For the next few days I’m doing #14YearsInTory, cos #TheWeekInTory was a bit too short and didn't annoy
you enough
Today is all about David Cameron’s beshitting of the national bed.
This is Part Three, all about 2012...
you enough
Today is all about David Cameron’s beshitting of the national bed.
This is Part Three, all about 2012...
1. Michael Gove, the precise physical intersection of Gordon the Gopher and Jeffrey Dahmer, was discovered to have a secret identity, Mrs Blurt
2. Under this alter ego he discussed plans to privatise all state schools
2. Under this alter ego he discussed plans to privatise all state schools
3. And then just before this was investigated, somebody called “staff” broke into his office and deleted all his emails
4. Tories removed the minimum standards for teachers
5. By 2020, 72% of schools could employ people with absolutely no qualifications
4. Tories removed the minimum standards for teachers
5. By 2020, 72% of schools could employ people with absolutely no qualifications
6. John Cruddas, the party treasurer, was found selling access to the PM for £250,000 a pop
7. George Osborne introduced the Omnishambles Budget
8. As half the nation was broke or unemployed, he put £42,500 into the pocket of anybody earning £1 million
7. George Osborne introduced the Omnishambles Budget
8. As half the nation was broke or unemployed, he put £42,500 into the pocket of anybody earning £1 million
9. He “punished” banks with an increased levy, but also cut their corporation tax by 19 times more
10. But he increased tax for pensioners
11. And then Lesley Neilson impersonator Andrew Lansley arrived with his brilliant plan to entirely fuck up the NHS
10. But he increased tax for pensioners
11. And then Lesley Neilson impersonator Andrew Lansley arrived with his brilliant plan to entirely fuck up the NHS
12. Co-operation was boring, so he split the NHS into hundreds of competing micro-services, which he “explained” in a document 7 times longer than the entire act that created the NHS in the first place
13. A cabinet colleague called it “Unintelligible gibberish”
13. A cabinet colleague called it “Unintelligible gibberish”
14. Lansley introduced “independent providers to the NHS”
15. He had taken tens of thousands of donations from private health billionaire and Tory mega-donor John Nash
16. Nash’s company later made 96% of its £400m profits from being one of those private providers
15. He had taken tens of thousands of donations from private health billionaire and Tory mega-donor John Nash
16. Nash’s company later made 96% of its £400m profits from being one of those private providers
17. Lansley predicted the NHS would lose 24,000 staff
18. He lost 160,000 nurses by 2019
19. Before he began, the NHS was independently judged the best and most efficient health service on earth. Twice
20. By the time he’d finished, he’d pushed satisfaction levels down by 27%
18. He lost 160,000 nurses by 2019
19. Before he began, the NHS was independently judged the best and most efficient health service on earth. Twice
20. By the time he’d finished, he’d pushed satisfaction levels down by 27%
21. Osborne said he “kicks himself for not having stopped” Lansley
22. If Osborne really believed what he was preaching, he should have outsourced that kicking to enthusiastic private contractors. Form a queue.
22. If Osborne really believed what he was preaching, he should have outsourced that kicking to enthusiastic private contractors. Form a queue.
