Dr. NerdLove Profile picture
Dispensing the best dating advice on the Internet. Send your dating questions to doc@doctornerdlove.com Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor.
Nov 4, 2022 12 tweets 3 min read
Alright, I'm gonna be real for a second: I feel really similarly about Twitter. At the risk of sounding glib, I'm kinda getting tired of billionaires fucking up my job because they got bored or didn't handle the divorce well and decided to wave their dick around. /1 Facebook was a massive, MASSIVE driver of traffic to my site. My professional page was a huge part of how my audience found me and my work and shared it with others. Then Zuck decided to change how pages worked and oops, there went literally half of my traffic. /2
Nov 3, 2022 16 tweets 3 min read
...I really wish people who want advice would quit doing coy word games around their more *ahem* problematic interests like I'm an idiot who won't know exactly what they mean and just *say* it.

Not just because it's insulting but because it's *relevant to the advice*. Yeah, I know, you don't want to be another piece of steak thrown to the hungry commentariat, but mon ami, there are options if you don't want to risk going that route. Ones that guarantee you a private reply!

But also let's be real: you know what some of my advice will be.
Sep 26, 2022 14 tweets 3 min read
OK I know I said I was done but one more thing that comes to mind, because it ties into poor decisions and mistakes folks make, MYSELF VERY MUCH INCLUDED: the whole speed-run thing and trying to get immediate results when meeting people.

Especially getting laid THAT NIGHT. /1 One of the things that fucked *me* up – and i see other folks fall into this trap ALL THE TIME – is getting locked in a "go out, meet someone, have sex that night" mindset. Treating a same-night lay as an ultimate end-goal, w/ "date" and "got her #" as second and third place. /2
Sep 26, 2022 12 tweets 3 min read
I have thoughts about all of this (because of course I do) but at the moment I'm mostly amused at the QTs that're divided between "silly females don't know what they want, do it anyway" and "This is why I gave up on ever dating".

But there're two things that stick out to me. /1 First, as the OP notes, there's a difference between what guys are worried about and what women in that survey say makes someone creepy. Just approaching and trying to start a conversation *isn't* one of them.

(More on that in a second)

It's more "acting like a stalker. /2
Feb 2, 2022 19 tweets 4 min read
I've joked before about how as I've grown up, I've empathized way more with Benny from Rent than the rest of the crew, but the more I work with people on their relationships, the more I'm starting to sympathize with Maureen as well.

No. For real. We're basically set up to think of her as a self-centered, self-important asshole and she is.

She's also someone who has stated exactly who she is and keeps dating people who absolutely REFUSE to accept this in any way, shape or form and then get mad at HER for it.
Dec 23, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
As I’m paying for groceries, the cashier looked over at me and asked “so how do you want to do this?”

Me: um, credit?
Then: yes but how do you want to do this?
Me: … credit?
Them: *points at my hat*
My hat: Look, normally I don’t I pick up on nerd shibboleths, but I am VERY low on coffee today
Nov 2, 2021 34 tweets 6 min read
It's fascinating how, after having done this job for more than a decade (!!!!) I can tell exactly which forums some folks are browsing by the keywords and concerns in their letters to me.

It gets especially fun when you get the combo of r/foreveralone and the latest incel group. There's a *reason* why I've been putting a lot of emphasis on "get the fuck offline" in my advice lately — even when talking about online dating.

These are dudes doing the dating equivalent of searching their symptoms on WebMD. Congratulations, it's CancerSyphilAIDS!
Jul 24, 2021 18 tweets 4 min read
One piece of advice I give nerds whenever they have one of those moments of “but what does this mean??” is to take people at face value.

Nerds — and anyone who grew up being told they’re smart or gifted — overthink EVERYTHING.

We think it’s a superpower. It’s not. /1 The problem with being told you’re smart are the times when that intelligence and cleverness is tested. If it’s part of your identity, you tend to believe everything is about seeking the clever option or that EVERYTHING is a test.

But the world doesn’t work that way. /2
Jul 23, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
Based off today's column: what's the best way you've encouraged someone to flirt with you or hit on you, or that someone has used to let YOU know they were interested? I still remember back in college when a girl I casually knew came in to where I was working on cartoons for the paper and started talking with me about anime and mentioned she had a horror movie back in her room that she wanted to watch but was too scared to watch alone. - c -
Jul 17, 2021 30 tweets 6 min read
It's fascinating what will suddenly unlock understanding.

I've been listening to a lot of @iwriteok's Behind The Bastards, but a recent episode made a few things suddenly snap into place about groupthink and negative reinforcement, esp. how it can run counter to expectations. /1 In the episode about Synanon, Robert Evans and @PFTompkins talk about Synanon's practices, especially "The Game", where Synanon clients sit in a circle and take turns getting VICIOUSLY roasted by everyone around them. Just straight insulted and abused and being accused of shit /2
Mar 7, 2021 22 tweets 4 min read
Today's gentle dating advice: that "experiment" you saw involving online dating apps is almost certainly bullshit for a very large number of reasons starting with the magic phrases "insufficient sample size" and "no control group" and also "that's not how this works." And honestly, that's before we get to the "dudes with grudges trying to 'prove' that women are lazy/crazy/hypergamous and the game is rigged" as well as "somebody absolutely doesn't understand the Pareto Principle and how it doesn't track to attraction and dating".
Mar 6, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
I am, once again, begging nerds to consider the source before taking the opinions of strangers' opinion as gospel, especially when involving something that hits you emotionally.

