Thread by @dsmart

{thread} Back in the day we had Usenet, dev .plan files, places like Compuserve, AOL, Delphi, CIX/BIX etc. These were places you go to find fluffy breasted nerds in their natural habitat. They were also the only places where you could find anything meaningful about technology.

It was the time when seeing a console window was enough to induce an epileptic shock, long enough to discourage you from typing anything into that Black ominous screen.

It was a time when we would argue about DOS vs MS-DOS, OS/2 (I worked on that btw) vs Windows, Bill Gates vs your mom's last boyfriend, and the merits of a floppy vs Iomega Zip drive.

It was a time of much hilarity and nerd dominance.

Gaming was as pervasive as it was the domain of the most avid nerds.

As the years went by, and the likes of 3DFX, Adlib, Quarterdeck, Zortech etc started catering to gaming, most of us found new ways to cultivate previously underdeveloped brain cells.

Eventually, regular people became "experts" overnight, through the power of copy and paste.

I remember wreaking havoc with .bat files containing commands to get a game to run within EMM386 address space.

autoexec.bat and config.sys entries were the voodoo language of nerd love (no, we totally weren't getting laid either. so there's was that), only bested by the power to read assembly language to see where in memory your fucking executable game was parked.

You could learn a lot from .plan files if you were into that sort of thing. In fact, to this day, you can go to @bluesnewsdotcom (our favorite waterhole which to this day, defying all odds, is still around) and see (left side, scroll down) some of those files we used as tomes.

As tech progressed and civilization evolved from the dark days of tech, we ended up with the likes of the Windows operating system.

Compared to the likes of Linux (and any variation), it's complete and utter shit.

But it's what we have.

Over the years, as people came and went, the underlying architecture (I would know, I'm a systems level developer/engineer) is as old as it was 20 yrs ago.

Those clowns over at Redmond, having discovered the Holy Grail that was Windows 2000, took one look at the code based and basically went:

"Fuck it. We're going to keep all this legacy shit. And add more shit on top of it. Done!"

Oh, and that was AFTER they spent many years advocating for a "radical change to the underlying architecture" once Windows 10 came around.

Then some people got fired or left.

And the poor saps left behind, just went along with it anyway. Because we all have mortgages to pay.

Windows 10 is an absolute abomination because they took a lot of new and BAD ideas, layered them on top of preexisting and already horrid legacy ideas and code.

Then they all fucked off and went on vacation.

Meanwhile, over at the Linux consortium where they spend more time on a collective circle jerk, even as they spent DECADES threatening to make Linux desktop a thing, they too gave up because when left to their own devices, nerds in a fucking cult are their own worst enemy.

Linux, by its very existence, is an absolutely superior OS which has an initial design architecture that's akin to the laws of Physics. You can't or don't need to change it, because it just fucking works. But if you want to change it, you learn how to fly by defying those laws.

There is a reason that most of us who have more than a passing knowledge of working with and developing products for Linux, will never - ever - touch it with the longest barge pole. Life's too short, and who needs that shit?

Instead, as we run our servers and third-party middleware developed by others who have more time to focus on its strengths and applications, we remain resigned to the idea that it's someone else's problem.

As a result, you couldn't get your mom's best friend to ever use Linux as an OS, not even if it was just to play Peggles.

Aside from going to through hoops just to install the damn thing.

So Windows it is.

And we're stuck with it because we're too far gone for any corp or team to even consider an alternate OS.

If ain't broke, you're fine, just break it some more while you're at it. What are they gonna do? Switch to Linux? Fucking lol!

Which brings me to the reason for my rant.

The brain trust over at Microsoft, have unleashed the latest torture trope that is Windows 10 Build 1803.

It's an absolute mess.

In what has to be their most astounding feat yet, they managed to not only break more things than they fixed, they somehow managed to break stuff they fixed MONTHS ago.

I'm not even joking.

Whoever is doing code review (hold still while I lol) over at that team, is probably into anime too. It makes perfect sense if you ask me.

Seriously, it's mind boggling to me that they signed off on this bs.

These past days, I finally got to put my @MacriumReflect licenses to good use, as I revel in the astonishing fact that I really having lost the rest of my marbles when I come to the conclusion that 1803 is shit because a bunch of people are assholes who don't care.