23. Cameron, the plastic face off the front of a Thomas the Tank Engine toy, said Lansley should be “taken out and shot”
24. Instead, he was made a life peer
25. And so was John Nash
24. Instead, he was made a life peer
25. And so was John Nash
26. The previous year the Tories had vandalised their promised referendum on voting reform
27. This year they vandalised their own manifesto promise to introduce “a mainly elected second chamber to replace the current House of Lords”
27. This year they vandalised their own manifesto promise to introduce “a mainly elected second chamber to replace the current House of Lords”
28. Most of the vandalism came from Jacob Rees-Mogg, the harrowing result of a bout of hate-sex between a Dalek and pendulum
29. He filibustered until the bill failed
29. He filibustered until the bill failed
30. Next up: London Olympics, to which Tories had outsourced security and staffing to G4S for £248 million
31. G4S fucked up so badly that 18,000 troops had to be deployed, which the military described as a “national strategic shock” so severe it took them 2 years to recover
31. G4S fucked up so badly that 18,000 troops had to be deployed, which the military described as a “national strategic shock” so severe it took them 2 years to recover
32. G4S kept their £57 million management bonus
33. Their chief exec doubled his pay to £1.9 million
34. Tory Aidan Burley, fresh from a stag-do where the toast has been “to the ideology and thought process of the Third Reich”, called the Olympic opening ceremony “lefty crap”
33. Their chief exec doubled his pay to £1.9 million
34. Tory Aidan Burley, fresh from a stag-do where the toast has been “to the ideology and thought process of the Third Reich”, called the Olympic opening ceremony “lefty crap”
35. Cameron disagreed, saying “We all celebrate the NHS”
36. Ceremony director later confirmed the Tories had asked him to remove the NHS section
37. The Olympics was designed to inspire a generation to take up sport
36. Ceremony director later confirmed the Tories had asked him to remove the NHS section
37. The Olympics was designed to inspire a generation to take up sport
38. Instead, by 2019 the Tories had cut 1295 swimming pools, 2488 school sports pitchers, and 677 public tennis courts
39. Andrew Mitchell told a policeman guarding Downing St, “Best you learn your fucking place. You don’t run this fucking government. You’re fucking plebs”
39. Andrew Mitchell told a policeman guarding Downing St, “Best you learn your fucking place. You don’t run this fucking government. You’re fucking plebs”
40. The UK fell behind Brazil in the global economic league table
41. Inequality was so bad that using the PPP methodology, the average Brit was now poorer than the average person in Equatorial Guinea, which was technically 100 places behind us on the rich list
41. Inequality was so bad that using the PPP methodology, the average Brit was now poorer than the average person in Equatorial Guinea, which was technically 100 places behind us on the rich list
42. Our recovery from recession was the worst in recorded history
43. Half of all new jobs being created were part-time or insecure
44. One job in 10 paid less than the minimum required for food, heating and rent
43. Half of all new jobs being created were part-time or insecure
44. One job in 10 paid less than the minimum required for food, heating and rent
45. So Tories introduced an “apprentice” scheme which led to 126,000 people being paid less than the min wage
46. Owen Paterson, part of Cameron’s “greenest government ever”, wasted £7 million trying and utterly failing to shoot 5,000 badgers in the dead of night
46. Owen Paterson, part of Cameron’s “greenest government ever”, wasted £7 million trying and utterly failing to shoot 5,000 badgers in the dead of night
47. When this failed, he said it was because “badgers moved the goalposts”
48. The Tories did, however, do one good thing this year: same sex marriage
49. David TC Davies called gay marriage “barking mad”
50. Gerald Howarth called it “appalling”
48. The Tories did, however, do one good thing this year: same sex marriage
49. David TC Davies called gay marriage “barking mad”
50. Gerald Howarth called it “appalling”
51. Philip Hammond said gay marriage should be categorised alongside incest
52. David Cameron, some cross Lego dressed as a PM, later listed this as one of his proudest achievements
53. 117 Tories voted for it
54. 127 Tories voted against
52. David Cameron, some cross Lego dressed as a PM, later listed this as one of his proudest achievements
53. 117 Tories voted for it
54. 127 Tories voted against
55. Summary
- State debt: 77% (up 10% on previous year)
- Foodbank users: 128,000 (up 109%)
- NHS waiting: 2.7 m (up 9%)
- Children in poverty: 3.7 m (up 1.6%)
- Wealth of billionaires: £222 billion (up 5%)
- State debt: 77% (up 10% on previous year)
- Foodbank users: 128,000 (up 109%)
- NHS waiting: 2.7 m (up 9%)
- Children in poverty: 3.7 m (up 1.6%)
- Wealth of billionaires: £222 billion (up 5%)
I’m doing one of these for every year Cameron was in office (other PMs coming every subsequent day). Look for the hashtag #14YearsInTory
It would be lovely you’d my forthcoming book “Tories: The End of an Error”, due ASAP after the election
unbound.com/books/tories-e…
It would be lovely you’d my forthcoming book “Tories: The End of an Error”, due ASAP after the election
unbound.com/books/tories-e…
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