Craig G Telfer Profile picture
I'll see to it you don't get apricot one. All views are my own, alright.
Sep 8, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
That England match was trash and a waste of everyone's time, so let's try and salvage the evening by looking at ๐ŸŽญ ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ง๐—ผ๐—ฝ ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ ๐—š๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ฑ ๐—ฆ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ด๐˜€ ๐—ฏ๐˜† ๐—•๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—•๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐˜€ ๐ŸŽญ

We'll prove the phrase "a broken clock is right twice a day", one way or another.

Join me! ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐—˜๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ด by ๐—™๐—ผ๐—ผ ๐—™๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ต๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€ (1997)

Who could have imagined Nirvana's drummer would go on to make some of the dullest music imaginable? Nevertheless, Everlong is sensational, especially the line: "Breathe out so I can breathe you in".

Sep 6, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
I am bored and unwell this evening, so let us kick back and rate ๐“๐ก๐ž ๐“๐จ๐ฉ ๐Ÿ๐ŸŽ ๐’๐จ๐ฉ๐ซ๐š๐ง๐จ๐ฌ ๐ž๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ž๐ฌ!

I spent the past week watching all 86 episodes. I've ran these picks past David Chase and he broadly agrees with them - so fair play to him.

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐—–๐—ผ๐—น๐—น๐—ฒ๐—ด๐—ฒ (season 1, episode 5, 1999)

This is arguable the defining episode of the whole series! Tony takes Meadow on a tour of potential colleges and stumbles upon an FBI informant, which leads to an astonishing game of cat and mouse.

Aug 27, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
After looking back at a litany of terrible music last night, I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of badness that had somehow been omitted!

No more - this evening, we will examine โ˜ ๏ธ ๐•‹๐•™๐•– ๐•‹๐• ๐•ก ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜ ๐•Ž๐• ๐•ฃ๐•ค๐•ฅ ๐•Š๐• ๐•Ÿ๐•˜๐•ค ๐• ๐•— ๐”ธ๐•๐• ๐•‹๐•š๐•ž๐•– (๐•ก๐•’๐•ฃ๐•ฅ ๐•ฅ๐•จ๐• ) โ˜ ๏ธ

Join me! ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐—” ๐—ฆ๐—ธ๐˜† ๐—™๐˜‚๐—น๐—น ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฆ๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜€ by ๐—–๐—ผ๐—น๐—ฑ๐—ฝ๐—น๐—ฎ๐˜† (2014)

Coldplay can occasionally be great but this track shows them at their very worst - bottom-of-the-barrel trash, lowest-common denominator pandering, redundant lyrics about nothing. Awful.

Aug 26, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
I'm bored and unwell so there's probably no better time to list ๐Ÿ‘Ž ๐šƒ๐š‘๐šŽ ๐šƒ๐š˜๐š™ ๐Ÿท๐Ÿถ ๐š†๐š˜๐š›๐šœ๐š ๐š‚๐š˜๐š—๐š๐šœ ๐š˜๐š ๐™ฐ๐š•๐š• ๐šƒ๐š’๐š–๐šŽ ๐Ÿ‘Ž

There are no comedy songs, charity singles or gameshow winners in here - just 10 tracks full of absolutely incomprehensible toot.

Join me! ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐—š๐—ฒ๐˜ ๐—ข๐—ป ๐—ฌ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—•๐—ผ๐—ผ๐˜๐˜€ by ๐—จ๐Ÿฎ (2009)

This is, by some distance, U2's worst song, a terrible single that helped tank the No Line on the Horizon album. Bono mewling about "sexy boots" is as appealing as catching your da licking out your ma.

Aug 24, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
It's a miserable Monday night, so that can only mean one thing - it's time to kick back and look at the ๐Ÿ‘น ๐•‹๐• ๐•ก ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜ ๐•„๐• ๐•˜๐•จ๐•’๐•š ๐•Š๐• ๐•Ÿ๐•˜๐•ค ๐• ๐•— ๐”ธ๐•๐• ๐•‹๐•š๐•ž๐•– ๐Ÿ‘น

Mogwai are one of the best bands to ever come out of this wonderful little country, so let's get loud!

