How to be more secure and less toxic in relationships: A #threadapalooza of most of what I've learned from ~5 years in the attachment healing trenches 🧵
Note on how to use this thread:
- Please do not read these as commandments or things you 'must' do to be healthy. Think of them as tools that you can pick up if they seem useful to you or abandon if they don't. (Essentially, use the recovery adage of 'take what works, leave the rest.' )
- None of this is clinical advice, in case that isn't obvious (rather, most of it is what I absolutely could not find within the field of clinical advice.)
- I am not trying to 'diagnose' toxicity here. (I actually hate that term as applied to people but get that it now has a place in the public zeitgeist that seems to be sticking, so okay.) Think of this more as, 'if you already identify some of your behaviors/patterns as toxic, here are some tools that might work to start moving in the other direction.' Not 'if you do this you're toxic.'
- I wrote this list based on what I was learning over a long, challenging period of my own life. I thought about writing a book on the topic but that doesn't feel alive anymore, so decided to release thoughts in a thread. If you feel overwhelmed or triggered reading through it, that makes sense. It was meant to be paced way more slowly and with tons of examples, exercises etc. Pace yourself intentionally if you want to read to the end but find yourself overwhelmed.
- Or just don't read to the end, obviously.
I think that's all for now! Happy relating 💖💫
- Please do not read these as commandments or things you 'must' do to be healthy. Think of them as tools that you can pick up if they seem useful to you or abandon if they don't. (Essentially, use the recovery adage of 'take what works, leave the rest.' )
- None of this is clinical advice, in case that isn't obvious (rather, most of it is what I absolutely could not find within the field of clinical advice.)
- I am not trying to 'diagnose' toxicity here. (I actually hate that term as applied to people but get that it now has a place in the public zeitgeist that seems to be sticking, so okay.) Think of this more as, 'if you already identify some of your behaviors/patterns as toxic, here are some tools that might work to start moving in the other direction.' Not 'if you do this you're toxic.'
- I wrote this list based on what I was learning over a long, challenging period of my own life. I thought about writing a book on the topic but that doesn't feel alive anymore, so decided to release thoughts in a thread. If you feel overwhelmed or triggered reading through it, that makes sense. It was meant to be paced way more slowly and with tons of examples, exercises etc. Pace yourself intentionally if you want to read to the end but find yourself overwhelmed.
- Or just don't read to the end, obviously.
I think that's all for now! Happy relating 💖💫
1. Stop thinking that two wrongs make a right. If you are in any type of relationship with someone who is behaving badly and you are forgiving it or looking the other way because you are also behaving badly, start holding both of you accountable, instead of neither.
2. Do not enter into relationships (especially romantic relationships) with people whose competence you do not respect. Do not bullshit yourself about this. Do not say things like ‘We just have different types of intelligence!’ if you know, in your heart of hearts, that the type of intelligence they have, you do not respect.
3. Do not enter into relationships (especially romantic relationships) with people whose character you do not respect. Do not bullshit yourself about this. Do not put someone on a pedestal and then get angry when they fall off it. Look at who they actually are and if you cannot, in good faith, think to yourself ‘This is a good egg,’ do not date them.
4. Recognize that emotions are not intrinsically tied to specific actions. You can feel angry and not insult or intimidate people. You can feel abandoned and not attack or manipulate people. If you are prone to thinking that you need to feel less of certain emotions in order to behave better, focus instead on unpairing emotions with behavior.
5. Share your pain with others at the exact volume it exists at. If someone does not care about your pain, even if it is pain that they have caused, do not fixate on making them care. Focus on tending to your hurt feelings around the fact that they do not care, and drawing boundaries accordingly.
6. The most insidious toxic behaviors we have are almost always things we have categorized to be good or even noble behaviors inside our own minds.
These are usually behaviors that were adaptive for us growing up (and so their usefulness was endlessly reinforced) but that are no longer appropriate or reasonable in the realm of adult-to-adult relating.
We are most immune to feedback on these things and are quickest to dismiss or degenerate people who bring their inappropriateness to our attention.
These are also the places where our deepest and most powerful growth opportunities lie.
