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#ShwastyTwilight is happening right now

Hit play, and gear up

I've taken a precautionary three shots of tequila

... Why am I doing this...

Okay, alright, here we go

TWILIGHT! GO! #ShwastyTwilight

Never heard of Summit Entertainment

This bodes ill

The Ballad of Toasterboii and Gun-Leg VS Dickshot
By ChefShwasty

Come gather 'round friends, listen to this boast,
'bout a girl with a Gun-Leg and a Boii who makes toast,
They went out one day doing their same ol' schtick,
and didn't expect to get shot in the dick So they rallied and railed against the machine,
and the man who almost gave them pubic gangrene
Locked and loaded, they set out for war,
and they trapped that same man coming out his front door

This is what I did last night instead of sleeping, and this is a true story:

'Twas the night before returning to work,
And all through the house,
Only one creature was stirring,
And it was THIS fuckin' louse The talking of anxiety
hung thick in the air,
For fear that Super Chad
Would STILL BE THERE

I just put my foot in my mouth so bad that I'm choking on my own knee

Heard through the grapevine that a friend of a friend is leaving their job to start their own business

So I swing by with coffees to congratulate him on the bold move I say "Hey, heard the news, congrats! It's a big step to leave your job and strike out on your own!"

The place goes dead quiet

He stutters

"Yeah, uh thanks, um... Yeah..."

So he then turns to his employees (he's a manager) to say:

"Sorry, I wanted to say something sooner..."

So after brief reflection, I've come to the conclusion that Drunk-Me™ in my early-20's was #MyOwnWorstEnemy

The following are ways that I used to intentionally sabotage myself for jollies: Drunk-Me™ is #MyOwnWorstEnemy because...

I once invited everyone in a bar back to my place for an "after party." Hour later when I went to leave I wondered why people were following me. Took off running with my friend. We remembered the next day

(Lived withing walking dist)

#ShwastyHalloweenSpecial starts now with the #LiveTweet of #HocusPocus!

I know fuck all about this movie, and honestly didn't even know it existed until people started screaming for it to be in the polls

So... Here we go. Press play... NOW! Queue the french horns or whatever

Two of my coworkers (no, not that one) just found out that they went to the same middle school 20+ years ago

And then they remembered that they made out in middle school, like got to second base kinda deal

I'm savoring every tasty drop of awkwardness this is producing Like, you don't realize how deep this goes

Male coworker is married to another one of the coworker's here's daughter.

So father-in-law just heard this conversation of his son-in-law getting to second with our new secretary.

Just got in a big fight with Annoying Coworker

A thread on what he just spouted to a room full of people:

1. Nobody knew the Earth was round before Columbus, despite it being know as early at 600BC

2. Intelligent Design doesn't require a God, even though it's in the definition 3. The Grand Canyon was formed ONLY by glaciers, which ALLOWED the Colorado river to form

4. Deuteronomy 22:11 "You shall not wear cloth of wool and linen mixed together" doesn't mean the Bible said you can't mix fabrics

Okay

So

It's not really @beck's fault. I mean, he did create the nightmare fuel, but I'm the dumbass that listened to it while asleep because of the nature of how I sleep.

How I Hade a Nightmare About Bears Mauling my Face Because of a Beck Song: a thread I'm good at a few things; I can cook, I'm organized, I'm good at my job, and believe it or not, I used to be a junior-pro bowler to the point of having scholarships

I'm bad at a lot of things; drawing, puzzles, piano

But the thing I suck the most at in life

Is sleeping

Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

(hOLY SHIT THAT'S A LONG LINK)

It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...) Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

Cont'd...

Let's talk about embarrassing my annoying coworker

Thanks to the combined efforts of my heroes, @vipbanaangel and @EinganaDragon, a can of surströmming is on its way (which is salt-fermented Baltic herring, and one of the nastiest things on the planet)

But here's the thing... My coworker (henceforth known as D) is one of those tinfoil-hat wearing nut-jobs that think as soon as his face is on the internet, his identity will be stolen and the government will find him, and his life will be over

That being said, he's agreed to buckle on one account...

Let's have a chat about Halloween movies

We'll do another bracket-style, and I'm thinking 16 movies:

8 Halloween classics
VS
8 scary movies

We'll let the majority decide on what the #ShwastyHalloweenSpecial is going to be, BUT there's another thing to decide (cont'd...) And that... is the format for it

It can either be a #ShwastyLiveTweet like we're all used to

OR

It can be a live recording like what happened with @GeekGoodness

Which means you'd be able to listen to it at any time. We could also do another giveaway

BUT (more cont'd...)

Have you ever had that weird moment of realization that people see you?

Like, okay, hold on

You spend your entire life looking through your own eyes and moving your own limbs. You never see your facial reactions. You don't see how you walk, you just feel it. And then you walk in front of a mirror and think, "fuck, this is what people are looking at?"

So you make a couple of the same gestures and faces in the mirror that you did with other people to see if they look weird

BUT THAT MAKES IT WEIRDER

Alright, so "Lost World"

I'm purposely not reading ANYTHING on the box, but I did see "4 years later" before I closed it

So the park has been abandoned for four years im assuming? And I'm hoping like a motherfucker @jeffreygoldbIum is in it

#JurassicParkLiveTweet starts NOW! #JurassicParkLiveTweet

Shit it's been a while. I'm like... A little nervous?

#ShwastyLiveTweet of #JurassicPark starts NOW

I know this movie is about a dinosaur island, which would been a less appealing name for the movie

I don't know any of the actors in it, or ANYTHING. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something goes horribly wrong, though

HIT IT #ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

I'm prepared y'all

Have I ever told you guys about my certifiably insane coworker? We all know that there's two ways to re-holster toilet paper, right? Over-flap and under-flap. What you think I'm about to say is that he prefers under-flap, like a monster.

Nah son. This fucking psycho leaves the roll on the FLOOR in front of the toilet in the public bathroom.

Awright, here we go. The epic conclusion to the #HungerGamesLiveTweet series, either the finale playing as of right....

......

....

..

.......... Now

Let's do this. #HungerGamesLiveTweet

I seriously don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my day after this

ALRIGHT, #HungerGamesLiveTweet part three!

Big ole flamey mockingjay staring me down here. Its a symbol of peace and Pita not dying ever and Woody deciding to up and just retire to Florida so he lives.

Thats what's gonna happen.

Here we go. #HungerGamesLiveTweet

Opening up like some Matrix shit. This is not reassuring.

Alright, #HungerGames #CatchingFire

Starting now with the #HungerGamesLiveTweet!

J-law has some dark ass makeup going on, but it's kinda doing the trick for me.

HERE WE GO #HungerGamesLiveTweet

Are her eyes changing colors? I swear they weren't blue before.

ALRIGHT

#HungerGamesLiveTweet starts now

I get the feeling I'm woefully unprepared for this. At least with Harry Potter I knew it had to do with magic and stuff.

Whereas I just found out Hunger Games isn't about food this morning.

Anyways, LET'S GO. #HungerGamesLiveTweet

Public reaping?

Alright so

The first time I ever smoked pot... In hindsight there were a lot of red fucking flags that should've prevented me from thinking this was a good idea. Like the fact that the hemp bracelet I used to have gave me a rash...

But I am not a smart man.