The deepest proof of care is when a person lets you disturb their patterns, that’s when you’ll know they’re invested in you. See, ppl confuse effort with investment. Effort is flowers, dinners, late night calls. Cute, yes. But effort doesn’t always cost someone anything real. Investment disrupts patterns which costs them their identity. Which demands a person shifts their story to weave you into what was once only theirs. Most ppl don’t want to admit how terrifying that is. To invest in someone means admitting they now have power over your narrative.

A lot of ppl don’t realise this: when you’re dating, you’re not just choosing a partner. You’re choosing someone who’ll either co-create peace with you or someone you’ll have to emotionally babysit. That’s why chemistry isn’t enough. Bc trauma has chemistry too. That’s why ppl keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships. Diff faces, same spirits. You’re choosing someone who will affect how you see yourself… and not always in obvious ways.

Maturity is realising that you should be walking away even from the minor violations. Boundaries shouldn’t just come from major things. Remove yourself even when the disrespect is subtle. This rewires both you and the other person through consequence. Let me explain… It’s the accumulation of “small, it’s not that deep stuff” that erodes you. Ppl think walking away from minor violations feels harsh bc we’ve been conditioned to equate patience with love. But tolerance of small disrespect doesn’t create harmony just entitlement.

If you want to know who someone is… don’t get fooled by how much they like you. Interest is not a moral compass. A man can be mesmerised by your beauty and still dishonour you. He can chase you with obsession and still disappear when you need him most. Here’s how to discern… Most ppl get it wrong bc they look at how a man feels instead of how he governs himself. The only thing that reveals character is commitment. Bc commitment is not a reaction, it’s a regulation. It’s about what they’re willing to prioritise over time.

There’s ppl in long term relationships with someone they should’ve walked away from year 1. Add kids, mortgage & routines to the mix to look like love on paper. Ppl stay bc they see & still hope. Almost is the most dangerous addiction while the reality drains the life out of you. The signs were probably already there. The way your needs felt “too much.” The arguments that circled the same wound but never brought actual resolution. You can spend a decade proving your loyalty to the wrong person & still never touch the depth of intimacy you crave.

Maturing is realising if you make yourself small the world doesn’t rush to make you big again. So if you want a relationship, prepare yourself not to put someone on a pedestal just bc you’re starving for it. When I see ppl begging for someone… , waiting on crumbs, tolerating mistreatment like it’s the price of love, it really bothers me. Not out of judgment but bc I know what’s happening beneath the surface. It’s not just about them. It’s about you performing for love.

Saw a post that said “A situationship is when they don’t like you enough to commit & you don’t like yourself enough to leave.” Fr! It’s also “I kept trying to become the kind of person who doesn’t need much… so I wouldn’t lose what little I had”. Let me explain… Bc no one tells you that being the ‘emotionally available one’ can still be a trauma response esp with avoidants.

When someone won’t choose you, they force you to choose yourself. And sometimes you’d rather disappear than do that. And if we’re really honest…

Pay attention to the ones who start offering emotional receipts before you’ve even asked a single question. They rush to tell you what they’re not, to buy your benefit of the doubt early. The subtle art of managing your perception before you’ve had the chance to form your own. Some ppl want to fast track you trust so they present curated pain. Just enough accountability to seem self aware, but never enough to unravel the pattern. Someone who is truly at peace with who they are doesn’t need to give a closing statement before the trial has even begun.

Sounds cute in theory BUT you know love isn’t always enough. A lot of this depends on your trauma patterns, your partner’s regulation, the level of emotional maturity & whether both of you can handle the disruption that ‘working on yourself’ brings.
Let me explain…

https://twitter.com/wavymafia/status/1952422188243661266

Love doesn’t always survive transformation bc sometimes that one that one who loves you is the one that’s triggered you to even work on yourself. Ppl love you when you need them. So yes sometimes you do have to leave.

Most ppl don’t struggle with no contact bc they miss the other person. They struggle bc going no contact forces them to face who they became in the relationship. If you’re going to do it right, do it like this. Let me explain… Firstly this isn’t about self control, it’s not about blocking them. What you’re going to do is disentangle your identity from the connection.

