Thread by @AdamLaneSmith

How avoidants actually fall in love: the science.

Not the movie version. Not the “they just need to open up” myth.

What actually happens in their brain is very different. 🧵

Avoidant people don’t bond through emotional flooding.

Big talks, intense vulnerability, and pressure to “connect deeper” triggers threat, not love. Their nervous system reads intensity as danger.

Early in life, closeness was unreliable, overwhelming, or costly. So their brain adapted:
• Downregulated oxytocin
• Upregulated cortisol during intimacy
• Strengthened self-reliance circuits

This isn’t coldness. It’s survival wiring.

That’s why avoidants don’t “fall” in true love. They build love. Slowly. Quietly. Through repeated proof that closeness doesn’t trap or overwhelm them.

The key chemical isn’t oxytocin at first. It’s vasopressin. Vasopressin bonds through:
• Shared problem-solving
• Reliability under stress
• Doing life together without emotional pressure

When someone consistently:
• Shows up
• Keeps expectations finite and clear
• Doesn’t escalate emotion to get closeness

The avoidant brain finally relaxes. Safety first. Then affection.

Once safety is established, oxytocin can come back online. Not through emotional intensity, but through calm presence, trust, and predictability. This is when avoidants suddenly feel:
“I miss you.”
“I want you here.”
“I don’t want to lose this.”

To outsiders, it looks sudden. To the avoidant, it’s been building for months. Love didn’t arrive loudly. It arrived quietly after danger left the room.

This is why chasing, pushing, or “talking it out” too early backfires. You’re stimulating fear chemistry, not bonding chemistry. Love doesn’t grow when the nervous system is bracing.

Avoidants don’t lack the ability to love. They're just wired differently, not broken. They require proof of safety.

And when love finally locks in, they’re often among the most loyal, steady, deeply bonded partners there are.