Most ppl don’t realise the most unhealthy relationships are the ones you’ll struggle to let go of the most. The healthy ones aren’t as hard. It seems paradoxical bc you’d think love that’s good for you would be harder to walk away from but the mind doesn’t work like that. Let me explain…You don’t just wake up one day unable to let go. It happens gradually. The more you invest in something, the harder it is to walk away, even when it’s failing you.

There’s 6 stages to letting go, but most ppl get stuck at 1. Where the mind refuses to update its reality. You know you should move on, you tell yourself you have to, but no matter what you do, it’s like your heart didn’t get the memo. You wake up thinking about them, memories hit you out of nowhere, & even when you try to distract yourself, the ache still lingers. It’s frustrating bc you want to let go, but some part of you keeps pulling you back, like your mind’s working against you.

The biggest ick isn’t just someone who lies. It’s someone who lies to themselves. A flip flopper, fantasy addict, emotional con artist. A validation addict & emotionally unavailable love bomber who performs closeness but has no real anchor inside. Let me explain:

https://twitter.com/kizzriee/status/2008148822812479686

It’s the person who will swear up & down that they never loved their ex, that you’re different, that they’re ready, that they feel something deep with you they’ve never felt before… only to run back to the very thing they claimed to be done with the moment you walk away.

There’s 3 stages to No Contact & most ppl don’t realise that the 2nd is where their nervous system rebels. Here’s how to do it;

Step 1: Initiation. The moment you say: “I’m done.”It’s the easiest part bc you’re not detached yet. You’re just determined. Step 2: The withdrawal protest This is where most people collapse. You’re missing the dopamine spikes & oxytocin that came with them. You’re still in that addiction phase & this is the most powerful form of conditioning.

Ppl who say “you won” during discussions aren’t trying to work with you. As it’s already framed as you vs them, the relationship has already lost. Healthy relationships aren’t conflict free, they’re repair rich. It’s not who’s right but what matters enough that it hurts. That changes everything.. You see, when you shift meaning instead of victory, the nervous system softens. Defences drop & connection becomes possible again. Otherwise you keep triggering each other.

A man will reach out to you with no real intention just to waste your time. You won’t even clock it until your emotions are already invested. Bc many ppl were never taught how to check intention without attaching your worth to it. Here’s how you do it. Your why is the foundation. Why do you want connection? Is it to feel seen? To be chosen? To escape loneliness? Or is it to genuinely build love & partnership? If you don’t know your why, anyone with a charming smile can reroute your whole life.

I respect ppl who’ve mastered detachment bc they’ve accepted something most ppl spend their whole lives resisting: you don’t get to keep anything here. Not the person, job or even the version of yourself you’re clinging to. Let me explain… The trap is thinking you have to do it when something bad happens.
It should be your entire posture of living. Bc you’ll be ok regardless. We’re all terrified of loss to some degree but it’s the only guarantee. Detachment is making peace with this truth.

No one teaches you how to admit you might be addicted to the hope of someone. Nor how to stop being loyal to someone who isn’t emotionally equipped to receive what you’re offering. Some part of you knows that. Let me explain… A lot of ppl are afraid that if they stop hoping, somehow they’ve failed. You haven’t. Sometimes chemistry doesn’t equal compatibility. At some point, you’ve got to stop clinging to the potential of what this could be, & look at the reality of what it is.

Nobody talks about the guy who shows up during your healing stage. The one who’s calm, patient, & genuinely kind. He makes you feel safe in ways you didn’t even realise you needed. He’s not love bombing or playing games,he’s consistent, steady, & truly sees you. It’ll scare you. Esp after dealing with the ‘fake nice guys’ the manipulators, the gaslighters, the ones who wore kindness like a mask, it’s almost unsettling to meet someone who’s exactly who they say they are.

How to survive dating with an anxious attachment style (aka how to stop bleeding out for the bare minimum and reclaim your nervous system in the age of breadcrumb love); 1. Stop begging for safety & start creating it within.
The reason you spiral isn’t just bc they didn’t text, it’s bc your nervous system never learned how to feel safe in stillness. Regulate before you ruminate.