These are usually behaviors that were adaptive for us growing up (and so their usefulness was endlessly reinforced) but that are no longer appropriate or reasonable in the realm of adult-to-adult relating.
We are most immune to feedback on these things and are quickest to dismiss or degenerate people who bring their inappropriateness to our attention.
These are also the places where our deepest and most powerful growth opportunities lie.
7. Sometimes in conflict, you will be right but not seeing the whole picture. Humble yourself to this. Do not get off on the feeling of ‘I am right,’ and then stop listening, even if you are, in fact, right. You could be missing something major that also matters.
8. Do not tell yourself that your bad feelings are only real if you can explain them perfectly. This will cause you to either fit the facts to your feelings or erase your feelings if they don’t fit the facts. This leaves no room, either way, for the truth.
9. Get comfortable with exploring (both intra- AND inter-personally) ambiguous feelings that you don’t yet understand. Share the raw data points (I.e. ‘I am angry! I don’t know exactly why I’m angry!’), not just the leading hypothesis about why you feel the way you do.
10. Tell the truth about your own experience, but give up on hoping that the truth will make other people care about you or behave differently.
Just tell it because it is regulating to say the truth and dysregulating not to.
Just tell it because it is regulating to say the truth and dysregulating not to.
11. Learn to say ‘I can’t (or won’t) do that because if I did I would resent you and I don’t want to resent you,’ instead of bending to peoples wishes and then resenting them.
12. Learn to disappoint people with kindness and grace. Do not fall victim to the false dichotomy of having to either be a people-pleaser or an asshole. You can prioritize yourself and still care about the impact your choices have on others (this is, in fact, a cornerstone of secure relating).
13. If you find that you are someone who gets projected onto quite frequently (negatively OR positively), ask yourself how good you are at consistently sharing your inner experiences. It’s pretty hard to project onto people who do a lot of self-disclosure. The inverse is also true.
14. Accept that any change in a relational dynamic will require both people changing. If you are fixated on getting your partner to do something differently, look equally as hard at how your role in the dynamic will have to change to support that.
15. Diversify your relational needs as much as possible so that you are never dependent upon one particular person behaving in one particular way in order for you to stay regulated.
Everyone will have the odd off-day and act a little childish or unreasonable. It will be way easier to forgive them if we are able to give them space to ride it out without falling out of sorts ourselves.
Everyone will have the odd off-day and act a little childish or unreasonable. It will be way easier to forgive them if we are able to give them space to ride it out without falling out of sorts ourselves.
16. Notice when you are scorekeeping in your relationships and ask yourself why you’re doing that instead of explicitly bringing up things you’re unhappy with, as they arise.
(It might be that you want to leave the relationship deep down but think you can’t do so until you can prove to yourself that they’re terrible, so you’re stockpiling evidence in that direction.)
(Don't do that last thing, it's shitty.)
(It might be that you want to leave the relationship deep down but think you can’t do so until you can prove to yourself that they’re terrible, so you’re stockpiling evidence in that direction.)
(Don't do that last thing, it's shitty.)
17. Learn what ‘triggered’ and ‘defensive’ feel like in your body. You don't have to stop when those feelings come online, but it probably helps to move slowly and with caution through them, as though you are navigating extreme weather.
18. The fear of commitment is usually just a fear of committing to whatever version of ourselves we think we have to be in order to stay in a relationship.
If you are fixated on the question ‘Should I stay or leave,’ it might be more helpful to ask the question ‘How can I express more of myself in this relationship?’ This is especially true if you chronically fear commitment.
If you are fixated on the question ‘Should I stay or leave,’ it might be more helpful to ask the question ‘How can I express more of myself in this relationship?’ This is especially true if you chronically fear commitment.
19. Pay attention to how you react to feeling disappointed, betrayed, abandoned, ashamed or mistreated in a relationship. These are the instances where we’re most prone to justifying our own toxic behaviors because ‘they started it/they deserve it.’
20. Notice when you're in the drama triangle (meaning you're vying for the role of ‘most hurt person’ in a relationship). Ask yourself which steps you could take to start making yourself feel better, even if this person were to go on behaving exactly as they are behaving forever.
