BORIS JOHNSON: “Merry Christmas. At this time of year it’s important to remember those who don’t have a family to celebrate with - like my children.” JEREMY CORBYN: “At Christmas time it is important to remember those less fortunate than you; those without a home, without a family or without a parliamentary majority.”

ROYAL BITCH (A THREAD): Shall we take a quick stroll through the gardens of the Daily Mail to see what utterly abhorrent things Meghan Markle has done to earn their bile this week? I warn you now, she’s a pretty evil human being. HEIR FAIL: Firstly, Meghan Markle made the catastrophic mistake of wearing her hair in a bun. That alone is cause for deportation, frankly.

WHILE I'M HERE: We have news that the puckered slice of mediocrity Quentin Letts is leaving the Mail, no doubt weakened by the absence of his foul-mouthed, fact-averse, bigot-riddled former boss. In celebration of this, let's have a flip back through his best bits, shall we? There was that hilarious time that Letts didn't like the performance of black actor Leo Wringer, so he actually built the idea that his casting was political correctness into his review...

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