Just because it lines up with what you're afraid of doesn't make it true or even relevant. If your feeling is "these strangers on this subreddit/YouTube channel/particular string of Tumblrs says that X means I will never do Y" consider: maybe they're bitter assholes or shit-stirrers who say awful things for clout or who just MAY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
Mar 5, 2021 18 tweets 3 min read
Gentlemen, something important to remember: just because YOU don't see it or recognize it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or isn't happening.

Understanding this — particularly where it comes to dating and attraction — makes all the difference in the world. /1 The most common example of this: "women don't need to do anything to get attention, they just need to exist".

Guys who think this have not talked to women.

(We will set aside the difference between "attention" in general and "WANTED attention" and come back to it later.)

Jan 15, 2021 37 tweets 7 min read
Watching Cobra Kai, plus a lot of the manosphere plus the insurrectionists has put me in a mind of the idea of "the world's hard, so I have to make you hard to succeed" and how much that's used to justify... well, pretty much everything. But mostly abuse. /1 You see this outlook all over the place if you make even a cursory glance at just about anything, but *especially* media on the right. The outrage over "PC culture" or, as most of us call it "not being an asshole". Railing against things like banning hazing or spanking. /2
Nov 29, 2020 11 tweets 3 min read
Since this is going around, a few thoughts.

First: this is not a hot take. It's a *stupid* take, but it's also not uncommon at *all*. Mostly around people who are really insecure about relationships and should get their shit sorted with a therapist instead of dating. /1 Image Second: Sooooo it's ok for gay and lesbian married couples to have same-sex friends then? Or did someone forget that same-sex married couples exist?

Or is it just that someone assumed that same-sex relationships are doomed to failure because reasons so oh well? /2
Nov 29, 2020 4 tweets 1 min read
This thread reminds me of something (well, ONE thing) about this gawdawful book I read a couple years ago. The main character was a bestselling author who apparently got the Standard Rich and Famous contract from the end from The Muppet Movie. Literally, one of the perks of his having written ONE (1) best-selling novel wasn't just the introduction to the New York Literatti set but becoming a bonafide celebrity who kept getting recognized in the street by randos.

This made me think "So I see you've watched Castle..."
Mar 30, 2020 17 tweets 3 min read
I swear, one of the worst tricks we men have ever played on ourselves was equating emotional intimacy with *sexual* intimacy.

The fear of "Oh god this might be gaaaaaaaay" has left men so lonely and in so much pain it's unbelievable. It's not really a surprise that guys on the whole tend to have smaller social circles and the relationships they have are shallower and less fulfilling.

We're so averse to doing the things it takes to make a deeper, more lasting connection that we let things wither.
Dec 16, 2019 13 tweets 3 min read
Watching people react both to Kumail Nanjiani getting crazy ripped (phwoar) and also his comments about the effort it took is... interesting.

The problem is that I don't think even his "refreshingly honest" comment about what it took is gonna make a dent. In a way it's kind of the Fight Club/American History X/Wolf of Wall Street problem: there's going to be so much "woah, look at how AWESOME this is" that people are going to neglect or overlook the part about "hey it took A YEAR OF DOING NOTHING ELSE AND DISNEY'S RESOURCES"
May 25, 2019 8 tweets 2 min read
Even if you feel like it’s unfair, just take the L and go. Nobody has EVER argued their way out of being creepy. Incidentally, since I've seen a few "well they wouldn't have rejected him if he was Leonardo DiCaprio" or something come out of the woodwork.

A) wanna bet?

B) Cool story bro but he wasn't Leo. Shit don't transfer like that.
May 25, 2019 186 tweets 24 min read
Alright folks, We’ve got booze, we’ve got snacks, I’ve dragooned Mrs. Dr. NerdLove into this. Let’s get this bullshit on the road.

It’s time for... The Test. Interesting note: I briefly looked for a (ahem) alternate source for this movie.

There weren’t any.

Nobody wants to pirate it.
Let that sink in for a second.
Mar 23, 2019 12 tweets 2 min read
Well it’s Saturday at AggieCon and I’m hopped up on so many meds I’m seeing vapor trails. Means it’s a perfect time to talk about something that comes up a lot whenever I table at a con: a subtle way that we end up reinforcing toxic masculine tropes. /1 So when I table at cons, I’ve got my banner, my merch, my cards and my books. All of which make it clear that I do dating advice.

Inevitably, there are folks who will walk by with their friend, son, brother or whatever and say “you need this” /2