21. If you want to tell the truth but think that the truth is mean, get more vulnerable.
The deepest truth is never a surface-level judgement about someone else, it’s the experience of what it’s like to be ourselves, carrying around and living with that judgement.
(I.e. 'You need to get your shit together in order for this relationship to work,' is way less true than, 'I feel frustrated and helpless in this relationship and I don’t know how to talk about it without hurting us both.')
The deepest truth is never a surface-level judgement about someone else, it’s the experience of what it’s like to be ourselves, carrying around and living with that judgement.
(I.e. 'You need to get your shit together in order for this relationship to work,' is way less true than, 'I feel frustrated and helpless in this relationship and I don’t know how to talk about it without hurting us both.')
22. If we are too proud to express our pain when it is a 2 or 3 out of 10, it will add up, and the moment we find something that feels ‘legitimate’ to get mad about it will come out as a 27/10.
The best thing we can do if we consider ourselves to be ‘explosive,’ temperamentally, is to get more attuned to small pains and express them more consistently, as they arise.
The best thing we can do if we consider ourselves to be ‘explosive,’ temperamentally, is to get more attuned to small pains and express them more consistently, as they arise.
23. For honesty, risk-taking and growth to happen in a relationship, there first has to be an underlying feeling of safety and stability established. Work hard on creating the latter if you’re hoping for the former.
24. If you want to stay in your relationship but think the problem is 100% your partner, your contribution is probably emanating from a psychological blind spot. Go looking for it. Seek out feedback from people who do not behave as your ‘yes men.’
25. To get better at understanding others, de-center yourself. Asking ‘How is their behavior adaptive for them?’ will likely get you much closer to the truth than asking ‘Why are they hurting me like this?’
26. It is a lot easier to get explicit about what you want and select for it in the dating process than it is to try to change someone once you’ve grown attached.
Get clear on how you like to give and receive love and then go looking for someone who enjoys doing the same.
Do not delude yourself about someone’s potential and then feel victimized later.
Get clear on how you like to give and receive love and then go looking for someone who enjoys doing the same.
Do not delude yourself about someone’s potential and then feel victimized later.
27. Have standards for how you will treat people that you uphold regardless of how you are treated. This does not mean letting people walk all over you. It means staying centered in your own integrity and drawing boundaries around situations that threaten to elicit an unhealthy response from you.
28. Notice when you find yourself wanting to hurt someone the way they have hurt you. This is not an unusual feeling to have when being mistreated, but it also usually speaks to the health of the relationship. Instead of retaliating, it might be time to leave.
29. If you find yourself in a ‘fight’ response, you might be assuming that only one person’s needs can be met in the situation at hand. Make room to consider that there might be a third option you can’t see yet. Try disclosing your own need (even if it directly conflicts with the other’s) and saying that you’d like to figure out a solution for meeting both.
30. If you find yourself in a ‘flight’ response, you might be feeling overwhelmed by what you’re assuming the situation expects of you. Explain vulnerably what you think you cannot do, but must do. This will allow you to find out whether or not help is available.
31. If you find yourself in a ‘freeze’ response, your body might believe that the situation at hand has an unrecoverably high cost of mistake.
Spend some time getting clear on what your body thinks is at stake (hint: it’s often something like ‘my dignity,’ or ‘my conceptualization of myself as a good person,’) even if your mind knows it’s not true.
Spend some time getting clear on what your body thinks is at stake (hint: it’s often something like ‘my dignity,’ or ‘my conceptualization of myself as a good person,’) even if your mind knows it’s not true.
32. Wondering whether you are ‘good enough’ for love implies a fundamental error in the way that you are thinking about love (imagining it to be an objective reward you earn rather than a subjective experience people have).
Ask instead how someone might feel being loved by you, then go and find someone who wants to feel like that.
Ask instead how someone might feel being loved by you, then go and find someone who wants to feel like that.
33. Feeling like you cannot ever get enough comfort or reassurance in a relationship is usually downstream of a different problem, like having low self-esteem or choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
If you find yourself swimming in circles, travel upstream.
If you find yourself swimming in circles, travel upstream.
34. Feeling like all of your partners are ‘crazy’ and require emotional caretaking is usually downstream of a different problem, like an inability to be vulnerable yourself (and consequently only attracting partners who are willing to way over-function in this area).