I'm a nerd. Lost productivity makes me very upset. In between compile and build down time (because Windows + Visual Studio = nerd rage), I don't watch anime, eat Pineapple on pizza, or watch porn. No, I read. And fiddle. And break things. Then fix things.

So it was that a friend of mine who owns a small business, frantically reached out to me because 1803 got installed on his machines.

Then all of a sudden he lost access to a server which I can only assume hosted his cat videos.

That's how mad he was.

And he actually called. I mean, who does that?

What happened to text messaging?

This is why we can't have nice things. I don't even know my own mobile phone number any more.

Anyway, I digress.

So after much back and forth on the phone, during which 1803 roll back FAILED and bricked his machine, I decided to get to the bottom of it.

I did the scariest thing.

I went outside, got in my car, and drove over there.

I brought garlic and a crucifix.

Which brings me to your latest, and most prevalent 1803 nightmare if you have a Windows network.

Windows error code:

0X80070035

After explaining to him why the Windows OS roll back (aka System Restore) is pure bs that instills the same false sense of security as that one hot girl in college who totally promised you a date, he was near tears because at that moment in time, he knew he was stuck with 1803.

Right now, you can Google that error code and find literally HUNDREDS of posts about it, NONE of which will EVER resolve the issue. Why? Because most of the "know-it-alls" on the Internet these days, are either 1) morons 2) trying to sell you some shit you don't need

So there I was, staring at two of his machines made worse by the fact that he followed a Google link to an "expert" (who probably doesn't know what a .plan file is) who told him to buy....Reimage.

I wish I was joking.

So, enough with the nerd rage.

If you are one of those people with this specific 1803 error, here is how I fixed it. Yes, you will find versions of this all over the Internet, but NONE of them will work without these EXACT steps.

Lets go...

I am going to give you two variations of this depending on the situation. As always, you follow these at your own risk. So if your PC bursts out in flames - as I am almost certain that it will - you're on your own.

CASE 1:

Your machine is hosed and you can't get to the desktop.

You're not getting around this.

Download the Windows Media Creation Tool and copy to a USB flash drive.

microsoft.com/en-us/software…

Then, follow these instructions on how to do an in-place upgrade.

You're not really "upgrading" in this case, instead, you're re-installing Windows on top of itself, while preserving your data.

tenforums.com/tutorials/1639…

Also, contrary to popular belief, and the ominous undertones of doing such an upgrade, it does NOT affect ANY programs or ANY program settings in the registry.

When you are done, you will be back at your desktop.

And Windows 10 error code 0X80070035 will still be a thing.

Disregard that for now. We're going to fix that.

One of the most blatant issues of ignorance that MS did several Windows versions ago, was they didn't even bother to add something like this in the revision notes:

"FYI, we're going to fuck your network. Here's why. Have a nice day"

Instead, you will find MS reps falling over themselves trying to explain that this particular error (along with 2 similar ones I decided not to mention so as not to obfuscate things) was because of this:

support.microsoft.com/en-us/help/403…

Yes, it's pure bs. That's a DIFFERENT issue.

Lack of SMB1, which the Computer Browser relies on to broadcast clients on the network, bears NO relation to either of these services (which require RPC and DCOM)

Function Discovery Resource Publication

Function Discovery Provider Host

Enabling them will NOT fix the problem.

Did I forget to mention that in 1803 they also removed the much maligned Home Group networking.

Yeah, I probably should have written a blog. Oh well, moving along...

So, the issue is that with SMB1 gone, if you have clients (e.g. a NAS) on the network they simply won't show up when you run the Network applet or open Explorer.

Your printer, NAS, IOT sex toy, blow dryer or anything using it, will just disappear.

Another segue: No, it's got nothing to do with your firewall. Ignore any/all people who try to tell you this.

So, after coming to the conclusion that SMB1 is gone, even if you can see your Windows computers on the network, clicking on them still gives the error because the registry entries for both the Computer Browser and LANmanserver settings - are hosed.

Those are found at these two locations. Don't mess with them. This is an FYI only thing for the nerds among you.

HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\LanmanServer

HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\Browser

At this point, segues and explanations aside, you have

- restored Windows to 1803

- discovered that your network is still hosed

- still mad

Go to Network & Internet settings, and reset the network settings. It's the last option on the page.

Reboot.

Go get some garlic from the fridge.

If you were using DHCP to obtain the IP address for your computers, then you have nothing to worry about.

