Thread by @RussInCheshire

Somehow, it’s time for #TheWeekInTory again, even though it’s still only Monday. Four more days of this week to go, and we’re already up to 74 points.

Fuck-a-doodle-doo

Anyway, do a quick snort of glue, and then let’s get stuck in.

1. Suella Braverman took a break from kidnapping dalmatians to say being homeless was a “lifestyle choice”

2. The home secretary, Heinrich Hamster, followed this up with a claim that asking for an Armistice on Armistice Day was the act of a “hate marcher”

3. Joseph Gerbils then broke ministerial rules by writing an article undermining the police

4. Her literal job is - or was - to support the police

5. And then she called the police biased, cos right-wing protests are more often banned

6. There might be a reason why: FOI requests show right-wing protests had over 10x the level of arrests for violence compared to left-wing

7. Senior police said the actual Home Secretary was “giving permission” for the far-right to engage in yet more disruption and violence

8. Royal British Legion, Met Police and General Sir Richard Dannatt (Tory peer and former head of British Army) all supported the right to march

9. But Braverman insisted peaceful marchers had links to terrorism, and suggested that Ulster politicians were much the same as Hamas

10. Grant Shapps said Labour was “trying to politicise the weekend” by not saying the incredibly incendiary thing Braverman had just said

11. Another Grant Shapps said he “sees no reason for Suella to resign”

12. And then a different Grant Shapps refused to back her

13. And then a 4th Grant Shapps said he “won’t make a prediction” on her future

14. All in one day

15. Police said Braverman’s words were “a factor” in right-wing attacks on them

16. Tory MPs described Braverman as “unhinged”, “ignorant” and “dangerous and divisive”

17. Four former Tory ministers called on her to be sacked before Sunday

18. But on the other hand, Tory minister Neil O’Brien called peaceful protestors “rabble of racists, cranks, antisemites and moronic terrorism-glorifiers”, so who knows what's true?

19. So our nation’s first ever spine donor, Rishi Sunak, asked the Chief Whip to assess party feelings about whether it was OK for the home secretary to incite a riot or not

20. One Tory minister said “as well as being an unpopular PM, he now becomes a weak and unpopular PM”

21. Imagine everybody’s shock when the legal, peaceful protest turned out to be peaceful and legal

22. But the noble counter-protest by the Braverman-invited far-right led to assaults on police, drugs, knives, batons, knuckle-dusters, and 92 arrests

23. As a result – and apologies to everybody who beat me to the joke – Suella Braverman has made the “lifestyle choice” to be unceremoniously sacked

24. She's so popular that when he heard the news, one Tory MP texted ITV the word “Rejoice”

25. But Miriam Cates and Danny Kruger – Pru Leith’s least appealing bake – are already plotting to getting Braverman elected Tory leader

26. And Marilyn Manson’s mum, Jacob Rees-Mogg, said it was a mistake to sack Braverman, cos she “understood what the British voter thought”

27. This is despite Conservative Home listing her as the most unpopular of all Tory MPs, up against - let's face it - pretty vigorous competition

28. Thatcher’s advertising guru said UK now “needs saving from five more years of stagnation, cruelty and despair” under Tories

29. So as part of Sunak’s plan to fix the problems caused by austerity and Brexit, he’s brought back the guy who gave us austerity and Brexit

30. David Cameron brings to the role a winning combination of smooth eloquence, polished manners, lacquered hair, and a varnished head

31. It’s less than a year since Sunak called Cameron’s foreign policy “naïve”, so now he’s appointed him to be Foreign Secretary

32. Cameron has only just criticised Israel and supported Gaza, and now his job is to do the opposite

33. Tory MPs seem delighted to have the ex-PM back: “WTAF!!! … an unelected Foreign Secretary appointed by an unelected PM”

34. A former Cabinet minister was asked if the party would approve of Cameron’s return, and replied “There is no party at this stage”

35. Sunak – who promised integrity at every level – has appointed Cameron despite him being found by 4 separate inquiries to have displayed "a significant lack of judgement" about Greensill Capital, an alleged “Ponzi scheme” that paid Cameron millions a year

36. Anyway, I’m not suggesting the Tories have run out of talent, but they’re reduced to packing the cabinet with people who aren’t even MPs

37. This means the new Foreign Secretary, a glazed polyp in a £10,000 suit, can’t even answer questions in the House of Commons

38. Meanwhile shunted to be our new Home Secretary: James Cleverley, a stunningly successful one-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism

39. Cleverley said he is - prepare to be shocked - “absolutely committed to stopping the boats”

40. His two spectacularly failed predecessors – "Chinchilla the Hun" Braverman, and Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse – were also absolutely committed to stopping the boats. They didn't stop the boats. Maybe they need committing for a bit longer.