If you find yourself swimming in circles, travel upstream.
If you find yourself swimming in circles, travel upstream.
35. If someone's behavior is hurting you, ask untargeted, open-ended questions about why they're doing what they're doing. You might be surprised at some of the answers you get.
36. Consider it your responsibility as a partner (or friend or family member) to make your needs known inside of a relationship AND to circle back on/emphasis the ones that really matter. This gives the other person a true, fair chance at rising to the occasion of meeting them.
37. If you find yourself in the same type of terrible relationship over and over and over again, it’s probably time to do some shadow work.
Shadow work is not about embracing the worst versions of ourselves.
It’s about recognizing the ways in which we are accidentally acting out the worst versions of ourselves under the guise of virtue. In other words: getting clear on what we have categorized as good and prosocial in our minds that is in fact bringing about destructive and antisocial consequences (oops).
Shadow work is not about embracing the worst versions of ourselves.
It’s about recognizing the ways in which we are accidentally acting out the worst versions of ourselves under the guise of virtue. In other words: getting clear on what we have categorized as good and prosocial in our minds that is in fact bringing about destructive and antisocial consequences (oops).
38. We often think people will like us less if we say ‘no’ more often. This is often the case if we are weird and incongruent about our ‘no’s - if we are immediately looking to the people we’re rejecting for reassurance that it’s okay we have done so.
A kind and self-contained ‘no’ often just makes people trust and respect us more.
A kind and self-contained ‘no’ often just makes people trust and respect us more.
39. What we are NOT doing in relationships can cause just as much pain and dysregulation for our partners as what we are doing. Before assuming someone is being hyper-sensitive, we may want to look at whether we are meeting the bare minimum standards for consistency, authenticity and co-regulation.
40. Denying our strengths in a relationship is just as dishonest as denying our weaknesses.
Don't wax poetic about your authenticity if you are open about your struggles, but perpetually failing to mention the opportunities you have to amend or take control of the situations you are faced with.
Don't wax poetic about your authenticity if you are open about your struggles, but perpetually failing to mention the opportunities you have to amend or take control of the situations you are faced with.
41. Pay attention to any situations where realizing that someone else is wrong feels like a self-righteous high. If those are the only situations in which you feel powerful or strong, your growth path may lie in finding healthier/less enmeshed ways to connect with those (very vital and very necessary) feelings.
42. Try not to mistake your hypotheses about other people for the truth. I.e. ‘You are triggered and projecting your dad onto me,’ is not the truth, it is a hypothesis about another person. ‘You are a manipulative narcissist’ is also not the truth, it is a hypothesis about another person.
‘I feel hurt by what you just said to me,’ is the truth (if what you are feeling is hurt by what someone just said to you). We have authority over our own subjective experiences, but no one else’s.
‘I feel hurt by what you just said to me,’ is the truth (if what you are feeling is hurt by what someone just said to you). We have authority over our own subjective experiences, but no one else’s.
43. It will be almost impossible to end up in a secure relationship if we are self-regulating through fantasies of being loved by a 'perfect' person and making dating choices accordingly.
That's probably only going to attract/retain people with unhealed narcissistic wounds, who enjoy being idealized. Secure people want to be seen and treated as equals.
That's probably only going to attract/retain people with unhealed narcissistic wounds, who enjoy being idealized. Secure people want to be seen and treated as equals.
44. If being love-bombed or obsessed over feels amazing, it may point towards underlying self-esteem issues, like toxic shame.
Work on your shame wounds until being idealized starts to feel weird and uncomfortable - like someone is not trying to get to know the true 'you.' (And someone failing to see the real 'you' no longer feels like a relief.)
Work on your shame wounds until being idealized starts to feel weird and uncomfortable - like someone is not trying to get to know the true 'you.' (And someone failing to see the real 'you' no longer feels like a relief.)
45. Remember that nobody plans to be toxic, it’s just a natural consequence of prioritizing the avoidance of shame or abandonment above most other things.
To root out your toxic behaviors, don't go looking for your inner malice, go looking for any ways in which you're willing to distort reality and prioritize fantasy in order to keep yourself feeling okay.
