It was reading personal stories and finding myself weeping that I realized I was in an abusive marriage. So, with that knowledge, I share my personal stories to help others.
With that said, I will share another story:
Early in our marriage, we had arguments that went late into the night (don't let the sun go down on your anger). When I brought up an issue, he never seemed to fully get it. I tried to explain, paraphrase, over and over again to gain understanding. It was always put back on me.
After hours of this and no resolution, I got upset because he wasn't getting it. I didn't know if it was intentional, but it was so frustrating, and unfortunately, I got angry.
He then confronted me about my anger. This led me to feel great remorse for my behavior, and eventually, I was in tears apologizing for my anger. The original issue I had was never resolved. But . . . he was now satisfied.
It took decades for me to realize that no conflict ever was resolved.
Shortly before our divorce, he said to me that he missed the "old Julie Anne" - the one who realized her error, cried, and apologized for her sin.
By that time, I knew the pattern: he was never wrong, he never accepted responsibility for anything, and I was always to blame.
Ladies, if this describes your marriage, you are in an emotionally abusive marriage. I recommend the book by Natalie Hoffman, "Is it Me?"
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In my cult, a woman who was fairly new to the church had a lot of spiritual questions. She raised her hand to ask the questions in Sunday school, and the pastor politely answered them. I didn't think anything of it. I liked that the pastor took time to respond to her sincerely.
A few weeks later, she told me that she was not allowed to ask questions anymore. I asked why. She said that the pastor and 2 elders came to her house and spent 5 hours talking to her explaining why she was never to ask questions.
She was told she was usurping her husband's authority and she should be asking her husband all spiritual-related questions. I never heard her ask questions again. She never left the cult, and as far as I know, she is still there.
To discount Julie Roys' thorough articles on John MacArthur because of a personal disclosure in her book is stupid. The evidence she has posted has been circling for years. In 2018 or '17 I personally told Julie there were many JMac cases that had not been given enough exposure.
I know it may seem strange for some to understand that I can say this, and at the same time say I don't agree with how Julie has handled her personal story with Sarah. They are 2 separate issues. I need to stay true to what I believe/know.
I believe John MacArthur has caused great harm in how he treats women, has covered up abuse, has forced women to remain in harmful marriages. I also believe Julie needs to take some time to talk to a respected advocate to understand where she went wrong and stop deflecting.
I'm studying for a cyber security exam (certificate) and as I was studying, my brain shifted to the parallel of vulnerabilities in churches. In my professional world, hackers sometimes intentionally try to break into networks.
There are many businesses that offer bug bounty programs for hackers/penetration testers. They invite hackers to try to break into their systems and even offer financial incentives if they are successful. This helps businesses to "harden" their systems to keep their data safe.
Correlating this with churches, when there is a vulnerability found, the best practice is to hire an independent investigative team to see what practices enabled an abuser to harm. This investigative team offers suggestions on how to fix those vulnerabilities.
Why do victims remain silent about church leaders who harm? Even when there is overwhelming evidence (videos, court documents, perpetrator convicted/sentenced), if victim testifies about church mishandling, devoted followers will nearly always defend church leaders first.
The public cost is enormous for survivors who expose truth. And after exposing church abuse for a decade, I would venture to say the harm done to survivors after going public is hardly worth it. Most abusive pastors remain in their positions or rebrand themselves.
Ravi Zacharias case was an exception. But he's dead now. Tullian Tchividjian rebranded himself. Mark Driscoll changed doctrines and is still practicing shunning and spiritual abuse. And people wonder why survivors deconstruct.
Whoa, I just had an epiphany moment. I've been saying that my ex emotionally abandoned me for years. What he really did was shun me. He wiped his hands clean of me even while I was still in the home (in-home separated for 7 yrs).
He also did this to our eldest daughter when she moved out of the home abruptly at 21 yrs and abandoned her faith. For him, if you do not meet his spiritual approval on faith/practice, you get shunned and rejected. No more effort is given to the relationship.
Shunning in the context of church is horrific. Many times you lose all of the support network you once had. You are left to yourself. Now imagine this in your own home or with family relationships. This is the antithesis of love. Their false religion is their god. #clangingcymbal
Another weird part of my story. A pastor who follows me on Twitter married my ex and his new wife. And he made the connection that my ex was formerly married to me at the airport on his way to wedding weekend while looking at his Twitter feed. #cantmakethisup
He was a pastor connected to a spiritually abusive pastor at a mega church that I exposed on my blog. I reached out to him and we had a phone conversation. I asked him how he could marry a couple who had only been together for such a short time (few mos.).
I got no good answer. I told him that he had a responsibility to do no harm and the quick wedding was not wise. He did tell me he could tell my sons were not happy about the wedding (go figure..their dad told them he was getting married via text; they all lived in same house).