41. In fact, the Tories have introduced 173 changes to migration policy since 2010, which is more than one per month

42. And over 40 policy announcements about small boats just since 2019

43. None of this has stopped small boats. Its just possible posturing isn’t the solution.

44. Anyway, this makes it Cleverley’s 8th govt appointment in 7 years

45. Grant Shapps has had 10 jobs in 7 years

46. Steve Barclay, an explosion in a nothing factory – and also sacked as health minister today – is leaving his 7th job in 6 years

47. And 15 housing ministers since 2010

48. Scratch that – 16. Rachel McClean just got sacked as housing minister, simply for failing to deliver the govt’s no-fault eviction ban 11 years after it was first promised

49. No fault evictions have risen 38% in a single year

50. Ministers for science, environment, schools, transport, health, social care, cabinet office and housing have all resigned today

51. Grizzling Uncle Fester impersonator Thérèse Coffey also said it was the “right time” to leave the govt, and is wrong by only 13 years

52. If you ignore the 62 who resigned in one day under Boris Johnson, a Fat Malfoy we made PM for a dare, that makes today the biggest mass resignation on record – but it barely raises an eyebrow after 13 solid years of political carnage

53. Meanwhile two of the remaining cabinet members – the Tory Party's emotional support turbot Michael Gove and Kemi Badenoch – are refusing to speak to one another because Gove had a messy affair with Badenoch’s pal

54. And Nadine Dorries, a woman who is trapped forever at Lambrini o’clock, suggested Michael Gove was drunk at work. Maybe he couldn't get coke. Coca Cola, I mean. Naturally.

55. Anyway, take a deep breath, because it’s Tory Relaunch time. Again

56. It’s only 6 days since Sunak last relaunched his govt, with a King’s Speech that Tory MPs described as “a damp squib”, “dull as ditchwater” and “not even pretending to govern any more”. I shall categorise this as a stunning return to form.

57. The govt still hasn’t even finished *counting* how many schools it has let fall down on its watch

58. But it has found time to give an £11.5 million contract to a Tory donor to supply temporary classrooms

59. No other companies were invited to tender

60. Gavin Williamson has been warned not to breach ministerial rules – which he’s breached countless times before – as he accepted a new job with a “lifestyle influencer” credit card company in Brazil, while still being an MP in England

61. To be honest, they should really be warning Brazil about Williamson, who is a lifetime collection of blunders lent physical form, fitted with the teeth of a starved horse, and sent skittering around Westminster with instructions to break everything.

62. If you think things have never been worse, you’re not paying attention to the Covid Inquiry, where Simon Case, the most senior civil servant, said “I’ve never seen a bunch of people less well-equipped to run a country”

63. He described Boris Johnson’s leadership as “mad” and “poisonous”

64. Johnson had told Case he wanted “bigger fines” for people who broke lockdown rules, less than 2 weeks after he broke lockdown rules to throw a birthday party for himself in No 10

65. And Matt Hancock, Keith Harris gone to seed after being abandoned by Orville, was described as being a serial liar with “nuclear levels” of overconfidence, who was “so far up Boris Johnson’s arse that his ankles are brown”. Poetry.

66. NHS news, and Sunak said “we are making real progress” in reducing waiting times

67. The next day, NHS figures showed waiting times were the worst in UK history, and the waiting list is now 7.7 million people, which is more than 10% of the entire country

68. The day after that, the NHS had to cancel thousands of operations after the govt refused to provide funding

69. And just one day after that, Sunak “downgraded” his absolute promise to cut NHS waiting lists by the end of this year

70. But the govt did approve a £480m deal for Palantir to look after your NHS health data

71. Palantir is owned by a far-right Trump backer, and was involved in the Facebook/Brexit/Cambridge Analytica fake news scandal, so that’s reassuring

72. Update on the govt’s terribly urgent plans to cut the cost of living, and Andrea Leadsom reassured us energy will be cheaper “within 10 years”, so just keep shivering

73. Since Sunak’s “improvements” to onshore wind laws, not a single onshore wind farm has been built

74. And Jeremy Hunt, a Chancellor who at this point could be replaced by a confused spaniel with pocket calculator, is now considering cutting tax for the rich, while introducing a further £4bn in welfare cuts for people with health conditions

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