To root out your toxic behaviors, don't go looking for your inner malice, go looking for any ways in which you're willing to distort reality and prioritize fantasy in order to keep yourself feeling okay.
46. Losing dysfunctional relationships will hurt terribly, especially if you are also dysfunctional and felt mirrored by the person you’ve lost.
Don’t deny grief in the situations where you feel like you ‘shouldn’t’ feel it. Feel it, keep your boundaries in place, and learn from the pain.
Don’t deny grief in the situations where you feel like you ‘shouldn’t’ feel it. Feel it, keep your boundaries in place, and learn from the pain.
47. If your friends know way more about the issues and concerns you have about your relationship than your partner does, there is a strong chance that your dishonesty and withholding is a major part of the problems you are having.
48. People respond to energy much more than words. If you are saying all the ‘right things’ but giving off a hostile vibe, the natural thing for another person to feel is confused and distressed by the incongruence. Don’t be shitty and gaslight-y to people about this.
49. If you start to change for the better and it feels like people are trying to pull you back down into your old, unhealthy habits, don’t immediately assume they’re trying to sabotage you.
They might just have no idea how to connect with the new version of you, so are making the same old connection bids they’re used to you responding to. Help people adjust to you changing by being explicit about the changes you’re making, and what you'd love to connect on them with now.
They might just have no idea how to connect with the new version of you, so are making the same old connection bids they’re used to you responding to. Help people adjust to you changing by being explicit about the changes you’re making, and what you'd love to connect on them with now.
50. We teach people how to treat us, yes. But even more foundationally: people intuit how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. The way we draw boundaries, advocate for and otherwise respect ourselves shows other people what matters to us, and how to respect us in turn.
51. Be aware of your outer critic - the tiny authority figure in your head that monitors and shames other people's behavior. Do not assume that the voice is universally right, just because it elicits such a powerful emotional response.
Strong outer critics are often the internalized voices of abusive parents or authority figures, whose conditions were once so important for us to adhere to that we have never stopped to question their legitimacy. Question them now (lest you find yourself turning into them).
Strong outer critics are often the internalized voices of abusive parents or authority figures, whose conditions were once so important for us to adhere to that we have never stopped to question their legitimacy. Question them now (lest you find yourself turning into them).
52. Intimate relationships are mirrors. If you eventually start hating and rejecting everyone you get close with, consider the possibility that what you’re actually rejecting is some part of yourself that you can’t stand having reflected back to you.
Then, work on getting to know that part of yourself. Help it in developing some dignity.
Then, work on getting to know that part of yourself. Help it in developing some dignity.
53. If you aren’t clear on what your triggers are, write the sentence ‘I am only okay/worth loving if…’ on a piece of page, then complete the sentence with as many answers as you can think of, as fast as you possibly can.
You now have a list of your personal landmines. If anyone implies you are NOT doing any of the things you’ve listed, your unconscious mind might register it as them telling you you’re not worth loving.
Then the fangs come out.
You now have a list of your personal landmines. If anyone implies you are NOT doing any of the things you’ve listed, your unconscious mind might register it as them telling you you’re not worth loving.
Then the fangs come out.
54. Do not let how you treat people be dependent upon whether or not you think they are 'right.' Develop skills for treating people with dignity and respect even when you believe them to be dead wrong.
55. Spend less time on questions like ‘Where the hell do I meet securely attached people?’ And more time on questions like ‘How can I appeal to the secure parts of everyone I meet, regardless of their attachment style?’
56. When you’re bringing relationship problems to friends or loved ones, be mindful about how you’re conveying situations.
Are you laying out the facts in a way that will lead them to say ‘You’re right and the other person is an asshole!’ Or are you presenting both sides of the problem and brainstorming ways you could resolve things directly with the other person?
Work on doing more of the second thing and less of the first.
Are you laying out the facts in a way that will lead them to say ‘You’re right and the other person is an asshole!’ Or are you presenting both sides of the problem and brainstorming ways you could resolve things directly with the other person?
Work on doing more of the second thing and less of the first.