If you DO use static IP addresses, like you know, real men who live on the edge where common sense meets the darkness that is ignorance, then you have to restore them.

In both cases, the default NETBIOS setting in the IPV4 tab of the adapter should be left at the default. Don't even listen to those guys who claim that enabling it makes a difference. They didn't bother to READ what the default setting says and does. Seriously.

Go to services and make sure all of these are set to automatic.

If not, set them as such, then restart them. No need to reboot. Don't waste your time on that.

Function Discovery Provider Host

Function Discovery Resource Publication

TCP/IP NetBIOS Helper

UPnP Device Host

While this should be obvious, I want to point them out.

In the advanced network sharing tab, make sure:

PRIVATE NETWORKS:

network discovery & file sharing are ON

ALL NETWORKS

File sharing is 128-bit & password protected sharing is ON (ignore those guys, LEAVE IT ALONE!)

At this point, if you go to the Network applet and click on a computer on the network - assuming you followed ALL these steps (I will repeat them in sequence at thread end) - it still won't work.

LOL!! Yeah, I know.

The reason for this is that, there is a bug in the past few versions of Windows whereby unless the target has a shared resource, the workstation will NOT load.

Yeah, I know. Here's the thing: the Windows devs know this has been broken for MONTHS because some of us REPORTED it.

And this got worse when they removed Home Group networking.

What you need to do is select a drive on ALL of the network machines, and share them.

You're about to start shouting because the next bs is about to unwind in real time.

If you happen to be using a Windows ID (different from a local account) to login to your computers, chances are, it does NOT have admin rights. So even if you share resources across the network, you will still have minimal access to that machines folders.

LOL!! Yeah, I know.

So, BEFORE you share anything.

Run (WIN+R) this command on all the machines:

control userpasswords2

Then lol if you notice that your Windows ID account is a pleb - on a machine you THOUGHT you had full admin rights on.

Welcome to Windows.

Anyway, now that you've checked the rights on your account, and set to admin, go ahead and share the resources (at least one drive) on the machines. Make sure that you give your user account ALL access to the share.

But...

Be aware that if you type in the email address of the Windows ID (if that's what you use), it probably won't find it.

That appears to be broken too.

Instead, in the ADVANCED sharing option, select FIND NOW and then troll through the list, find and select your user account.

It's pretty convoluted, but steps are:

Sharing->Advanced Sharing->Permissions->Add->Advanced->Find Now

Having done that, and with your user account having the SAME credentials and privileges across the machines you WANT access to in the network, you should now be able to access them.

But remember, SMB1 is still disabled. So no broadcasting of legacy clients.

We'll get to that.

Segue: If you run (WIN+X) then opened a CMD console, and type: new view, you will get an error.

Yes, they broke that too.

But you don't need it. This was just an FYI.

Let's get to SMB1.

First, it has a massive security hole. But instead of fixing, the powers that be decided they would just deprecate it, thus rendering MILLIONS of legacy devices useless across a network.

I shit you not. That was the answer to the problem.

The latest versions of Windows completely deprecated it because Microsoft decided that you should get your device maker to implement support for SMB2 or SMB3 - which Windows supports.

Yeah, I know.

But, it's still in the Windows distribution files.

If like my friend you have legacy QNAP and Synology NAS devices which ONLY have support for SMB1, you're hosed.

So you have to go to control panel-> add/remove programs->windows features, then install SMB1 support.

Reboot.

After you do this, Computer Browser will automagically appear in the Network applet, but chances are that some machines still won't see others. Why? Because the entire Windows network stack is pure shit.

So here is what you do if you have a NAS (they all have browsers built-in).

On the Windows machines, go to this registry location and change the MaintainServerList key value to Auto

HKLM\CurrentControlSet\Services\Browser\Parameters

Reboot.

In the UI for the NAS, find the place where it configures "Local Master Browser" and turn it on.

In legacy Synology CS407 which my friend has, and which ONLY supports SMB1, it's in Control Panel->Win/Mac/NFS page

No need to reboot. That's the beauty of an OS that's not Windows

In newer devices like the Synology DS411 - which he also has - and which support SMB1/2/3, it's in Control Panel->File Services->Advanced settings

NOTE: Some NAS now allow you to set the minimum SMB level which they support. So you can disable SMB1 if you want.

Having done all that. Shutdown all of the Windows computers on the network, and reboot them one by one.