Maturing is realising that no one will ever talk you out of a person. You have to feel your way out. The mind will rationalise, the heart will hope, but the soul leaves first. Long before you pack your bags, long before you say “I’m done”. Let me explain… The detachment begins when the apologies stop soothing you & the patterns stop surprising you. That’s when you know you’re at the end not bc you planned to be, but bc the version of you who tolerated it simply doesn’t exist anymore.

I learned to let go when I realised that an avoidant’s shutdown wasn’t just act of detachment, it was an internal war between their desire & self preservation. Fear is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s fear of losing their selfhood in love. When an avoidant feels themselves getting too close, their body mirrors the threat of danger. Bc their body perceives emotional closeness as a physical threat.

One of my fave quotes: “Just keep living. If you live long enough, it’ll all make sense.” Bc life doesn’t hand you understanding when you demand it. It hands you confusion. Then time. Then patterns. Then contrast. Then more time. Then if you’re willing, clarity. Let me explain… My take from this is.. stay long enough in the story & life will hand you the missing pages. Sometimes torn, stained or beautiful. But you’ll finally see the thread. Bc some ppl do come back.

No one teaches you how to admit you might be addicted to the hope of someone. Nor how to stop being loyal to someone who isn’t emotionally equipped to receive what you’re offering. Some part of you knows that. Let me explain…. A lot of ppl are afraid that if they stop hoping, somehow they’ve failed. You haven’t. Sometimes chemistry doesn’t equal compatibility. At some point, you’ve got to stop clinging to the potential of what this could be, & look at the reality of what it is.

You’ll never heal if you keep romanticising the person who hurt you. Bc ppl don’t change just bc they find someone new. They continue to do what they’ve always done until someone asks for more. That avoidant ex you couldn’t get close to, is still avoidant. Let me explain. Until the newness fades and their avoidance is activated again. Even if it looks like they’re more open with the new person. Even if it looks like they suddenly know how to communicate. It’s not real change. It’s the honeymoon phase. And you went through it too.

Saw a post that said “A man will build the illusion of forever to enjoy the convenience of now.” You see, you become obsessed with clarity whilst trying to reconcile 2 conflicting truths. He made you feel chosen & now he’s making you feel delusional for believing it. And that’s the trap. You’re not grieving a man just your own ability to believe yourself. And then the shame kicks in bc deep down you knew. You saw the subtle signs but ignored it. Bc that early version of him, the one who saw you, chased you, felt like hope.

I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this: Healing isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about becoming better at feeling. The podcasts, gym, your routine isn’t the only work you’ve got to do. Learn how to regulate when you want to get harsh. Let me explain. Learn how to stay in the moment when everything in you wants to flee or shut down. Bc the ego will have you thinking you’re evolving just bc you’re alone. Learn to repair as intimacy requires it. The other things help, yes.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but date someone who actually follows through. Bc we live in a world obsessed with beginnings. There’s a diff between someone who promises with emotion & someone who shows up in practice. Many of us confuse effort with energy. Let me explain.. Date ppl who want to sustain something bc it requires more than chemistry. More than timing.
It asks for self awareness. Emotional regulation. Inner work. There’s a diff between someone who wants access to you & someone who’s ready to be shaped with you.

If you’re someone who craves emotional depth… you’re actually more prone to attracting people who fear it. Those who love deeply often attract those who avoid deeply. Let me explain So when you come in soft, expressive, and emotionally fluent, it confuses them. Their body says: I want this. Their trauma says: Run.

It’s not urgency you should be measuring. It’s clarity. See, it’s not about how quickly he moves… it’s about how certain he is while he moves. Let me explain..

https://twitter.com/tutututuulip/status/1942826802726199696

A man can look consistent & still be emotionally ambivalent.
He can check in. Make plans. Say all the “right” things.
And yet if you listen closely, you’ll feel the gap. between his words & his willingness. The softness in his tone but the hardness in his follow through.

Once you learn identity manipulation, you can’t unsee it. It’s someone locating a part of themselves they can’t stand & projecting it into you. If they’re deceptive, they’ll accuse you of lying. If they’re avoidant, they’ll say you’re the one running. It’s deeper than gaslighting For example some ppl won’t just emotionally gaslight you…
They’ll rewrite your story in front of you.
All bc you dared to name the wound they created & how they treated you. Then they’ll tell you that you’re dramatic, confrontational, negative