Any day now, this bunch of self-serving masturbators, crooks, xenophobes and spivs will fuck off for good.
In case you’ve forgotten why they’re so unpopular, #14YearsInTory will remind you.
Today is all about David Cameron, with one thread for each of his years in office…
In case you’ve forgotten why they’re so unpopular, #14YearsInTory will remind you.
Today is all about David Cameron, with one thread for each of his years in office…
1. Let’s begin with top recidivist Mark Menzies, who hired a Brazilian sex worker, gave him an illicit tour of the Palace of Westminster, and then asked him to procure a big bag of amphetamines
2. Menzies said “a number of these allegations are untrue, and I look forward to setting the record straight”
3. It’s 10 years later, and Menzies still has a bent record
3. It’s 10 years later, and Menzies still has a bent record
4. The only thing tighter than David Cameron's government was David Cameron's mouth
5. His austerity meant a £40m cut to flood defences
6. Floods in 2014 cost £1.3bn in damage. Total loss: £1.26bn, which is like shoving £1 down a grid every single second for 40 years
5. His austerity meant a £40m cut to flood defences
6. Floods in 2014 cost £1.3bn in damage. Total loss: £1.26bn, which is like shoving £1 down a grid every single second for 40 years
7. Maria Miller claimed £90,000 for a second home in which her parents lived
8. After trying to not be sacked for a week she eventually stood down, and then dying palm tree Michael Fabricant managed to get sacked for saying “about time”
8. After trying to not be sacked for a week she eventually stood down, and then dying palm tree Michael Fabricant managed to get sacked for saying “about time”
9. Michael Gove decided to boost the number of apprenticeships with a reform to pay the companies they worked for £25,000 a year, of which apprentices got £2.73 an hour
10. It led to a drop in apprenticeships of almost one-third
10. It led to a drop in apprenticeships of almost one-third
11. Doltish hate-potato Mark Reckless led a media scrum to Luton Airport to see the “hoards” of new immigrants arriving to “exploit the NHS”
12. Only one immigrant arrived
13. He was asked “Have you come here to exploit the NHS?”
14. He replied, “What’s the NHS?”
12. Only one immigrant arrived
13. He was asked “Have you come here to exploit the NHS?”
14. He replied, “What’s the NHS?”
15. Reckless and (officially) "2016’s least trusted MP” Douglas Carswell defected to UKIP
16. Carswell promised to “clean up politics”
17. He’d been one of the group of MPs ordered to repay over £1 million in dodgy expenses
16. Carswell promised to “clean up politics”
17. He’d been one of the group of MPs ordered to repay over £1 million in dodgy expenses
18. In response to losing these geniuses, the Tories became even more right wing
19. The Supreme Court ruled that bewitched anglepoise lamp Theresa May had broken the law with her “deport first, appeal later” policy
19. The Supreme Court ruled that bewitched anglepoise lamp Theresa May had broken the law with her “deport first, appeal later” policy
20. The wife of Vladimir Putin’s finance minister donated £160,000 to the Tories in return for a game of tennis with Boris Johnson
21. The head of Russia’s state arms company paid £90,000 for a bronze bust of David Cameron
21. The head of Russia’s state arms company paid £90,000 for a bronze bust of David Cameron
22. £15,000 for a jar of honey produced by Hugo Swire, the Tory Brundlefly
23. Boris Johnson stopped being Witless Dickington, the pussy-bothering major of London, so he could become MP for Uxbridge and “lie down in front of the bulldozers” to stop a Heathrow expansion
23. Boris Johnson stopped being Witless Dickington, the pussy-bothering major of London, so he could become MP for Uxbridge and “lie down in front of the bulldozers” to stop a Heathrow expansion
24. Fat Malfoy then flew out of the country so he wouldn’t have to vote against the expansion
25. Spud-U-Hate Andrew Bridgen was prosecuted by the Environment Agency for keeping “lagoons of putrid, urine-like vegetable matter” on his farm
25. Spud-U-Hate Andrew Bridgen was prosecuted by the Environment Agency for keeping “lagoons of putrid, urine-like vegetable matter” on his farm
26. Brooks Newmark resigned after sending photos of his tallywacker to an undercover Daily Mirror journalist
27. A month later he resigned again after being outwitted by his own penis for a second time – he’d been caught doing exactly the same thing again
27. A month later he resigned again after being outwitted by his own penis for a second time – he’d been caught doing exactly the same thing again
28. So, time for a reshuffle, and a chance for Cameron to promise he would rebalance the 23 of 29 ministers who were white, male millionaires
29. He changed 17 ministers
30. Only 5 ended up being women
31. And all of them were millionaires
29. He changed 17 ministers
30. Only 5 ended up being women
31. And all of them were millionaires
32. Robert Buckland was made Solicitor General after being found guilty of professional misconduct by the Bar Council
33. Greg Clark was made science minister, even though he campaigned for the provision of homeopathy in the NHS
33. Greg Clark was made science minister, even though he campaigned for the provision of homeopathy in the NHS
34. And several white, male Tory MPs voted against a new law requiring equal pay
35. They included Aiden Burley, who had defended his attendance at a Nazi-themed party on the grounds he had “not been present during any Nazi chanting”.
35. They included Aiden Burley, who had defended his attendance at a Nazi-themed party on the grounds he had “not been present during any Nazi chanting”.
36. And who amongst us can ask for more from our parliamentarians?
37. Summary
- State debt: 81% (up 3% on previous year)
- Foodbank users: 913,000 (up 163%)
- NHS waiting: 3.1 m (up 7%)
- Children in poverty: 3.9 m (up 5%)
- Billionaires: £333 billion (up 38%)
37. Summary
- State debt: 81% (up 3% on previous year)
- Foodbank users: 913,000 (up 163%)
- NHS waiting: 3.1 m (up 7%)
- Children in poverty: 3.9 m (up 5%)
- Billionaires: £333 billion (up 38%)
That's all for today, but #14YearsInTory will be back tomorrow, you poor, poor bastards.
In the meantime, my publisher insists I remind you that I write books about this shit, with jokes and sentences and all that palaver.
unbound.com/books?collecti…
In the meantime, my publisher insists I remind you that I write books about this shit, with jokes and sentences and all that palaver.
unbound.com/books?collecti…
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
