Thread by @RussInCheshire

You don’t like it. I don’t like it. Nobody likes it, and I wish it would stop. But dream on because here, for Christ’s sake, is #TheWeekInTory

1. It is 13 years since David Cameron – a thumb with a mouth slit who played at being PM in between episodes of Midsomer Murders – first promised to reduce migration, so the Tories have now announced a stunning new policy of … reducing migration

2. The govt said only people who can afford to live here should be allowed in

3. So they increased the salary threshold of migrants to £38,700

4. This means 74% of Britons are now officially too poor to live here

5. The policy also applies to people already living here who need to renew their

6. This means immigrants with homes, families and children in the UK can now technically be thrown out of the country if they don’t earn £38k

7. The Tories said the solution to this is for people to earn higher wages

8. The Tories also insisted people should stop asking for higher wages, cos it causes inflation

9. Which brings us on to Rwanda, the most prolonged cat death in history

10. The Rwanda scheme was announced the day after former Primate Minister Boris Johnson was fined for attending illegal parties, and was never meant to do anything except give the Daily Mail a headline that wasn't about No10 becoming the most lawbreaking address in the UK

11. Enter Suella Braverman, a dazzling combination of over-the-top villainy and under-the-bottom competence

12. She said the Tories faced “electoral oblivion” unless Rishi Sunak dismantled the basis of our legal system so we could illegally fly people to Rwanda

13. Chinchilla the Hun said the govt should build “Nightingale” asylum centres, cos that worked so well for Covid

14. The Nightingale hospital in Birmingham cost £60m and didn’t treat a single patient during the entire pandemic, and I’m sure Suella's plan will go just as well

15. Anyway, 28,318 asylum seekers are in the queue awaiting removal to Rwanda

16. Rwanda can take 200 of them

17. Despite spending £140 million already, the only people the Tories have managed to send to Rwanda so far are 3 of our own home secretaries

18. So they’ve now decided to hand over another £150 million

19. This means the cost of not quite sending 200 people to Rwanda is now greater than the cost of handling 400,000 asylum claims in the UK

20. There are only 160,000 people in our entire asylum backlog

21. The govt now wants to pass legislation that says Rwanda is safe, even though the supreme court said it isn’t

22. If passing a law all it takes, I eagerly await the legislation that pronounces Ukraine and Gaza as safe. Why didn't we think of that before?!

23. Anyway, I’m not saying Rwanda is a dictatorship, but their president is a former guerrilla leader who is linked to the murder of political rivals, changed the law to allow himself to keep ruling, banned free press, and got 98% of the vote at the last election

24. Even so, Rwanda kept the right to send any of the 200 back to the UK, so they can stick to international law

25. The Rwanda deal also allows more than 200 Rwandans to migrate to the UK, meaning the Tory policy to reduce net migration could actually increase net migration

26. James Cleverly is now in charge of this, so you can tell already it’ll go well

27. Cleverly told The Times that the Rwanda bill doesn’t comply with international law, and then immediately afterwards said the bill DOES comply with international law

28. When asked to explain this paradox, he replied “both things are true and neither one cancels out the other”

29. And then Schrodinger’s Twat was filmed calling a Stockton a “shithole”

30. But in a rare moment of accuracy, he did say his own Rwanda policy is “batshit crazy”

31. Sadly, it’s not batshit crazy enough for Robert Jenrick, who has – considerably less sadly – resigned

32. This is because Jenrick wants to succeed Sunak, which is the only time the words “succeed” and “Sunak” have ever appeared in the same sentence

33. Dauntingly awful claymation gobshite Sunak claimed the Rwanda scheme was an urgent matter of national security

34. Same day, the Intelligence and Security Committee rebuked the Tories after it was revealed no Tory PM has attended its security briefing since 2014

35. So to prove he had the competence for the job, Sunak accidentally locked himself out Number 10

36. One Tory MP said of Sunak: “Why is he just so bad at politics?”

37. Sunak’s response was to tell a meeting of Tory MPs they must “unite or die”

38. They chose die

39. 18 Tory MPs have sent letters of no confidence in their latest transient stab at a competent PM

40. The rebels have created what they call “an advent calendar of shit” to drive Sunak from office, although it’s hard to know how this makes it different from any other week

41. It's reported that allies of Liz Truss – no, honestly, she still has some – want to replace Sunak with Simon Clark, a mouse-fart made flesh who was Truss’s sidekick while she did her drive-by attack on the nation’s economy

42. Rebels say their focus on Rwanda captures the popular mood

43. Only 17% of the public list Rwanda as one of their top priorities

44. As a result of this popularity-drive, the Tories are now predicted to suffer their worst ever electoral defeat

45. Damien Green described his fellow Tories as “mad or malicious or both”

46. Somehow this reminds me of Resting Fish Face Michael Gove, who this week was revealed to have blown £320,000 of your money on chauffeur-driven limousines during the pandemic

47. Back on planet earth, the Tory CEO put in a cheery call to party workers, in which he told them “We are fucked”

48. Meanwhile Jonathan Gullis, a man so heroically stupid you’d think he’d been bitten by a radioactive idiot, called for Nigel Farage to be home secretary

49. His plan is for a pact between Nigel Farage (who isn’t even an MP) and Boris Johnson (who also isn’t even an MP)

50. Which leads us to the Covid Inquiry, where Darth Bagpuss, the world’s most forgetful man, sat puzzled for 2 days watching competent people do their jobs

51. Johnson, confident we'd believe him again, went with the ever-popular Rebekah Vardy defence, and claimed all the phone evidence against him had become lost, caught fire, got squiffy and gone for a lie down, or had been accidentally yeeted into the sun

52. The sex-yeti admitted that when he’d been told Covid was about to “sweep the world”, his response was to go on holiday for 10 days

53. He told the Inquiry that not cancelling mass gatherings in the middle of the 5th worst pandemic in history “sounded reasonable at the time”

54. He made the not-medically-proven claim that Wales had high Covid deaths as a result of “singing and obesity”

55. And he admitted Matt Hancock, the dad from a gravy advert, had only kept his job cos any replacement picked from Tory ranks would probably have been even worse

56. Amazingly, he’s probably right: Matt Hancock was succeeded as Health Secretary by Sajid Javid, a child’s drawing of pure greed superimposed onto a competitively evil gonad

57. Meanwhile, as the Tories expend all the energy of govt on this pan-directional, ignominious spatter of anarchy, their failure to fix known problems at the Dept of Work and Pensions left 200,000 pensioners £1.3 billion out of pocket

58. And despite £7.2bn of Covid-related fraud, only 2% of calls made to the Covid Fraud Hotline are even being investigated

59. Speaking of witch, Michelle Mone finally admitted she’d lied about her links to a PPE firm that’s now being investigated by the National Crime Agency

60. So she used some of the money she’s accused of stealing to pay for a “documentary” in which she put her side of the story, rather than – yknow – appearing in court

61. In the week of COP, leaks show the govt misled the public over its scrapping of air quality guidelines

62. And Rishi Sunak, a one-man highlight reel of national embarrassment, is facing a Covid Inquiry that’s already learned his nickname is Doctor Death. So I'll probably be back again in 6-8 hours, with another frontline report of delinquent political carnage

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