Thread by @Daractenus

By popular demand, as promised, I compiled a short thread of the funniest and most absurd of Russia's recent arsons (with a bit of a bonus something at the end). Do enjoy! 🧵

In Bryansk, an zealous Z patriot decided to do her bit for the motherland by following the online advice of what she believed to be FSB agents, which instructed her to set fire to a random police car, in order to smoke signal their super secret FSB helicopter patrol mission.

She promptly proceeded to walk towards the nearest police station and patriotically set fire to the police car she judged to be most likely to send the biggest smoke cloud, burning it to a crisp.

Two Russian ladies (80yo and 73yo), in ways yet to be elucidated, have somehow been talked over the phone into ambushing a police squad and burning down their car, which they very much did succeed in doing.

Just as one of them lured in the police to her apartment by calling in the theft of her fur coat, the other one, strategically waiting downstairs, poured gasoline over the unattended car and set it on fire, shouting "Glory to Ukraine" all the way through.

(sadly, no video or picture was available for this one)

Hearing the call of mother Russia, a resident of the Russian town of Shakty decided to loan a "FSB officer" he met online some 600k rubles, to aid him in his secret mission against the decadent West.

Having at some point figured out the scam and having sworn never to fall for something like that again, the man proceeded to set off a truckload equivalent of fireworks in the nearest shopping mall, having been promised by another FSB officer he just met online that this act would get him his 600k rubles back.

Advised by online super secret Russian agents that setting police cars on fire would greatly aid the motherland against the evil Anglo-Saxons, a 65 yo Russian patriot named Zelinsky decided to do his bit.

Having eyed an unattended police car in the center of Moscow, the man proceeded to throw 2 Molotov cocktails at it, for good measure. Upon home searches, the man was found to have been stocking up on gas bottles and gasoline canisters, ready to burn down the rest of Moscow's police vehicles.

Tricked by yet another needy FSB officer into getting several loans and mortgaging her house in order to supply his mission with a much needed sum of 10 million rubles, a Moscow resident slowly began to suspect something might not be quite right here.

Having confronted her scammer, she woman believed the promise of getting her money back if she would only set off some fire works in the Red Square, which she did successfully do. Nevertheless, to this day, she did not receive her money back.

Quite possibly the most determined and successful of Russia's amateur arsonists, a 18 yo managed to burn 4 million rubles worth of cars in just three months, for reasons yet to be elucidated, but likely related to some sort of online "FSB officer".

Somewhat defying all expectations given his last name apparently translates to something to the tune of "eight", this young patriot managed to burn 10 cars.

While this is not part of the recent wave of arsons, I figured I'd include it since it went somewhat unnoticed, although I believe it to be the funniest of all Ukrainian operations and one of the dumbest feats of Russian idiocy of the entire war.

After the Russian MoD announced in December 2022 that letters and packages could be sent to the front via Russian Post, calls began circulating throughout Russia to send old blankets to one specific soldier: Lieutenant Kirill Gontarenko. He will go on to eventually receive "aid" packages amounting to 180 metric tons of old blankets, nearly 20% of all packages sent to the "front line".

The call for old blanks quickly became an unstoppable trend throughout Russia, as officials and individuals from all regions, schools, kindergartens, veterans’ councils, post offices, tax offices and even a Seventh Day Adventist Church began sending used blankets.

Moscow region, Moscow, and St. Petersburg sent the most packages by weight, with every second package from Bashkortostan and every third from Kuban being intended for Gontarenko.

By the end of 2023, only Chechnya, Ingushetia and the Jewish Autonomous region hadn’t sent anything to him. Whatever happened to the massive amounts of blankets sent remains a mystery to this day.

Had we really applied ourselves to returning every bit of the favor to Russia when it comes to misinformation, having compiled this thread I am now confident they'd be burning down their country in a matter of weeks.