I will be leaving Twitter when the UK leaves the EU. It’s been fun. Well, not fun. It’s been something. Between then & now an occasional thread of some things that I look back on with fondness, starting with a kind of beginner’s guide (send requests if you remember any tweets):
The curses of the Border fall upon you, Brexit, and may those eat at your innards like the Very Hungry Caterpillar consumes all that stuff in the wee kiddies book, like the Border itself ingests ice cream and so on and so on .... here’s the curses thread
- You can stick your bridge up your ah Jim, still here?
- Yes, but I'm Leaving on 31st October, do or don't
- Die, Jim
- That's a bit harsh. I know you're a Remoaner Border, but there's no need to be abusive
- No, it's do or die, Jim, not do or don't
- You're trying to confuse me
- I’m having a big goodbye party on 31st October, Border
- A Leaving Don’t?
- You’re very annoying
- Sorry, Jim
- Did you read my proposal, Border?
- Yes, Jim
- And you’ve rejected it. That’s it. I’m Leaving!
- What does this bit mean?
- And I don’t understand this paragraph
- What are you doing?
- Asking you questions
- You’re meant to reject it
- What about this page?
Where things are at based on chats:
Jean says Boris Johnson is a big hairy eejit and you wouldn’t trust him to hang out the washing. He’s as useful as a donkey and “if he was mine I’d fairly skelp his arse”
Regarding the cabinet, legal sources tell me they’re like a load of angry traffic wardens aren’t they, and Jesus though imagine if you got locked into the Railway Bar with them you’d drink yourself stocious except for you’d wake up with your throat cut and your wallet missing
- It’s entirely possible
- It’s really not, Barry
- There’s a technological solution
- A wee penguin plane, Barry?
- There are alternative arrangements that will work
- Like turning off gravity? Show me a penguin anywhere in the world that can fly
- You just don’t believe, Joe
- Here’s an alternate arrangement, Barry
- You just want to Remain on the ground, Joe. It’s all a tactic to stop me flying. It’s the easiest thing in the world to fly. It’s my destiny to fly. I’m angry now, Joe. I’m going to set up The Flying Party. WATCH ME FLY!
If you went into a computer shop called The Technological Solution with your malfunctioning laptop & Iain Duncan Smith popped up from behind the counter & said “No problem, we’ll fix that” & he handed it to Owen Paterson, you wouldn’t think “These guys really know computers”
- I’ve come to collect my laptop
- What name is it under?
- Irish Border. Or BorderIrish. Or maybe British Border in Ireland
- Ah yes. Owen!
- I’m afraid it couldn’t be fixed, Border. It was a hardydrive softyware thing or something. We’ve replaced it under warranty with this ...
- How am I meant to work out tariffs on that?
- It functioned perfectly well during the war
- The Boer War maybe
- Ok, we’ve just got these in
- Is it WiFi enabled?
- It takes AA batteries or the mains
- Internet, Owen. Does it do the web?
- Dont know. I’ll ring Steve Baker
You’re a heap of shite so big you throw a shade over the Mourne mountains. You’re a moral chasm so empty you echo deeper than the Marble Arch caves. You’ve more faces than a barn of chickens. There aren’t enough blades of grass along my length to number the curses I cast upon you
May your milk curdle, your livestock escape, your ATM always tell you you’ve insufficient funds. May your bubbles always burst just before they separate from the wee stick with the loop on the end of it. May your ice cream only ever be sorbet
I pray fervently that your biros are all chewed at the ends and leak in your pocket, that your tractor is difficult to get the parts for. You're a slabber, a goon, a muckraker, a hallion, an unpicker of seams. You're a get-off-the-bus-without-thanking-the-driver
- Welcome to the A.A. Working Group. Anyone like to speak?
- Hello, I’m Owen, and I’m addicted to Alternative Arrangements. It started with an interest in free trade but when I ended up on tv talking about technology I didn’t understand I knew it was out of control
- Feel the love in the group, Owen. Who’s next?
- I’m Dominic. Alternative Arrangements got so bad for me I forgot about the port of Dover
- [gasps in the room]
- And I couldn’t bring myself to read the Good Friday Agreement
- I haven’t read it either
- Nor me
- Me as well
- Thank you, Dominic. Any else like to share?
- I’m Marcus. I love Alternative Arrangements. Really love them. I want to Alternatively Arrange the whole ****ing country. LEAVE MEANS LEAVE!
- You’re upsetting the group, Marcus
- [everyone] LEAVE MEANS LEAVE!!
- Group, please
[thinking there about why this, and thinking my dad was a melancholy, alcoholic, ordinary man, left school at 13, got an apprenticeship, got unemployed, was troubled by the Troubles, but god he was funny and smart in the midst of his darknesses, so maybe that’s it and that’s all]
- You’re not as funny as me
- Jesus H Christ don’t do that, Dad. You scared me there. How are you?
- Not too bad. It’s a miserable place but the neighbours are quiet
- I see you think you’re the Border
- Well, it’s not that I think ...
- So we’re both speaking from under the ground
- Jesus, Dad, you can’t ...
- Will you cut out the cursing? I’m sick telling you
- It was the Border
- Well tell the Border it’ll get its arse skelped if it swears
Footnote: Some scholars suggest that this tweet references the banner hung on Belfast City Hall after, and in protest against, the Anglo-Irish Agreement in 1985, thus making this tweet a complex trolling of the DUP, who were then protesting against the UK govt
- Yes, but when you said you'd agreed to a Backstop you didn't really mean it
- I thought I did, Mr Fox, but now I'm befuddled by your very sharp teeth & Etonian confidence
- You go back and tell Mr Barnier that there'll be no backstop & I'll eat you later
- No, no, *meet*
- Oh no, oh no, what shall I do? flapped Jemimay, Monsieur Barnier says the Backstop is staying and that the ‘faceless bureaucrats’, who are actually elected to the European Parliament as MEPs, have a veto on the Withdrawal Agreement. Mr Fox will not be happy.
If there is a hard border it will be because of Brexit.
Not because of the EU. Not because Ireland played the game wrong. Because of Brexit. Everyone is and has been trying to avoid a hard border because it was always a possible outcome of Brexit
And don't be @ me with the 'who's going to put it up? Not us nyaa nyaa nyaa' crap. Save it for the playground
- hard border can mean a myriad of things
- it's not a f*cking wall ok so don't even
- work arounds will be found etc
- it's probably not about movement of people but god knows what hell awaits there
- Irish-EU citizen rights in NI 🤷♂️
- it's complicated
Hugh O’Neill: So, a Backstop, Lizzie?
Queen Elizabeth: As heaven is high and hell is low I vouch to thee a backstop
Lizzie: An English pledge is unbreakable as the iron bands that bind our salty barks
Lizzie: Send in Lord Rees-Mogg
Lord Rees-Mogg: Your Highness’s highness is higher than the celestial highness of the very spheres themselves, your ...
Lizzie: Your obsequiousness maketh the bile rise in our royal throat, Rees-Mogg. O’Neill shall have his backstop and you shall have Somerset and all its boars
Rees-Mogg: The boars of Somerset are mine already, my Queen. Thou givest me what already I possess
Lizzie: It was a Renaissance pun. O’Neill told to me say it
Rees-Mogg: Truly Tyrone is a wisecracker