Thread by @ArielDumas

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Many large investors are interested in my muffin stand, because I have promised them the magic of muffins without costly ovens or workers. This, you see, is why I must keep stealing the muffins.

I tell people I make the muffins I sell. To be honest, I take the different kinds of stolen muffins and mush them up, Frankenstein-style, into “new” muffins. No one cares. They marvel at my mushed-up muffins. “So fast!” they cry. “No bake time!”

Of course, I don’t know how to actually bake a muffin. I’ve never touched a blueberry in my life. I simply don’t have the time. Also I don’t want to.

And for you to dare to SUGGEST that maybe instead of stealing muffins, mushing them up, and passing them off as my own, I should try baking them from scratch? Ableist. Also, this is the future.

Also yes, the muffins taste like shit, but who cares? They’re so fast!

To look at a pile of muffins that someone else poured their heart and soul and time into, declare “I am going to mash together a chunk of this lemon poppyseed with some of this bran muffin and then part of a banana one,” - to me, that is art.

Don’t worry. I have figured out how to make the muffins pornographic. That was a priority.

Yes, I get frustrated when I can’t make the same muffin twice. Yes, I don’t like it when the real bakers yell at me.

But I am going to keep doing it because I love money and because the other bakery thieves are like “Dude that’s sick lol.”

I may start stealing donuts as well.