57. If you find yourself making a lot of generalizations about a group of people (other attachment styles, the opposite sex, etc.), ask yourself ‘Who specifically hurt me?’ Then, stop telling the story you’ve been telling about that group of people and start telling the story of how that one specific person hurt you. This will allow people to actually get to know you.
58. Figure out whose eyes you are looking through when you are picking partners (or people to be close to). Are you still seeking the approval of some imagined authority figure, like a parent?
If so, get curious about what it might look like if you were making choices about who to get close to through your own eyes.
Who would you choose to spend time around if the final authority on the matter was the way you felt in your body when you were around them?
If so, get curious about what it might look like if you were making choices about who to get close to through your own eyes.
Who would you choose to spend time around if the final authority on the matter was the way you felt in your body when you were around them?
59. Keep in mind that if you are not (yet) securely attached and your partner is not (yet) securely attached, your relationship is not going to look like a perfectly securely attached relationship. This should be obvious but it very often is not.
Ask, ‘Are we operating at the leading edges of what we’re respectively capable of right now?’ and judge your relationship’s health/progress accordingly.
Ask, ‘Are we operating at the leading edges of what we’re respectively capable of right now?’ and judge your relationship’s health/progress accordingly.
60. To stop fearing abandonment, stop dissociating from it. We get abandoned all the time, we just do things to not notice, like throwing ourselves into work or immediately calling our friends and getting them to tell us that we are not the problem.
Instead, stay with the pain when you feel rejected or abandoned in small ways. Watch yourself moving through it, and then on from it, without the world collapsing.
Say to yourself ‘I feel rejected, and I am still breathing.’
‘I feel abandoned and I am surviving.’
‘I feel alone and afraid and the street in front of me and the walls around me are still here and they will still be here tomorrow and so will most of the things I love and it turns out the world is not collapsing in on itself, even though this one thing that I desperately do not want seems to be happening.’
We have to say batshit stuff like this to ourselves - and actually allow ourselves to feel the embodied truth of them - when we are going through it because unfortunately, it works. Association to abandonment teaches us about the surprising object permanence of most things.
Instead, stay with the pain when you feel rejected or abandoned in small ways. Watch yourself moving through it, and then on from it, without the world collapsing.
Say to yourself ‘I feel rejected, and I am still breathing.’
‘I feel abandoned and I am surviving.’
‘I feel alone and afraid and the street in front of me and the walls around me are still here and they will still be here tomorrow and so will most of the things I love and it turns out the world is not collapsing in on itself, even though this one thing that I desperately do not want seems to be happening.’
We have to say batshit stuff like this to ourselves - and actually allow ourselves to feel the embodied truth of them - when we are going through it because unfortunately, it works. Association to abandonment teaches us about the surprising object permanence of most things.
61. To get more of what you want (both in relationships and in general), embody your desire but don’t hold any particular person or situation responsible for delivering it to you. Just live with it, and notice what happens.
62. If we actually want to heal, we cannot just double-down on the modalities we like without considering whether they are solving the problems we uniquely have.
I.e. If we are avoidant, we probably do not need more meditation practices. If we are anxious, we probably do not need more content that diagnoses our partners or exes with personality disorders.
Be honest with yourself about where your actual growth edge lies and then pursue it wholeheartedly.
I.e. If we are avoidant, we probably do not need more meditation practices. If we are anxious, we probably do not need more content that diagnoses our partners or exes with personality disorders.
Be honest with yourself about where your actual growth edge lies and then pursue it wholeheartedly.
63. Remember that pretty much everyone we meet is going to seem toxic if we are making the fundamental error of thinking other people are responsible for caring for us the way a parent would care for a child.
64. Secure attachment is not about having things (I.e. having a specific relationship we feel safe within, a community we feel aligned with, etc.). It’s a way of being.
Being in a state of secure attachment means trusting our own ability to navigate change, uncertainty and loss with integrity and resilience.
It’s about not having to distort reality to stay regulated, but to trust our inner resources enough to face the challenges of life head-on and continuously re-create (and rediscover) a life we are proud of.
Being in a state of secure attachment means trusting our own ability to navigate change, uncertainty and loss with integrity and resilience.
