Over-explaining is a form of emotional begging.
It keeps you trap in a cycle of anxiety.
How to say less and mean more:
It keeps you trap in a cycle of anxiety.
How to say less and mean more:
Over-explaining is a habit response. It comes from emotional monitoring. When we believe someone might feel upset or hurt by something we say, we over-explain to try to please the other person and to protect ourselves.
The issue with over-explaining is, we're creating a story about how someone will feel before we actually give them a chance to tell us what they think or feel.
Over-explaining looks like:
- giving a ton of unnecessary details
- making a lot of excuses or chronically apologizing
- talking over someone, or interupting
- talking a lot of about yourself, personal issues, etc.
- giving a ton of unnecessary details
- making a lot of excuses or chronically apologizing
- talking over someone, or interupting
- talking a lot of about yourself, personal issues, etc.
Over-explaining is most common when:
- you were punished harshly growing up
- your boundaries were violated, often
- you grew up in a home where you weren't heard
- you experienced abandonment, often
- you grew up around distant or dissoicated parents
- you were punished harshly growing up
- your boundaries were violated, often
- you grew up in a home where you weren't heard
- you experienced abandonment, often
- you grew up around distant or dissoicated parents
Over-explaining comes from fear. We've experienced rejection, shame, or betrayal and believe that if we just give the right explanation it won't happen again.
In reality, over-explaining:
- makes the other person feel anxious or forces them to comfort us
- lowers our confidence
- projects insecurity
- is over-functioning (believe we're fully responsible for the emotional state of others)
- makes the other person feel anxious or forces them to comfort us
- lowers our confidence
- projects insecurity
- is over-functioning (believe we're fully responsible for the emotional state of others)
Breaking the habit of over-explaining changes our relationships because we're not longer begging or bargaining.
Instead we're being clear, kind, and direct.
We signal to people that we respect ourselves, our boundaries, and our own choices.
Instead we're being clear, kind, and direct.
We signal to people that we respect ourselves, our boundaries, and our own choices.
HOW TO PRACTICE NOT OVER-EXPLAINING:
1. Keep the 3 sentence rule: stop with long-winded explanations. Say less and break the impulse to elaborate.
"I got that and will have it to you soon. Thank you for being patient."
1. Keep the 3 sentence rule: stop with long-winded explanations. Say less and break the impulse to elaborate.
"I got that and will have it to you soon. Thank you for being patient."
2. Breathe slower: over-explaining happens when our nervous system becomes activated. Slow down your breathing when you're responding to someone. Talk slower. This sends a direct signal to your body that you're safe and don't need to over-speak.
3. People love clarity: when you don't add in extra details and go into circular explanations, people appreciate you. Your confidence and directness helps them feel the same way in your presence.
4. Use the "I am an adult" mantra: you have to soothe your inner child to break this habit.
Write this down and say it to yourself regularly: "I am free from getting in trouble, and no longer need to beg to be understood or validated.
Write this down and say it to yourself regularly: "I am free from getting in trouble, and no longer need to beg to be understood or validated.
5. Use the formula: Gratitude + "NO" + appreciation.
This looks like: "Thanks for thinking of me, I can't make it next Saturday because of family stuff. I know it's going to be a good time for everyone."
Use this each time and notice how calm you feel.
This looks like: "Thanks for thinking of me, I can't make it next Saturday because of family stuff. I know it's going to be a good time for everyone."
Use this each time and notice how calm you feel.
Bookmark this and practice, it'll help your confidence skyrocket.
Do you over-explain and why? Share in the comments...
Do you over-explain and why? Share in the comments...
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