both get accidentally leathered and join a group of people on a 40th birthday. One of the best nights out you’d had in years. Goes through you like a train in the morning
3. Juergen Klopp
He’s asked your close friends for your favourite flavours & got a private chef who’s a family friend to construct the perfect three course meal for you both. He brings a bottle of champagne from the year of your birth. The most efficient love making imaginable
He’s asked your close friends for your favourite flavours & got a private chef who’s a family friend to construct the perfect three course meal for you both. He brings a bottle of champagne from the year of your birth. The most efficient love making imaginable
4. Pep Guardiola
Picks you up in his car & whisks you to a restaurant that nobody’s heard of but it’s about to be impossible to get into. Has one too many, leaves the car & has a row with the taxi driver on the way back to yours. Fresh coffee in the morning. You should call him
Picks you up in his car & whisks you to a restaurant that nobody’s heard of but it’s about to be impossible to get into. Has one too many, leaves the car & has a row with the taxi driver on the way back to yours. Fresh coffee in the morning. You should call him
5. Alan Pardew
Keeps asking you how many people you’ve slept with. Angles for a threesome with a girl on the next table all night. Gives you a fake number only for you to hear from him a couple of months later when he asks you to be a character witness in a custody case
Keeps asking you how many people you’ve slept with. Angles for a threesome with a girl on the next table all night. Gives you a fake number only for you to hear from him a couple of months later when he asks you to be a character witness in a custody case
6. Gareth Southgate
Comes round to yours with a lovely bottle of wine and makes his own pasta from scratch. You spend all night chatting and open up to him about your relationship with your father, sharing things you’ve never told anyone. The next day you quit your job
Comes round to yours with a lovely bottle of wine and makes his own pasta from scratch. You spend all night chatting and open up to him about your relationship with your father, sharing things you’ve never told anyone. The next day you quit your job
7. Marco Bielsa:
Takes you for the best red wine you've ever tasted in a family run restaurant where he knows everyone and noone speaks a word of English. His translator has to sit in the cuck chair and watch as he intently shows you five positions you never knew existed
Takes you for the best red wine you've ever tasted in a family run restaurant where he knows everyone and noone speaks a word of English. His translator has to sit in the cuck chair and watch as he intently shows you five positions you never knew existed
8. Mikel Arteta
Invites you over for a drink before you go out to show you his new bespoke kitchen. His whole house is marble. Even the bedsheets. He owns exactly 100 blue polo shirts & 100 pairs of grey trousers & nothing else. He says you can’t stay as he gets up at 4.30am
Invites you over for a drink before you go out to show you his new bespoke kitchen. His whole house is marble. Even the bedsheets. He owns exactly 100 blue polo shirts & 100 pairs of grey trousers & nothing else. He says you can’t stay as he gets up at 4.30am
9. Big Sam Allardyce
Takes you to a dog fight & you win big. Straight to Angus Steak House for a well done ribeye with all the trimmings. 18 pints & back to his. Shags you into another dimension. Cashes out the next day & you realise he put a bet on you’d go home with him at 3/1
Takes you to a dog fight & you win big. Straight to Angus Steak House for a well done ribeye with all the trimmings. 18 pints & back to his. Shags you into another dimension. Cashes out the next day & you realise he put a bet on you’d go home with him at 3/1
10. Arsene Wenger
Takes you to a French bistro & talks to you only in French, at a volume only mice can hear. You tell him you can’t speak French but he carries on. He looks disapprovingly at your outfit before one of the waiters asks you to leave. Arsene sighs into his Sancerre
Takes you to a French bistro & talks to you only in French, at a volume only mice can hear. You tell him you can’t speak French but he carries on. He looks disapprovingly at your outfit before one of the waiters asks you to leave. Arsene sighs into his Sancerre
11. Ian Holloway
Takes you to life drawing & brings magic mushrooms for both of you. You get kicked out for giggling. Ends up a twilight stroll by the river with ice creams discussing philosophy & your favourite sweet wrappers. Quick one in the bushes on the way home for a laugh
Takes you to life drawing & brings magic mushrooms for both of you. You get kicked out for giggling. Ends up a twilight stroll by the river with ice creams discussing philosophy & your favourite sweet wrappers. Quick one in the bushes on the way home for a laugh
Sean Dyche:
Takes you to watch a Madness tribute act. Drinks real ale and orders you half a Cider and Black. Immaculate manners and very chivalrous but stares down any bloke that even breathes near you. Really into spanking and leaves you with an arse like a baby baboon
Takes you to watch a Madness tribute act. Drinks real ale and orders you half a Cider and Black. Immaculate manners and very chivalrous but stares down any bloke that even breathes near you. Really into spanking and leaves you with an arse like a baby baboon
13. Thomas Tuchel
Takes you to a phenomenally expensive restaurant then back to his penthouse. Emerges covered in cling film and a mask carrying two glasses of black liquid and asks you if you’ll call him Doctor Darkness for the rest of the evening. Has a helipad on the roof
Takes you to a phenomenally expensive restaurant then back to his penthouse. Emerges covered in cling film and a mask carrying two glasses of black liquid and asks you if you’ll call him Doctor Darkness for the rest of the evening. Has a helipad on the roof
14. Harry Redknapp
Picks you up in a suit, takes an hour to get to the restaurant as he stops to chat to everyone who shouts 'Arry! Says he doesn't shag on the first date out of respect for his wife. Has to leave the table three times to take calls from Jamie, who misses Louise
Picks you up in a suit, takes an hour to get to the restaurant as he stops to chat to everyone who shouts 'Arry! Says he doesn't shag on the first date out of respect for his wife. Has to leave the table three times to take calls from Jamie, who misses Louise
15. Carlo Ancelotti
His driver is at your door holding a single rose. He nods to the car. You hadn't told Carlo your address. You go to an Italian with no name and have the best meal of your life. Opera plays loudly in his immaculate home. He blindfolds you as you're driven back
His driver is at your door holding a single rose. He nods to the car. You hadn't told Carlo your address. You go to an Italian with no name and have the best meal of your life. Opera plays loudly in his immaculate home. He blindfolds you as you're driven back
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