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐— ๐—ผ๐—ด๐˜„๐—ฎ๐—ถ ๐—™๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ ๐—ฆ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ป (1997)

The final track on Mogwai Young Team is one of the band's most striking compositions, rolling through a gamut of emotions across its 16-minute run time. The unexpected arrival of the flute is a rare treat!

Aug 13, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
This evening's football has been poor so I've spent the first half working out the definitive โœจ ๐—ง๐—ผ๐—ฝ ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ ๐—›๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ฆ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ด๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—”๐—น๐—น ๐—ง๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฒ โœจ

These are world-class tracks that bewitch and enrich the listener. Pharrell Williams is nowhere in sight.

Join me! ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐—ฌ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฆ๐—บ๐—ถ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—™๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ by ๐—๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐—ง๐—ฎ๐˜†๐—น๐—ผ๐—ฟ (1977)

James Taylor's gorgeous paean to his lover's quirks sounds like a man ascending to heaven. He is dumbfounded and incredulous and head over heels. Some voice, too - pure honey!

Aug 9, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
Frightened at the prospect of working tomorrow, I have spent the evening listening to every single piece of music ever recorded in a bid to determine the Top 10 Most Exciting Songs of All Time.

This list is exhaustive and renders all debate pointless.

Join me! ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | ๐—ง๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ด๐—ฒ by ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฆ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐˜๐˜€ (2002)

Mike Skinner's finest moment summons Roman gladiators, the ghost of Jimi Hendrix, and the apocalypse over ear-pricking strings and an insistent rhythm. Dense, brilliant and full of tension.

Jul 15, 2020 โ€ข 13 tweets โ€ข 3 min read
There needs to be a better mechanism in place to ease the movement between League 2 and Highland and Lowland Leagues teams. The current set-up sucks and creates an anxious, unnecessary bottleneck at both ends.

Two up, two down, with relevant league reconstruction, I say. This kind of comment annoys me - which League 2 sides "lack ambition"? Which sides are "dead wood"? I don't think either slur can be levelled at any of the 10 teams -

Apr 20, 2020 โ€ข 5 tweets โ€ข 2 min read
I have steadily been working my way through the "horror" section on Netflix while working from home and it gives me no pleasure so say this but I have watched some absolute toot over the past four weeks.

Five movies a day, each one worse than what came before. A true low. Here is a comprehensive list of everything I've watched since lockdown. It starts off reasonably well but, after our journey into the "horror" genre, it's fair to say the whole thing bottoms out! Image
Apr 2, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
Like a lot of people, I had very little to do with myself today. Unlike a lot of people, however, I listened to every Burial track in a bid to determine his Top 10 songs.

Was it fun? Yes, it was. Was it worthwhile? Well, I'll let you be the judge of that!

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Distant Lights (2006)

Distant Lights is one of the highlights of Will Bevan's self-titled debut and an excellent introduction into the artist - tense, claustrophobic and unknowing but, through the gloom, there are moments of real beauty. Lovely!

Mar 29, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
With absolutely nothing better to do with my time, I have listened to the Style Council's entire back catalogue.

I believe them to be one of the most eclectic and underrated bands ever to grace these sceptred isles, and I have worked out their Top 10 greatest songs.

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Wanted (Or Waiter, There's Some Soup in my Flies) (1987)

Slinky and twinkly, this thick slice of American R'n'B is a sparkling single. Dee C Lee is on great form here and "I only want to be wanted" is certainly a sentiment we can all get behind!

Mar 16, 2020 โ€ข 70 tweets โ€ข 30 min read
I have successfully downloaded Football Manager 2020 and I am about to embark on my greatest quest:

I will spend all of Mr Willie Haughey's pocket money in taking the newly professional Queen's Park FC from Scottish League 2 to Champions League winners!

Join me! โšฝ๏ธ๐Ÿค๐Ÿ† Imagine taking a hiding off someone who a) looked like this and b) had never kicked a ball in their puff.

Nevertheless: my first task is to sack all the useless jobbers the club inexplicably allowed to sign professional terms in January and replace them with Pelรฉ Podcast guests. Image
Mar 15, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
Having spent the last two days in self-isolation (with a hangover the size of a three children hiding under a big trenchcoat), I listened to every song written by Frank Ocean.

To pass the time, I will rank his Top 10 tracks of all time. Who knows, it could be fun!

