Thread by @RussInCheshire

As we enter the final week of the election, I’m dong #14YearsInTory, with a thread for every year

This is what they did in 2017.

If you care, all of this (and lots more) is covered and fully referenced in The Decade In Tory (by me), with more jokes etc.

100 points thread 👇

1. The Tories began 2017 by announcing 200,000 new homes

2. They’d also announced 200,000 new homes in 2010, 2011, twice in 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015

3. They skipped promising it in 2016 to have a referendum

4. Didn't matter: none of the homes had ever been built

5. But at least they'd finally provided a budget for the latest promise of 200,000 homes

6. It worked out at £370 per house

7. No new homes got built

8. George Freeman announced an end to mental health treatment so he could “get the money to the REALLY disabled people”

9. He apologised, reversed his announcement, said “we take mental health seriously” and assured the public it was “properly funded”

10. That year, 57% of NHS trusts had to cut mental health provision due to reduced budgets

11. The NHS was described as a “humanitarian crisis” by the Red Cross after 140 Trusts had to beg motor manufacturers for the loan of cars, because ambulances were tied up in queues at A&E

12. The Tories blamed this on “unprecedented health tourism”

13. Health tourism facts: number of Brits treated in Spain: 70,000

14. Number of Spaniards treated in UK: 81

15. The most senior civil servant handling Brexit quit over the govt’s “ill-founded arguments and muddled thinking”

16. To prove it, Theresa May promised to ensure she delivered tariff-free trade to and from the EU

17. The next day Boris Johnson, the foreign secretary, promised he would impose “a 10% tariff on 820,000 cars” coming from Europe

18. David Davis introduced the Brexit Bill, in which he had admitted: “Parliament has remained sovereign throughout our membership of the EU, although it hasn't always felt that way”. It hadn't “felt that way” because Davis had spent years telling us parliament wasn't sovereign

19. You can’t put a price on sovereignty, not even sovereignty you’ve already got but pretended you didn’t, but the Tories managed it: the Brexit divorce cost us another £37bn

20. So far, the cost of Brexit was £410bn, enough to form a tower of £10 notes 2,000 miles high

21. So Theresa May said there was “no magic money tree” to pay nurses

22. There is no magic nurse tree either. They all need paying

23. May called a snap general election to prove she was “strong and stable”

24. It proved she was weak and floppy, and she lost her majority

25. So after a bit of a cry, she went into the garden, found a magic money tree, and plucked a £1bn bribe for the DUP to prop up her govt

26. Dominic Raab blamed foodbank use on “cashflow problems”

27. Those “cashflow problems” had increased 3,200% under Tory austerity

28. The budget for primary school breakfasts was cut to 7p per meal

29. Iain Duncan Smith claimed £39 on expenses for his breakfast

30. David Davis went to Brussels to negotiate Brexit

31. He didn’t take a pen, pad, or any documentation, and he came back home after half a day

32.David Davis's chief aide said the Brexit minister was a “bone idle” man who only worked 3 days a week, and who sacked-off meetings with foreign leaders because he “wanted to go home”. Dominic Cummings called Davis “a perfect stooge” and “as thick as mince”

33. On 14 June the Tory-led “Red Tape Initiative” met to discuss yet more reductions to fire regulations relating to residential buildings

34. On the same day, Grenfell Tower burned down because fire regulations had been cut

35. Theresa May refused to meet the families

36. The Tories made homeowners pay to remove dangerous cladding

37. They guaranteed no affected homeowner would pay more than £9,000

38.Over 60% still face bills over £30,000

39.The Tories said the country couldn’t afford to fix the death-traps their policies had encouraged

40. In the same year as Grenfell, the Tories found £369 million to refurbish Buckingham Palace and £1.2 million to put a new door on the orangery at Windsor Castle

41. The govt cancelled the Queen’s Speech because they had literally no policy agenda to announce: just Brexit

42. Father of six Jacob Rees-Mogg, a Babadook attempting to blend in at a Bible Study Group, said he had never changed a nappy because “nanny wouldn’t approve”

43. That’s his nanny he’s talking about, not his children’s nanny. He still had a nanny. He was 47 years old

44. Theresa May, a tottering seabird that had swallowed a kazoo, said “I want to be able to guarantee the rights of EU citizens living in the UK”

45. Then she stopped guaranteeing their rights

46. And then she cut primary school breakfasts entirely – 7p was just too generous!

47. Philip Hammond, the Chancellor, said “Public sector workers are overpaid”

48. They’d had a 14% real-terms pay cut since 2010

49. Hammond then blamed 7 consecutive years of terrible Tory economic performance on “disabled people not pulling their weight”

