1. Constant and unrelenting autistic triggers cause us constant micro-traumas... many caused by the negative reactions others have to us being triggered or to our autistic needs in general→
2. We mask the autistic traits we believe led to the negative reactions we received→
3. We internalize our needs to minimize the impact they have on others to reduce the likelihood of experiencing those negative reactions again→
4. This causes us extreme autistic (distinct) anxiety, that compounds over time (for many of us, decades) becoming unrelenting & intolerable→
5. We turn to harmful, even dangerous, coping strategies (like substance use) to deal with the anxiety and now years of built up cPTSD→
6. Our hearts and bodies slowly wear out under the constant distress and we end up with physical issues... some life threatening (in my case, a stress induced heart event at 34)→
7. We end up with additional and compounded mental health issues... some of us becoming so desperate that s**cide feels like the only viable solution.
To be clear...this is the pipeline many autistic people experience **when our needs aren't met.**
This post is not meant to be alarmist. It's meant to point out that when we ask for support, we're not just asking for things we want... we're pleading for things we NEED.
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I stopped drinking alcohol over a year ago, but I just realized something about my alcohol use that might be the exact thing some of you need to hear...so, here it is.
I genuinely didn't realize I was drinking as a coping mechanism. (1)
I thought I was drinking to relax. Not to cope.
That's not what I just realized though (I've known this for a while). This is the thing I just realized... (2)
All I had EVER heard about alcoholism until that point was that people end up in addiction because they use it to cope with anxiety and depression. Right or wrong, that's what was in my head about alcohol addiction. (3)
Saying "self diagnosis isn't valid because everyone is claiming to be autistic after watching a single TikTok video" is as accurate as saying "formal diagnosis isn't valid because all practitioners are telling people they can't be autistic after meeting them for 5 minutes."
Yes, both happen. But it doesn't make either of them universally true.
I actually believe there are likely some people out there who watched a tiktok video or two (probably ones misrepresenting autism) and mistakenly came to the conclusion they're autistic. BUT...
There are also an alarming number of formally trained practitioners working from outdated knowledge, or simply not doing what they were trained to do (differential diagnosis, I'll explain what this means in a sec) and then incorrectly dismissing autism in a matter of minutes.
7 internal autistic experiences I wish more people understood...
(These are not universal, but extremely common)
1. We rarely meet people with the same interests and struggle to find things to talk about with them
2. We don't know what's considered socially "appropriate" and when we try to act "appropriately" we never quite hit the mark
3. We often end up with our "foot in our mouth" and have no idea how we got there or how to stop it from happening again
4. We find socializing draining because of these things and therefore prefer to be alone
5. We have extreme sensory overload and create a safe sensory world around us with foods, clothes, and physical environments that don't trigger us... and retreat from environments that do
I want to thank everyone who engaged on my posts about internalized autism.
There were so many incredibly insightful comments, and it's given me a LOT to think about. (1)
I do think it's extremely important that concepts like this evolve within the community and not be exclusively defined by a single person. So I am truly grateful for all the amazing discourse I've seen as I've shared my initial thoughts about it. (2)
That said, I'm realizing now that when I initially came to the concept of internalized autism, my mind was conflating two distinct things.
One is the missing group of undiagnosed autistic people who don't "present" as autistic... (3)
My breakdown of the autism Princeton study, part 5
Ok, so now that I've laid out all the details of the actual study, I'm going to get into how it all relates to the late diagnosed, level 1, high masking, lower support needs version of autism (my version of autism)...
Aka, the version that often looks like absolutely nothing but is rife with internalized anxiety.
There were two groups from the study that immediately stood out to me when thinking about my version of autism.
The Social/Behavioral group, which had visible autistic traits that tended to show up later in childhood, no developmental delays, and typically presented with co-occurring conditions like ADHD and anxiety.