My 3rd grade teacher told me I had a "great way of ruining things for people." Now I do comedy. My debut album is available now: https://t.co/aA3kYgFcBR
Nov 11, 2022 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
In 7th grade, my friends and I convinced a large number of students to put the name “Heywood Jablome” in the school raffle and when the principal read the name in the gym, we all screamed for five straight minutes. Everyone got a detention. That’s how Twitter feels now.
Fun little follow-up: The attached high school’s vice principal was more of a martinet and was called in to chastise us. Later that year she was arrested for crack possession. Ohio decides the balance of power in this country.
Oct 31, 2019 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
Republicans, constantly complaining about due process, vote no on due process.
You can’t complain about “secret hearings” on the day officials vote on a public hearing. You’re full of shit @GOPLeader
Nov 11, 2017 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
When I was 20, I walked into a Dunkin’ Donuts bathroom in Manhattan, and while I was standing at a urinal, a man came out of a stall and started masturbating in front of me. I didn’t even report it to the employees. I felt like “yeah, fuck me for using that bathroom.”
This isn’t to say I was traumatized or I know what women go through on a daily basis. I told jokes about the experience that night. But now I think about the fact that I didn’t even warn the cashiers because I was embarrassed... I didn’t report it because why would I?