It’s about not having to distort reality to stay regulated, but to trust our inner resources enough to face the challenges of life head-on and continuously re-create (and rediscover) a life we are proud of.
65. Most toxic patterns stem outwards from living with the unconscious question ‘How can I make people love and respect me?’
Notice when you are embodying this question and treat it as a self red flag.
Start asking a different question, like ‘What would help me respect myself and love my own life more?’
Notice when you are embodying this question and treat it as a self red flag.
Start asking a different question, like ‘What would help me respect myself and love my own life more?’
66. Accept that it’s almost always easier to see other peoples flaws than our own, and we must work to avoid the fallacy of thinking that just because we can see someone else’s contribution to a relationship problem clearly, we are necessarily innocent or not contributing anything to it ourselves.
67. If you can’t tell the truth all the way because you’re too ashamed of saying the truth out loud, tell people ‘I can’t tell the truth all the way because I’m too ashamed of saying the truth out loud.’ This is still a massive step up, integrity-wise, from lying.
68. If you feel disgust towards someone, do not automatically assume that means the person is disgusting. Also do not automatically assume that you are a terrible person for feeling disgust.
It’s just a feeling. Examine what it might be there to tell you.
Maybe there is a boundary you need to set with this person that you haven’t set yet. Maybe there’s a trigger that’s gone off that you were unaware of.
Feelings are messengers, not prophets. All they are capable of delivering to us is information about our own subjective experience.
It’s just a feeling. Examine what it might be there to tell you.
Maybe there is a boundary you need to set with this person that you haven’t set yet. Maybe there’s a trigger that’s gone off that you were unaware of.
Feelings are messengers, not prophets. All they are capable of delivering to us is information about our own subjective experience.
69. Do not pretend that your sexuality is divorced from the rest of your psychology. Of course it isn't. There's gold in your relationship to sex and sexuality. Mine it. (Be as delicate as you need to be here).
70. Look at how much time are you spending in fantasy, versus being plugged into the present moment. Look at how much time are you spending zoned out or strategizing about your relationship, versus being plugged into the present moment.
An increase in association is almost always going to get you moving in the direction of security.
(It is also likely to surface a lot of the pain that caused you to detach from reality in the first place. This will have to be patiently worked through).
An increase in association is almost always going to get you moving in the direction of security.
(It is also likely to surface a lot of the pain that caused you to detach from reality in the first place. This will have to be patiently worked through).
71. Expressing 'irrational feelings' can often save a dying relationship, because logic is not what we connect deeply on, emotion is.
Many useful conversations lie on the other side of 'I know this is irrational/unfair but some part of me needs to say it anyway!'
Many useful conversations lie on the other side of 'I know this is irrational/unfair but some part of me needs to say it anyway!'
72. If you rarely feel vulnerable but frequently feel contemptuous, stop the next time contempt shows up and ask yourself 'How would I feel if someone who I thought of as my equal were treating me this way?'
Now you have a direct line to how your vulnerable, repressed inner child is probably feeling in the situation you're in.
Now you have a direct line to how your vulnerable, repressed inner child is probably feeling in the situation you're in.
73. Notice whether the issues you are taking with another person sound more like 'You are different than me and I think you should be the same,' or 'You are the same as me and I think you should be different.'
You are missing out on learning opportunities with the first attitude, and connection opportunities with the second.
You are missing out on learning opportunities with the first attitude, and connection opportunities with the second.
74. Know when it's time to quit. Even the healthiest substances become toxic when they're misdiagnosed or OD'd on. Learn to say the really hard goodbyes when the time is right.
75. Most of not being toxic just boils down to being able to say ‘Ow that hurt’ when something hurts your feelings, and then tending to the pain (rather than spinning an elaborate, never-ending story about what’s wrong with another person and right with you, to avoid it).
Stay in reality. Have the courage to face what it brings up in you. That's pretty much the entire shebang.
Stay in reality. Have the courage to face what it brings up in you. That's pretty much the entire shebang.
And, I think that's all I've got for this year's #threadapalooza! Didn't quite make it to 100, but felt I'd be beating a dead horse by continuing.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I love you, godspeed and happy New Years. 🥂❤️
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I love you, godspeed and happy New Years. 🥂❤️
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