If you want to see the depth of someone’s emotional intelligence, confront them on something they did. Gently, with love. Not from a place of blame, but from a desire to be understood and met. Then watch what they do. How they respond will tell you everything. Let me explain… They’ll either shut down or shut you out or disappear all together. Bc see, that’s the moment where the performance ends. Bc most ppl haven’t actually built the capacity to be seen when they’re in the wrong.

Wanting someone at war with themselves will never bring peace to you. There’s a dangerousness in desiring a person who’s inconsistent with themselves bc their flakiness isn’t about you. Let me explain… It’s a symptom of inner fragmentation & when you try to build safety with someone who isn’t safe within you end up feeling the earthquake of their unhealed parts.

Nonchalant - “I’m good on my own” meets Crybaby - “why haven’t you text back yet”. It’s not about “fixing your partner,” it’s about calming your own nervous system first. If you can’t soothe your trigger, your partner will always feel like the enemy. Let me explain… It’s two ppl trying to love each other while secretly battling ghosts from childhood.

She’s not “needy.” She’s terrified of being left alone with her pain again.
He’s not “cold.” He’s terrified of being swallowed, used up, & losing himself again.

The hardest ppl to be with aren’t the “toxic ones” everybody talks about. It’s the half healed. The ones who come in the language of “healing” convinced they’re ready when they’re not. They talk like they’ve faced their demons, but they’ve only rearranged them. Let me explain… They’ve collected the vocab of growth, trauma, boundaries, self awareness, attachment but not the embodiment. Half healing is often more destructive than no healing at all. Bc when someone knows they’re unhealed, you see the wound.

The deepest proof of care is when a person lets you disturb their patterns, that’s when you’ll know they’re invested in you. See, ppl confuse effort with investment. Effort is flowers, dinners, late night calls. Cute, yes. But effort doesn’t always cost someone anything real. Investment disrupts patterns which costs them their identity. Which demands a person shifts their story to weave you into what was once only theirs. Most ppl don’t want to admit how terrifying that is. To invest in someone means admitting they now have power over your narrative.

A lot of ppl don’t realise this: when you’re dating, you’re not just choosing a partner. You’re choosing someone who’ll either co-create peace with you or someone you’ll have to emotionally babysit. That’s why chemistry isn’t enough. Bc trauma has chemistry too. That’s why ppl keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships. Diff faces, same spirits. You’re choosing someone who will affect how you see yourself… and not always in obvious ways.

Maturity is realising that you should be walking away even from the minor violations. Boundaries shouldn’t just come from major things. Remove yourself even when the disrespect is subtle. This rewires both you and the other person through consequence. Let me explain… It’s the accumulation of “small, it’s not that deep stuff” that erodes you. Ppl think walking away from minor violations feels harsh bc we’ve been conditioned to equate patience with love. But tolerance of small disrespect doesn’t create harmony just entitlement.

If you want to know who someone is… don’t get fooled by how much they like you. Interest is not a moral compass. A man can be mesmerised by your beauty and still dishonour you. He can chase you with obsession and still disappear when you need him most. Here’s how to discern… Most ppl get it wrong bc they look at how a man feels instead of how he governs himself. The only thing that reveals character is commitment. Bc commitment is not a reaction, it’s a regulation. It’s about what they’re willing to prioritise over time.

There’s ppl in long term relationships with someone they should’ve walked away from year 1. Add kids, mortgage & routines to the mix to look like love on paper. Ppl stay bc they see & still hope. Almost is the most dangerous addiction while the reality drains the life out of you. The signs were probably already there. The way your needs felt “too much.” The arguments that circled the same wound but never brought actual resolution. You can spend a decade proving your loyalty to the wrong person & still never touch the depth of intimacy you crave.

How to use the Law of Detachment during no contact (without spiralling). A thread: Practising detachment doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you step back and put space between you & the situation and actually see it clearly.
Instead of clinging into fear, you lean into truth. Instead of reacting out of insecurity, you respond with clarity.

Maturing is realising if you make yourself small the world doesn’t rush to make you big again. So if you want a relationship, prepare yourself not to put someone on a pedestal just bc you’re starving for it. When I see ppl begging for someone… , waiting on crumbs, tolerating mistreatment like it’s the price of love, it really bothers me. Not out of judgment but bc I know what’s happening beneath the surface. It’s not just about them. It’s about you performing for love.