recently i went to the doctor and explained that the medicine to regulate my heart rate is just not doing what it should and i’m miserable.

i asked to try a new med, rather than increase the dosage bc we’d already increased 4 times and it wasn’t touching the issue. she said that she wanted to try increasing it one more time bc the next medicine she’d have me try is black boxed for pregnancy.

i asked if we could try it anyways since im single and not even having sex so pregnancy isn’t even a risk factor right now

today i went and cleaned out my personal effects from my car and handed in the keys.

it has officially been repossessed.

and while i have struggled my fair share with car payments. this car was paid off in 2021. but i missed something. and i want to talk about it. i bought this car in 2019. i LOVED it. the first car i’ve ever owned. So proud of the negotiations and research i did.

and while living in poverty and abuse i still managed to pay it off.

so why did it end up getting repo’d out of my driveway this week?

the payoff quote.

this was the picture on my dating app. when i matched with a youth pastor from richmond.

i had butterflies. everything felt so promising.

until i didn’t. until he wasn’t.

this was the picture that was pulled up in the photo he sent me. the photo of him…finishing… i was horrified. the photo was sent with an alarming message attached. about how he wasn’t sure he’d be able to control himself when he saw me. because of what i did to him.

as if i would be flattered by that. as if it would make me as excited as he seemed.

let me be so very, absolutely clear here:

men do NOT get to speak on, speculate, or have opinions of women in abusive homes. you sit down. you listen. you learn.

your words are worthless. you don’t know what we’ve survived. or what we had to do to be free of it. it is not a choice we make until it backfires. it is not about any proximity to power.

we trusted someone. to be kind. and decent. and loving to us. and they weren’t. that is the WHOLE story.

they dominated and gained control. and took away our voices and ability to flee.

CW: SA/Gyn Exams

Due to the structure of an AFAB anatomy, there are times when we need to be medically examined that outlines specific trauma experiences.

the positioning. the lack of enjoyment. the feeling of a foreign and unwelcome object penetrating you. it’s one of the reasons why i believe so deeply that the medical field as a whole needs to be educated more comprehensively on trauma informed care.

because your body remembers. and even though it’s different in that you are mostly consenting this time. it’s a safe environment.

i’ve never had an abortion but my access to healthcare has changed because Roe was overturned.

I have #Lupus which is an inflammatory autoimmune disease that causes my immune system to attack my organs, joints, skin, and muscles.

i take #Methotrexate as one of my treatments i received an email from my rheumatologist today that they are stopping all refills of methotrexate because it is considered an abortifacient.

Methotrexate is a form of chemotherapy. But in reduced quantities it can be taken long term to help with many autoimmune diseases.