As we count down to them these fuckers finally fucking the fuck off, I present #14YearsInTory, a slightly more sprawling version of #TheWeekInTory
Today is all about David Cameron, with one thread for each of his years in office.
And now: 2011
Thread ...
1. Let’s start with banking, and at the election, varnished skin-tag David Cameron had promised to limit bonuses for banks rescued by the govt to £2000 per employee
2. A year later the boss of RBS got £963,000
3. Perhaps this oversight is because there were more Tory MPs actively on the payroll of the financial sector than there were LibDem MPs in parliament. If it was a coalition, the banks were the junior partners
4. More than half of Tory donations came from the City of London
5. Osborne boasted he’d introduced a “bank levy” of 0.13%
6. Quietly, he simultaneously their corporation tax by 23 times as much
7. In other news, Cameron promised a “transparency agenda” to “rip off the cloak of secrecy” from his govt
8. His press secretary Andy Coulson was secretly being paid by News of the World while working in Cameron’s office
9. Coulson had been closely involved in phone hacking
10. Demonic pixie Jeremy Hunt maintained “improper contact” with NOTW owners while responsible for regulating the media
11. When found out, Hunt ripped off the cloak of secrecy and hid behind a tree
12. Osborne had 16 meetings with Murdoch exec since entering office
13. The police force responsible for investigating this had loaned NOTW boss Rebekah Brooks a horse, so she and David Cameron could go riding together
14. I can’t remember the last time the police loaned me a horse. It’s been ages
15. Unrelated, I'm sure, but Cameron then cancelled the part of the Leveson Inquiry that would investigate police relations with media and govt
16. Rebekah Brooks lost her NOTW gig, but kept £10.8 million compensation, which is 10x what you'll earn in a lifetime
17. Moving on: the Tories opposed their own referendum on electoral reform, which you should remember when they start complaining about unfairness of the forthcoming election results
18. They claimed the new voting system would cost £250 million
19. The day after the polls closed, they admitted that figure was “made up”
20. Sound familiar?
21. Riots broke out across the country and Cameron said “More police are needed on the streets”
22. He’d cut 20,000 police, but said anybody joining those two facts up was “missing the point”
23. He then blamed the riots on something called Broken Britain, and he should know, cos he broke it
24. He defined Broken Britain as “Irresponsibility, selfishness, behaving as if your choices have no consequences, children without fathers, reward without effort, crime without punishment, rights without responsibilities”
25. Boris Johnson's ears must have been burning
26. Eric Pickles introduced a benefits cap, despite being warned it would create 40,000 additional homeless families
27. That’s half the size of the British Army, but they did it anyway
28. Unemployment reached 2.5 million
29. Steve Hilton, Cameron’s smooth-brained ideas-man said the solution was to abolish maternity leave, which was illegal
30. It genuinely had to be explained to Hilton that if the PM did something illegal, it could result in Cameron going to jail
31. Hilton also said the best way to improve the economy was to privatise the M25
32. And buy “cloud bursting” technology to make the country sunnier
33. And to “replace the Commonwealth with a new union of countries based on their shared love of techno music”
34. And to relocate the Royal Family to Silicon Valley so they could learn contemporary thinking
36. I'm not making this up. Cameron paid this dolt £276,000 a year
36. Meanwhile: 3 million children experienced poverty over the course of the year
37. In Nov and Dec 35,000 people lost their homes, over 2 per minute
38. A quarter of us couldn’t afford our fuel bills
39. Being too poor to heat our homes now killed more Britons than traffic accident
40. So Osborne cut corporation tax to “increase funds to the treasury”
41. It cost the treasury at least £11 billion
42. Liam Fox’s pal Andrew Werrity visited the MoD 22 times and was at 40 ministerial engagements, even though he had no official role
43. Nadine Dorries, a beef-witted, one-woman riot of idiocy, abandoned being an MP so she could go on I’m A Celeb to talk about abortion
44. She did not talk about abortion
45. And finally, to keep the right of his party happy, Cameron decided to veto the EU financial recovery plan that would have helped 450 million people, and then blamed the resulting poverty on foreigners
46. Everyone was cock-a-hoop. The Little Englander corps of the Tory backbench were cock-a-hoop. The Daily Express was cock-a-hoop. And even Nigel Farage was both a cock and an absolute hoop.