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Provider (2017)

The only non-album track to make this list. A soupy mix of warped vocals, skittering beats and gorgeous electric piano, this is perhaps one of his most straightforward songs in years - and is all the better for it!

Mar 1, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
I spent the past week listening to every Jay-Z album - a truly exhausting exercise - in a bid to determine his Top 10 songs, but I think I just about got there.

(There's only so many times you can listen to someone rap about how much money they have.)

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | 99 Problems (2003)

This is an absolute monster! Rick Rubin's muscular production, all thumping percussion, is tremendous while the second verse, describing a traffic stop by police, contain some of the best "bars" in Jay-Z's career.

Feb 23, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
Kanye West is the most important artist of the past two decades so I sat down with a pen and paper and worked out the Top 10 songs of his career. Sign me up, Pitchfork!

This was a very difficult list to put together - it could easily have been a Top 50.

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Heard 'Em Say (2005)

West examines the socioeconomic issues facing African-Americans while pianos lilt, drums skitter and a bass squelches, but it is the feline vocals of Maroon 5's Adam Levine that take this into the stratosphere. What a hook!

Feb 16, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
I was hanging out with your da last night and I couldn't believe how hard he popped when The War on Drugs came on the stereo - he told me he hadn't felt this way about music since he was 15.

So we put our heads together and worked out their Top 10 greatest songs.

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Red Eyes (2014)

The first single from the tremendous Lost in the Dream LP contains one of the band's best moments: the way pensive verses suddenly burst into bloom with a glorious WOO! that even Ric Flair would be proud of. Truly life affirming!

Feb 2, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
It's a miserable Sunday night so that can only mean one thing: it's time to take a look at the 10 greatest Destroyer songs of all time!

Are there a lot of earlier tracks on this list? No, they're mostly rubbish. Do songs from Kaputt dominate here? Of course they do!

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | It's Gonna Take an Airplane (2014)

This list, perhaps more than any other, is going to enrapture the TL, so let's get it started! With its subtle mellotron backing and subdued percussion, Dan Bejar and his band create a woozy nocturnal mood here.

Jan 19, 2020 โ€ข 11 tweets โ€ข 4 min read
I have spent the last 10 weeks listening exclusively to Van Morrison and feel as though I'm in a good position to rank the 10 greatest songs from his long and winding career.

From pop bangers to soul, from R'n'B to Celtic mysticism, there's something for everyone here.

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Natalia (1978)

Wavelength, with its eye fixed firmly on commercial success, was so-so but it did yield Natalia, a breezy, low-key masterpiece. With its gorgeous guitars, honied backing vocals and easygoing swagger, this really is lovely stuff!

Dec 23, 2019 โ€ข 15 tweets โ€ข 6 min read
In my DVD collection are some movies that are considered to be the worst of all time. I will endeavour to watch one a day over the Christmas break and review it openly and objectively.

Set your phasers to fun! Image KEITH LEMON: THE FILM

(2012, directed by Paul Angunawela)

Letโ€™s kick things off with this shocking blight on British cinema. Cheap, desperate and excruciating, this is one of the grottiest experiences Iโ€™ve ever had.

Everyone associated with this should be ashamed.

โญ๏ธ Image
Dec 1, 2019 โ€ข 12 tweets โ€ข 5 min read
It's a cold Sunday evening so that can only mean one thing: it's time to compile the best Stenhousemuir FC XI of the decade!

Some brilliant players have turned out for the Warriors over the past 10 years so let's stick them in a 4-3-3 formation and celebrate.

Join me! Image GK: Graeme Smith

Stenny have employed some great goalies over the past 10 years but current incumbent Graeme Smith is their very best. Tall, commanding and assured, Buzz is a world-class shot-stopper (where would they be without him!) and tremendous at saving penalties. Image
Aug 25, 2019 โ€ข 12 tweets โ€ข 5 min read
I sat down with elected politicians from my local constituency to discuss The Streets and, after hours of fierce debate, we finally settled on their Top 10 greatest songs of all time. This was largely good fun.

Join me! Image ๐Ÿ”Ÿ | Trust Me (2011)

Computers and Blues, The Streets most recent album, was a so-so affair but this gem tucked towards its closing stretch is a banger. With its sped-up sample and agreeable chord movements, Mike Skinner sounds like he's having fun!