How to be more secure and less toxic in relationships: A #threadapalooza of most of what I've learned from ~5 years in the attachment healing trenches 🧵
Note on how to use this thread:
- Please do not read these as commandments or things you 'must' do to be healthy. Think of them as tools that you can pick up if they seem useful to you or abandon if they don't. (Essentially, use the recovery adage of 'take what works, leave the rest.' )
- None of this is clinical advice, in case that isn't obvious (rather, most of it is what I absolutely could not find within the field of clinical advice.)
- I am not trying to 'diagnose' toxicity here. (I actually hate that term as applied to people but get that it now has a place in the public zeitgeist that seems to be sticking, so okay.) Think of this more as, 'if you already identify some of your behaviors/patterns as toxic, here are some tools that might work to start moving in the other direction.' Not 'if you do this you're toxic.'
- I wrote this list based on what I was learning over a long, challenging period of my own life. I thought about writing a book on the topic but that doesn't feel alive anymore, so decided to release thoughts in a thread. If you feel overwhelmed or triggered reading through it, that makes sense. It was meant to be paced way more slowly and with tons of examples, exercises etc. Pace yourself intentionally if you want to read to the end but find yourself overwhelmed.
- Or just don't read to the end, obviously.
I think that's all for now! Happy relating 💖💫
May 7, 2024 • 67 tweets • 17 min read
Actually, might use this as an accountability thread to myself. And pick a few words each time that are wanting to see the light of day ☀️
From Day 1/90: "The Lost Art Of Being Starving To Death"
Mar 22, 2024 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
I had an 'aha' moment tonight when someone commented on a video of mine 'Why would I need or want relationships if I could just self-regulate and be whole on my own?' It made me realize most of us are unconsciously framing relationships in 1 of 2 ways:
Frame 1 is 'Relationships as an escape from suffering.'
Relationships are judged by how much they *relieve* us from things like low self-esteem, loneliness etc. This is what NLP would call a 'move away from' value.
We are motivated by what we're escaping & are ∴ risk-adverse.
Feb 20, 2024 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
In many ways, healing work is about going back over the past and adjusting the focal point on your memories until you can see the entire picture more clearly. Eventually you can enjoy a degree of choice around how the whole movie gets played back.
There's contempt in many areas of the healing world around narratives or 'stories' but we unconsciously represent reality this way whether we like it or not. The mind takes in too much data for it to not have filtering mechanisms around what's meaningful and useful to focus on.
Feb 5, 2024 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
Thinking about how there is not a dating game. There are two dating games: or two leagues. One is the Secure League, which is subject-driven. The other is the Insecure League, which is object-driven. Most dating ploys (pick-up artistry etc.) assume only the latter league exists.
To be insecurely attached means to be consciously cut off from some part of one's subjective experience: Either one's vulnerability or agency. A lot of dating takes seem to encourage men to maximize agency and minimize vulnerability, to attract women with the opposite patterning.
Dec 12, 2023 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
I REALLY hate the stereotype that avoidant attachment causes people to randomly lose interest in relationships by some magical attachment voodoo. There is a logic to avoidants losing interest. It goes like this:
Avoidants naturally, unconsciously suppress negative affect.
When secure people are entering into relationships, they notice traits in their partners that feel like green, red AND yellow lights. Avoidants notice green & red lights but usually not yellow ones (small concerns).
Feb 11, 2021 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
Types as Feelings:
INFP: The feeling of letting your entire body relax into a warm, safe, enveloping hug.
INTP: The feeling of opening a dense yet fascinating book that you never want to end.
ESFP: The feeling that bold colors and strong coffee and radiant sunshine gives you.
ENTJ: The feeling of waking up bright and early to crisp air, a clear mind and an expansive view.
ISFP: The feeling of loving something so much you want to bite it in half but knowing you can't (or maybe those are just my feelings about @iamsarahsnow)