47. It began the process that fucked us up for a decade
48. Summary:
- State debt: 70% (up 9% on previous year)
- Foodbank users: 61,000 (up 144%)
- NHS waiting lists: 2.5 m (up 5%)
- Children in poverty: 3.65 m (up 4%)
- Wealth of billionaires: £212 billion (up 4%)
Come back later for 2012 (and look for the 2010 thread from earlier today)
And if you can, please back my forthcoming book “Tories: The End of an Error”, due ASAP after the election
This week and next, I’m doing #14YearsInTory, with a thread for every year they’ve been in office.
This one is for 2015, and has 69 points.
Don't say I didn't warn you...
1. Deputy PM Nick Clegg called David Cameron a “twat” on live television
2. Steve Baker, a complacent cyborg with the ever-so-pleased look of somebody desperate to be asked if they’ve ever completed a Rubik Cube, filmed a man beating him up by the bins.
3. Twice.
4. A report found the UK needed to build 223,000 homes a year for 20 years just to maintain our domestic population
5. So the Tories promised 200,000 over 10 years – less than one fifth the minimum required
Any day now, this bunch of self-serving masturbators, crooks, xenophobes and spivs will fuck off for good.
In case you’ve forgotten why they’re so unpopular, #14YearsInTory will remind you.
Today is all about David Cameron, with one thread for each of his years in office…
1. Let’s begin with top recidivist Mark Menzies, who hired a Brazilian sex worker, gave him an illicit tour of the Palace of Westminster, and then asked him to procure a big bag of amphetamines
2. Menzies said “a number of these allegations are untrue, and I look forward to setting the record straight”
3. It’s 10 years later, and Menzies still has a bent record
If you hated #TheWeekInTory, you’ll hate this even more. It’s #14YearsInTory, and every day I’m covering one PM. A separate thread for each year in office.
This is Part Four of David Cameron ...
1. Waxed polyp David Cameron did a mid-term review in which he boasted “The economy is balancing”
2. Our national debt had grown from 62% to 79% of GDP, and 2.5 million were unemployed
3. Average workers earned the same in 2013 as they had in 2003, wiping out a decade of pay rises
4. Rail fares rose
5. Since privatisation, public subsidies of rail had tripled, ticket prices increased 66%, and Virgin had paid half a billion of your money to their shareholders
As we enter the final week of the election, I’m going beyond #TheWeekInTory
Today, each of the years Cameron was in Downing Street. Look for the hashtag #14YearsInTory
Other PMs will be covered in the coming days
Needless to say: this is a 52-point thread!
1. Let’s kick things off with the non-election of David Cameron, a thumb with a mouth-slit who did prime minister impressions
2. Most of the world responded to the 2008 crash with stimulus packages. Cameron and his pet sadist, George Osborne, implemented austerity
3. They did this cos they thought the state was preventing growth, and Tories should destroy it so the Invisible Hand of the Market could punch us in the face a bit harder
4. Growth had been 2.6% under as Labour left office
He won't, obvs, but if I was Starmer I'd spend 3 months in office, then say "the economy is even worse than the Tories told us, and we need to rejoin Single Market", then call a snap election to get a mandate. He'd win >
> Naturally, Tories / Farage would kick off, but Starmer will not have broken his pledge - he'll just have asked for a remit to go further. It would be The Will Of The People.
He won't do it, of course. But it would be a huge boost to the economy. And 100% democratic >
plus - and this isn't a consideration - it would force the Tories / Reform to either accept democracy or set themselves against the majority. They couldn't argue they spoke for the majority any more. The vote would prove they don't. So Starmer would weaken them for a decade >