Thread by @RussInCheshire

In not saying it’s time to begin stockpiling, but this is the second #TheWeekInTory of the week.

And it’s still only Thursday. Send whisky.

1. It’s all going wrong for Rishi Sunak, a rejected Thunderbird that somebody pulled out of the bin and made PM for a dare

2. But there was good news for Suella Braverman, who finally didn’t have to be woke on Tuesday morning

3. The day after she was sacked, Braverman wrote a resignation letter

4. One Tory MP described it as “narcissistic crap”

5. But Jacob Rees-Mogg, the waxy corpse of an exhumed Regency orphanage-worrier, said Braverman was “in touch with the mood of this country”

6. 72% of the UK wanted her sacked, including 61% of Tory voters

7. Braverman claims Sunak made a secret deal with her when he was trying to become leader

8. Sunak must be hoping details of the deal don’t leak out

9. But Braverman’s nickname is “Leaky Sue”, so ... eeeesh!

10. Even GB News described Braverman as “disloyal, ineffective and incompetent”

11. But all of those things strongly appeal to the Tory right, which is why tractor wanker Neil Parish told Sunak to “prepare for war” over Braverman’s sacking

12. The govt’s illegal migration policy was found to be an illegal illegal migration policy

13. As a sign of the govt's competence, it has taken 4 PMs, 5 home secretaries, £140m in bungs, £169,000 per asylum seeker and £2m in legal fees to send absolutely nobody to Rwanda

14. The Supreme Court ruled the Rwanda plan was illegal under international law

15. So Tories demanded we break international law

16. But the Supreme Court ruled the Rwanda plan also broke 5 British laws

17. So Lee Anderthal, an actual MP, said we should “ignore the laws”

18. Sunak, who once boasted he was “obsessed with details”, said he would “not allow a foreign court to block these flights”

19. It was a British court, a minor detail that seems to have eluded him

20. Sunak announced that to “serve democracy”, a policy that was ruled illegal by the Supreme Court is now going to be implemented by a man absolutely nobody voted for, even though the plan doesn’t even appear in the 2019 Tory manifesto, so nobody voted for the policy either

21. The Supreme Court ruled the policy unlawful because Rwanda isn’t safe

22. Suella Braverman, who is what happens when you feed Priti Patel after midnight, accused Sunak of having “no credible plan B”

23. So to prove her right, Rishi Sunak said he’d pass a new law, ruling that Rwanda IS safe

24. I don’t know why he doesn’t just pass a law saying Gaza and Ukraine are safe. It's so obvious now I've said it!

25. Robert Jenrick said the govt has been working on plan B for “several months” and Braverman had known all about it

26. He then said Braverman wasn’t lying when she said she knew nothing about it. He can hold two positions at once, like Schrödinger's twat

27. James Cleverley didn’t deny he’d described the Rwanda plan as “batshit”

28. He went on to say a new Rwanda treaty would be in place “within days”

29. The next day, the govt said they hoped to introduce it within a year, if they don't lose an election first. Which they will

30. Cleverley, who isn't, told BBC news the Rwanda plan was already working as a deterrent, even though it doesn’t exist

31. Which begs the question: why does it even need to exist, if it's already working?

32. Fortunately, we know have a “Minister for common sense”, Esther McVey, which to a satirist is on par with being a pub landlord on the day George Best walks in

33. Number 10 were unable to describe exactly what a “minister for common sense” would actually do

34. McVey’s job description was supposed to impress the Tory right, but, well ...

35. Jacob Rees-Mogg, an apparition of a pitiless Victorian dentist that appears to you just before you die, said McVey’s job was a “silly title, ridiculously tokenistic, won’t impress anyone”

36. McVey is so common-sensical that she was sacked as housing minister after just 8 months, during which her biggest discovery was that there was a “whole new way of doing architecture”, with people now “doing it on a computer”. Imagine!

37. As housing minister she failed to act on the 575 tower blocks identified as at such risk of collapse that high winds could knock them down, which the govt has known about for almost 3 years, but only was only made public this week

38. Meanwhile the Tories have decided to reduce UK safety regulations governing toxic chemicals, which I’m sure is exactly what you voted for in 2016, Brexiteers!

39. Great news for conflict-of-interest fans, as Steve Barclay, a stock photograph made flesh, became the new environment minister, even though he’s married to an exec from a water firm that pumps sewage into our rivers

40. And the new health minister, Victoria Atkins, is married to the boss of one of the world’s biggest sugar companies and a massive cannabis farm

41. Laugh? Atkins resigned in 2022, cos PM Darth Bagpuss was damaging the party’s “integrity, decency, respect and professionalism”

42. Over to Greg Hands, who as Tory Chair did such a good job of telling the same shit joke 1500 times that he lost his party over 3000 council seats and left the party 22 points behind Labour

43. He’s now in charge of Business, so you can tell already it’ll be good

44. One month after Sunak’s Tory Conference speech promised he’d be the “change candidate”, he revealed himself to the “change back again” candidate, as David Cameron returned from his preposterous squillionaire’s woodshed to occupy a TV chair in the foreign office

45. Cameron said “I believe in public service”

46. He should tell that to the guy in his bathroom mirror who fucked the entire country, then abandoned public service with a cheerful little hum, so he could make millions working for an alleged “Ponzi scheme”

47. Cameron, a thumb with a mouth-slit, also spent his time being paid to promote controversial Chinese investments in Sri Lanka

48. Unsurprisingly, China was the first govt to congratulate Cameron on his return to govt

49. More comeback news, as Kwasi Kwarteng, a dead-eyed functionary from the Death Star who presided over the single worst economic shitstorm in living memory, called Cameron’s return “the politics of yesterday”

50. And Liz Truss, a knock-off Margaret Thatcher you’d buy from Elisabeth Duke, revealed her latest plan to make us all richer, which consists of scrapping the minimum wage, abolishing paid holidays, and tearing up worker’s rights. Hands up who'll vote for that!

51. And we welcomed back irradiated lemon cosplayer Andrea Jenkyns, who was so impressed by Cameron’s return that she sent a letter of no confidence in Rishi Sunak, clearly hoping to make it record-shattering four PMs in a single parliament

52. Her letter includes the following sentence in support of Boris Johnson (which I have quoted verbatim): “Yes Boris, the man who won the Conservative Party a massive majority, was unforgivable enough.”

53. Andrea Jenkyns was a Tory education minister. I mean ... woah.

54. She continued: “It is time for Rishi Sunak to go and replace him with a ‘real’ Conservative party leader”

55. Andrea Jenkyns was elected as a “real” Conservative MP under David Cameron. I've checked: her behaviour is not due to a head injury.

56. It's claimed 54 Tories are preparing to write letters of no confidence, which – if it happens – would be enough to trigger yet another leadership election

57. But the tally will be done by Lee Anderson, and he can only count to 20. And that's only if he takes his shoes off

58. Luckily, Sunak was saved from this fate by the accidental arrival of his first success of his 13 months in office, as inflation peaked, and he could finally promise your bills would fall

59. The next day it was announced you bills will rise by 5% in January

60. So Lee Anderson, the deputy chairman of the Tory Party, said he is “far from pleased” with the Tory Party

61. And Tory peer Peter Cruddas called Cameron’s return a “coup” and said “Remain has won”

62. I’ve waited a long time to say this: "We won. Get over it"

Christmas is coming, so if there’s somebody in your life that you absolute despise, why not give them "The Decade In Tory"?

Available now from all good bookshops. And Amazon

waterstones.com/book/the-decad…