Thread by @DarthPutinKGB

The Darth guide to different models of tankies. 🧵

The “Basic” tankie. Russia has never invaded anyone ever. Russia become the world’s biggest country by peacefully defending itself in other people’s countries.

The “Russia was provoked tankie”. NATO caused this war. It did this by being seen as a better option to Russia’s neighbors than Russia is and then by actually being a better option to Russia’s neighbors than Russia is.

The “no to war no to nato” tankie. Opposes all forms of western imperialism, such as countries freely joining NATO. Appeases all forms of Russian imperialism, such as cities being flattened as they join Russia.

The “anti imperialist” tankie. In the name of anti imperialism, Russia must be given a veto over the foreign policy of its neighbors and control who their head of state is.

The “short skirt tankie”. Ukraine deserves to be invaded cos it was warned about flirting with other countries.

The “what about” tankie. Thinks US doing something is wrong except if Russia does it when it’s right.

The “academic tankie”. Pretends it is explaining Russia but is actually excusing it. Is unaware it sounds a lot like Kissinger.

The “anti fascist” tankie. Supports a homophobic, sexist, frequently antisemitic regime that likes and funds fascists.

The “fascist” tankie. Supports a homophobic, sexist, frequently antisemitic regime that likes and funds fascists.

The “traditional values” tankie. Likes Russia cos we represent traditional values like legalised wife beating & mass kidnap of children.

The “pro Hamas” tankie. Says you can’t go around grabbing pieces of land just cos your ancestors used to live there.

The “Pro business” tankie. Thinks being able to change international borders by force & the dismantling of the international rules based order is a good for long term economic growth.

The “defence contractors want this war” tankie. Thinks Russian defence contractors hope the war stops cos they’re ethical. Usually used to think the war wouldn’t happen in the first place.

The “this is a proxy war” tankie. Doesn’t know/care that North Korea & Iran are waging a proxy war against the USA to the last Russian

The “Ukrainians are forced to fight” tankie. Thinks as soon as the west stops arming Ukraine they and Russians will link arms and live happily ever after.

The “let’s respect Russia” tankie. Thinks we can respect Russia and make the problem go away. Doesn’t care that this means treating Russia’s neighbors with disrespect. Cannot square this circle. Wears flannel a lot.

The “this will cause nuclear war” tankie. Thinks Russia is not killing civilians, attacking civilian infra and is really nice. Also thinks Russia will kill every living thing on the planet if provoked. Aka Schrödinger’s tankie.

The “let’s negotiate” tankie. This deal, finally, is actually the one Russia will actually stick too. Hasn’t noticed that Russian said it won’t negotiate

The “appeasement tankie”. History teaches us this always works. Used to think the idea of the war was a hoax.

The “MAGA tankie”. Is genuine US patriot 2nd amendment protect south border won’t vote for Iosef Bidenovich. Oddly interested in Ruble’s exchange rate to $.

The “Brooklyn basement tankie”. Looks like less handsome Paul Giamatti. Knows everything. Has never been correct about anything. Doesn’t own soap.

The “Irish” tankie. Looks at Ukraine. Sees its large, nuclear-armed eastern neighbor that has violent, imperialist, brutal history of conquest & cultural oppression against it & decides “No parallels here, those are the good guys in this".

The “tech/crypto bro” tankie. Thinks western weapons won’t be any difference, sending them will also cause nuclear war & any strike on Crimea will lead to a holocaust. Actually thinks female Z head influencers may sleep with him.

The “we mustn’t escalate” tankie. Thinks west arming Ukraine is bad. North Korea arming Russia is ok. Will one day wonder were China got the idea invading Taiwan would be consequence free.

The “blogger” tankie. Granny spoke Russian to it once a week till it was 9. Read 2 chapters of War and Peace. Has deleted a lot of tweets made between Dec 21 & Feb 22.

The “CIA coup” tankie. Thinks Eastern Europeans can’t protest broken election promises themselves without American help while usually claiming to be anti racist. Believes one woman handing out biscuits is proof of this CIA plot.

The “genocide in the Donbas” tankie. We all want to see this one debate this point with Prigozhin who said it’s bullshit but sadly Prigozhin found out what airdefense doing so we can’t.

The “Russia is fighting all of NATO” tankie. NATO is amazing and the only reason hasn’t won. NATO is also shit cos it lost to goat herders on technicals in Afghanistan.

The “NATO is an aggressive alliance” tankie. Russia had to invade to prevent NATO, which lacks the ammunition to invade Russia, from invading Russia even though it can’t

The “pro Hamas tankie 2.0”. Says you have to let a nuclear power take over territory and remove the inhabitants to prevent nuclear war. Gets very angry, overloads & then reboots as the “what about tankie” when told about the irony of this.