Can't lie, it's stressful but when you clock that it's just their body that has developed waaaay faster than their brain, so that's a (mostly) confused (still) Little Human who just happens to be taller than you, BEGGING to be understood, it changes how you relate to them

https://twitter.com/mxmsworld/status/1716806851944415704

They NEED firm boundaries. They NEED to be checked. They just happen to also desperately NEED connection, which is what they're looking for with their peers, hence the risky behavior, which is why we're mad at them & then disconnect from them, which is sorta kinda why we're stuck

What I'm hearing from this greet first or don't greet first convo is that our need to be acknowledged is alive & well
All the guiding & posturing is just us protecting ourselves from the very painful feelings that come with not being rated & I hope we'll validate it for ourselves Who doesn't want to be acknowledged & rated? The need for love & belongingness is a core primal need. Unmet, the pain registers like physical pain. & the thing with core needs is we're all (regardless of social ranking) looking to get them met (in helpful or unhelpful ways).

I'm frustrated you're not hearing me, you're frustrated I'm not hearing you & the conversation isn't going anywhere.
It's highly unlikely that we're both going to be at the exact same Collaborative Communication level, even if we've been learning together, like in couples therapy So knowing that it's perfectly normal for you to hear what you hear, regardless of what was said (and vice versa) is essential.
That way when you hear them say what they heard, you're not hearing an attack. You're hearing them describe their perception.

I remember one time when David was 9 or so, I told him I felt disrespected about something he did. He said I hurt his feelings by thinking he would ever disrespect me because he loves me and he would never
Me: I had to think about that for a bit because how is this about you or your hurt feelings??? I wasn't even mad because we had been working on him using his feeling words, but I wasn't expecting that twist.
Well I'm sorry to hear your feelings are hurt. Thank you for letting me know

I think people worry about validating (children's) feelings because they think it okays any and every behavior. It doesn't. My child is allowed to be mad at me because that's a valid feeling, I get mad too. They're not allowed to be disrespectful, I'm not allowed to as well. Feelings are valid because how we feel is how we feel. Our feelings are a priori (“before the fact”) valid, whether or not our perceptions/thoughts/beliefs we have of the situation are true/accurate. Like if you touch a hot surface that feeling you get, you can't unfeel it.

I was walking out of a store yesterday & I started to feel the spiral. I stared talking to myself right there. Pẹlẹ Gbemi, ki lo ṣẹlẹ? They didn't accept the return, you didn't like that yeah? Why tho? I think the babe thought I was scamming? Why does what she think matters? It just does! Sure? Well there were other people there, what if they think I'm a scammer too? Oh okay, pẹlẹ, you care what they think, yeah that makes sense, evidence you're not sociopathic, oh ok, now what? I want to feel better, what can help? Rush some blood to your brain?

Children just got here and need help learning how to navigate the world ESPECIALLY when they're dysregulated or acting out. But that's when they get into trouble with us because it's their behavior we can see, not their thoughts or feelings. So we're stuck in a reactive loop. The most common request I get from parents is to work with their children so problems can go away. I'm more interested in working with the adult because you're the one with more power in that system, if you change the system will. Also the one with the fully formed upstairs brain

A child carrying around the weight of letting their parents down doesn't sound like such a harmful thing until you think about how it may has impacted you as an adult. Not ever thinking of yourself as good enough even now, because you tried and failed to meet their expectations. We're you a kid with a developing brain who was learning how to navigate the world? Who needed guidance and teaching and correction?
Or were you a bad kid, a disappointment, who only brought your parents shame? We're you useless? Good for nothing?
How's that playing out now?

How do I say this thing without parents vexing for me 🤔
Pay attention to how we talk about punishment. Is it more about us, our feelings, how they made us look bad or embarrassed us?
Or is it about the child who we're discipling to become the best version of themselves possible? I didn't like it when my therapist asked me about what was really under all of those feelings that were showing up as the string desire to be harsh. Was it really about my concern for my child's future? Their learning?
Or how I was perceived by others? How my child made me look?

Friendly reminder that what needs punishment is behavior, not the child.
Punishment = anything immediately following a behavior that reduces future likelihood of occurrence of the behavior. The effectiveness of punishment is measured by impact not severity. Faced with this same or similar scenario next time, what choice is this child more likely to make?
If the goal is for the child to develop the internal locus of control that empowers them to make good choices, whether or not I'm there, how does this punishment help achieve that?