When lawyers are no longer allowed to practise, they are disbarred. And when priests are stripped of their position, they are defrocked. This is a thread of suggestions for terms for other professions, starting with this one…
When florists are sacked, they are deflowered
When roadies are sacked, they are disconcerted
When songwriters are sacked, they are decomposed
When drug dealers are sacked, they are disjointed
When porn stars are sacked, they are denuded, delayed, derided, and deboned
When underwear models are sacked, they are debriefed
* if they modelled for Calvin Klein, they’d also be disinclined
When electricians are sacked, they are delighted
When writers are sacked, they are described, detailed, and depend
When referees are sacked, they are discarded
When a female teacher is sacked she is degraded, detested, and dismissed
When sandwich board holders are sacked, they are designed
When Mark Wahlberg, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Hamill, Mark Strong, Mark Duplass, Mark Harmon, Mark Addy, and Mark Rylance are sacked, they are demarcated
When chiropodists are sacked, they are defeated
When actors are sacked, they are departed (and sometimes defamed)
When Dracula is sacked, he is discounted
When knights are sacked, they are desired
When castle drawbridge operators are sacked, they are demoted
When cashiers are sacked, they are distilled
When toilet cleaners are sacked, they are disinterred
When Shakespeare scholars are sacked, they are debarred
When Homer scholars are sacked, they are distroyed
When scholars of French impressionist painters are sacked, they are demonetised
When mink coat sellers are sacked, they are deferred
When tornado chasers are sacked, they are disgusted
If Bill Nye was sacked, he would be denied
If James Brown no longer wanted you in the rhythm section of his band, you would be debased (and also defunct)
If Gordon Ramsey was no longer allowed to swear on TV, he would be discussed
In July 2019, Downing Street was dismayed
In October 2022, it experienced distrust
And in January 2021, the White House dispensed with its vice president
I’m going to bring this thread to an end with this one...
When Cain murdered his brother, he disabled himself
Apologies for extending what is already a far too long thread, but I just thought of another one...
When perfumiers are sacked, it often results in a descent into madness
Right, this really is the last one (unless I think of more!)...
When matadors are sacked, it is unavoidable
Fans of terrible puns like the ones above may also enjoy this page from my latest book, The Wheel is Spinning but the Hamster is Dead...
When riot police officers are sacked, they can at least console themselves that they no longer have to get up early to beat the morning crowds
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My favourite way of saying “zero fucks given” is from Greek slang and it goes στον πούτσο μου λουλούδια και γύρω γύρω μέλισσες. It means “flowers on my dick and bees all around”
Read on for more cosmopolitan ways of saying you just don’t care (a thread)...
Some other versions of “I don’t give two hoots” from Greek slang are as follows…
🦜 A big heartbreak and ten parrots
😿 I’ll have my cat cry over this
💩 The mare had a bowel movement in the prairie
Another variant of “the mare had a bowel movement in the prairie” is χέστηκε η Φατμέ στο Γενί Τζαμί. It means “Fatmé had a bowel movement in the Yeni Mosque”
This is a thread of international phrases describing a place that’s in the middle of nowhere, starting with this one…
In Venezuelan Spanish, a place in the back of beyond can be described as donde el Diablo perdió los calzoncillos. It means “where the Devil lost his underpants”
Another Venezuelan phrase is donde Cristo perdió el tetero, which means “where Jesus lost his baby bottle.” Other Spanish variants have Jesus losing his flip-flops or his lighter, Napoleon losing his hat, and the Devil losing his poncho. I also love “where the wind arrives tired”
An expression about a remote place from Argentinian Spanish is en la concha de la lora, which means “in the parrot’s pussy,” sometimes shortened (in politer company) to plumas verdes (“green-feathers”)
In Icelandic, someone with a sweet tooth can be referred to as a nammigrís. It means “candy piglet”
* read on for more Icelandic words and phrases (a thread to celebrate Fullveldisdagurinn, Iceland’s Sovereignty Day)…
The Icelandic word for television is sjónvarp, which means something like "vision throw" or "vision thrower." And the word for computer, tölva, means "prophetess of numbers" or "number witch"
An Icelandic phrase about giving a compliment is að slá einhverjum gullhamra. It means “to hit someone with a golden hammer”
A list of names for Joe Bloggses (just normal men) in other languages
7. Joe Little Carrot (Slovak) 6. Average Svensson (Swedish) 5. Wang Number Five (Mandarin) 4. Otto Normalconsumer (German) 3. Name Nameson (Danish) 2. Mid-range Vasya (Russian) 1. Statistical Kowalski (Polish)
For those who would like the names in their original languages...
Honourable mentions to the Dutch Jan met de Pet (John with the Cap), the Brazilian Zé das Couves (Joe Kale), the Irish Tadhg an mhargaidh (Timmy in the market), and the Finnish tavan tallaaja (ordinary stomper)