50. Hammond - apparently a “Tory moderniser” then said rain staff were “ludicrously overpaid” because “even a woman can drive a train”

51. The Tories launched “Activate”, a network designed to appeal to under-24s leading financially difficult lives

52. Membership was £500

53. The Activate website said “Conservatism is a broad church made up of many different strands”

54. Every photo on the site was a white male in a suit

55. Activate's chatroom included suggestions for “gassing chavs”, “shooting peasants” and using them for medical experiments

56. Activate wanted to raise £10,000 in donations

57. It raised £39, then shut down

58. Next: a “Conservative Glastonbury” to appeal to younger voters

59. Glasto attracts 200,000 people

60. The Tory version attracted 193 people, and their average age was 52

61. Boris Johnson managed to waste £46 million on a bridge across the Thames for which not a single bit of construction ever happened

62. The Trump administration - yes, the Trump administration - said they “don’t want to go anywhere near Boris because we think he’s a joke”

63. Our credit rating had remained the top-rated AAA for over 35 years, even during the fabled economic disaster that was the Winter of Discontent.

64. In 2017 was downgraded again, the third time it had happened since 2010

65. Boris Johnson announced his own Manifesto in The Sun, while doing press-ups. Yep, really.

66. He promised to abolish student debt, force tech giants to pay all their taxes, and increase public sector pay

67. He opposed all of those things when he was a real PM

68. Theresa May gave a conference speech

69. She hadn't been put off by the fact her voice wasn't working

70. Then she had an endless series of coughing fits

71. Then she was offered a P45 by a prankster in the audience

72. And amazingly, she took it

73. Then the scenery fell apart around her

74. Then she read a section of her speech that was copied verbatim from The West Wing

75. Then the Chancellor took it upon himself to roll into a small ball and waggle on his knees to the lectern to offer her a cough sweet. In public.

76. Then she complained the Chancellor’s actions didn’t work, which didn't come as a shock – look at our fucking credit rating

77. And then the cameras caught half the cabinet not clapping during the ovation

78. It was the worst political event on a stage since Abraham Lincoln

79. As a result of Brexit, the Office for National Statistics downgraded the total value of the UK by 25% of our national GDP

80. A spreadsheet of 36 sexually predatory Tory MPs was leaked. Highlights:

81. Mark Menzies had paid a Brazilian sex worker for crystal meth

82. Mark Garnier referred to his secretary as “sugar tits”

83. A minister had told a female journalist “God, I love those tits” and his female staff were warned not to get in a taxi with him

84. Another minister ordered his secretary to “Come and feel the length of my cock”

85. Chris Pincher was accused of sexually assaulting a male Labour MP

86. De facto Deputy PM Damian Green said it was “plausible” he’d groped a Tory activist half his age

87. Daniel Kawczynski had pressured another activist to “date” a wealthy donor “older than her father”

88. Charlie Elphicke was found guilty of sexual assault

90. Bob Spink got six months for electoral fraud

91. But Sir Roger Gale said the victims of this were “wilting flowers” and “You [the media] are responsible… well, mainly female journalists are responsible”

91. During her “private holiday” Priti Patel, the larval form of Miss Trunchbull, held multiple secret meetings with Israeli intelligence agents

92. She secretly agreed to order UK foreign aid to be redirected to Israeli Army camps in the occupied Golan Heights

93. She was sacked, causing the third reshuffle in 2 weeks

94. Boris Johnson gave false evidence in an inquiry that resulted in Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe being locked up for 6 years in Iran for something she didn't do. He never apologised or corrected his evidence.

95. Brexit minister David Davis said on TV, “we are carrying out 57 [Brexit] impact assessments” and promised he was being thorough to ensure Brexit would cause no harm

96. A week later he told parliament “We have been clear that the impact assessments don’t exist”

97. Then Davis revealed Brexit would rob UK charities of £258m they’d been getting from the EU, which the Tories had funnelled through the National Lottery so you wouldn't find out Europe was helpful

98.Theresa May was described by staff as “too depressed to function”. Me too.

99. As we reached the end of her first year in office, Theresa May was voted “Worst Prime Minister In History”

100. Boris Johnson, Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak said “hold my beer”

I'm doing a #14YearsInTory thread for every year they've been in office.

Hey, you, it would be lovely if you'd order my forthcoming book “Tories: The End of an Error”, due ASAP after the election

unbound.com/books/tories-e…