Now if you go to Network applet, lo and behold, All your devices, including legacy SMB1 clients, will appear.

As long as its online, the NAS is your network client browser

If you find that you still can't access your NAS from a Windows machine, do this:

Control Panel->User Accounts->Manage Your Credentials->Windows Credentials

There you can add the credentials for your NAS so you can access them automatically, and have access to its shares

And if you read anything that tells you to use NFS to access your NAS because Windows deprecated SMB1, ignore it.

At best, NDS on Windows is hilariously minimal.

Not even joking.

docs.microsoft.com/en-us/windows-…

If you DO decide to use NFS, because what's the point of listening to some crazy nerd on the Internet, note that Windows will NOT automatically dismount a share.

And they don't even tell you that in their own docs. Nor show you how to do it.

Use the undocumented umount command

e.g. the share below, with a username and drive letter...

mount -u:nerdbro \\CS407\volume1\anime X:

can be dismounted using

umount -f -a

All kidding aside, don't use NFS on Windows. It's just not worth the aggro - even if you think you know what you're doing. There's a reason that NAS devices now supports windows file system.

Anyway, the end of the road.

You know SMB1 is bad.

So MS took it away, while breaking a slew of networking components.

But since you're NEVER going to get your device manufacturer (who just wants to sell you a new unit) to support SMB2/3, you have to make a decision.

Let's recap...

- SMB1 is gone. All your network devices are now orphans

- You can enable SMB1 at your own risk

- It won't fix error 0X80070035 because the issue has NOTHING to do with SMB1

- reset your network adapter settings

- check your user account permissions

- use DHCP if you have it. Don't use a static IP just because some bro on the Internet says it cures Ebola

- create a least one share on all the machines, using your admin account credentials

- check that your WindowsID account does in fact have admin rights (UAC is still bs)

- make sure that ALL these services are set to automatic start:

* Computer Browser (will ONLY appear if you enabled SMB1)

* Function Discovery Provider Host

* Function Discovery Resource Publication

* TCP/IP NetBIOS Helper

* UPnP Device Host

If you hosed your machine trying to roll back 1803, don't panic.

Calms your nerves with a stiff drink, throw in a joint if you're into that sort of thing, and do an in-place upgrade (that's a misnomer)

tenforums.com/tutorials/1639…

Then, discover the alchemy that is @MacriumReflect and use it.

It's cheap.

It can do files/folder backups, as well as imaging. Both full, differential, and incremental

It just works.

I've used it since before I grew hairs in places I didn't know hair could grow.

It's basically set it and forget it. If you stick with their grandfather/father/son schedule, you will never think about, or use, windows restore again.

knowledgebase.macrium.com

Oh, and you can in-place convert a windows backup to a VXD and load it with VirtualBox.

You can also access ANY image by mapping it as a drive.

I'm telling you, it's alchemy.

And the tech support is amazing.

This past weekend, after I had already fixed my 1803 woes before my friend called me and made me go out into fresh air, I hosed my machine trying to fix another 1803 issue.

I used the Macrium incremental backup from 3am the morning prior, to restore the machine. All of 10 mins.

Oh!! And that was AFTER I had tried Windows restore because it has automatically done one just after an AMD driver install.

20 mins later, 1803 told me that restore failed because it couldn't access a file.

I ran chkdsk. No errors.

I ran sfc /scannow. No errors

I ran dism.exe /online /cleanup-image /restorehealth no errors.

So Macrium it was. And it didn't fail.

In case you were wondering what the other 1803 issue was, you've probably experienced it.

1803 hosed the Registered Applications entry.

So if you go to Apps/Default Apps/Set Defaults By App, Windows that applet will crash.

It's got nothing to do with a particular app.

This key hosed some entries.

HKLM\SOFTWARE\RegisteredApplications

And you will NEVER find out which program is failing, unless you

- remove one
- reboot
- repeat

So I hosed the whole thing. It was the only way to be sure.

After the Macrium restore, I wrote a Powershell script which would remove a key, reboot, repeat, and piped the results to a file.

I checked each one to see which looked suspicious.

I spotted 3 of them, fixed them manually.

One less 1803 problem.

This concludes my "It's my day off, and I'm not doing a damn thing today" session.

For more 1803 anecdotes and exhibitions of aggro, go to the URL below. Those guys are doing God's work - even if they're just turning some hapless people to lepers.

windowscentral.com/windows-10-apr…

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