Some men grow up having to be a companion to their mother.
They're seen as "mama's boys" but something deeper is going on...
They're seen as "mama's boys" but something deeper is going on...
This is called enmeshment.
Mother son enmeshment is when a son fills the role for his mother that a partner would fill. This begins because the mother is in an emotionally neglectful relationship or feels isolated and alone.
Mother son enmeshment is when a son fills the role for his mother that a partner would fill. This begins because the mother is in an emotionally neglectful relationship or feels isolated and alone.
Her son becomes the person to meet her needs.
She tells him everything and over-relies on him, so he grows up without developing autonomy.
He lacks the ability to understand his own emotions, desires, and opinions.
She tells him everything and over-relies on him, so he grows up without developing autonomy.
He lacks the ability to understand his own emotions, desires, and opinions.
The dynamic also creates a situation where the son grows up being enabled and coddled. A healthy mother wants her son to develop life skills, independence, and a relationship with a life partner.
An enmeshed mother fears abandonment from her son. She subconsciously creates situations where she over-functions for him.
If he meets a partner, his mother feels threatened rather than happy that her son has built a bond with another person.
If he meets a partner, his mother feels threatened rather than happy that her son has built a bond with another person.
He will expect his partner to function as his mother did. This means doing things for him that he could do for himself, not speaking up when there are issues, and constantly praising him.
He grew up with a woman who:
- handles all of his appointments and the chores he could do himself
- regularly spoke on his behalf
- was overly involved in all of his relationships
- expects to be consulted with on all decisions
- didn't give him privacy
- handles all of his appointments and the chores he could do himself
- regularly spoke on his behalf
- was overly involved in all of his relationships
- expects to be consulted with on all decisions
- didn't give him privacy
Mother son enmeshment can feel confusing because on the surface, the relationship looks close.
But, there are deeper issues.
The son struggles with romantic partners who feel like they're in competition with his mother.
But, there are deeper issues.
The son struggles with romantic partners who feel like they're in competition with his mother.
He also develops conflicted feelings about women.
Because his first relationship with a woman left him feeling helpless, dependent, and taught him entitlement-- he has repressed rage.
Because his first relationship with a woman left him feeling helpless, dependent, and taught him entitlement-- he has repressed rage.
This rage will be projected onto his partner when she:
- expects tasks to be complete
- attempts to hold him accountable or points out flaws
- wants boundaries and space with his mother
- wants him to make his own decisions
- seeks emotional connection
- expects tasks to be complete
- attempts to hold him accountable or points out flaws
- wants boundaries and space with his mother
- wants him to make his own decisions
- seeks emotional connection
The enmeshed son can heal when he realizes that he was forced to fill a role that was never his to fill.
He heals when he sets boundaries, prioritizes his partner, and does the inner work to hold himself accountable for the first time in his adult life.
He heals when he sets boundaries, prioritizes his partner, and does the inner work to hold himself accountable for the first time in his adult life.
Have you experienced this dynamic?
Share in the comments...
Share in the comments...
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