After my birthday, I sat down on our soakaway to really think about my life. No salary. No company. No car. No nothing.

Only to sell the thing wey no be my own I know.

Is this how I will enter 30 and be doing nonsense with my life? I've not even finished thinking when I saw landlord carrying AC, Fridge, Gen, Stabilizer to the backyard.

I shout yes! I have found work that will cure my depression. I carry phone.

My mummy told my daddy that heat is too much and he should buy new AC. So my father stormed out of the house and came back with this.

Me, I don even dey dance say our house will now be cold. When Uncle Waidi, our electrician, finished fixing the AC, I asked my daddy for the remote because I want to on AC.

He hissed and said ‘Ask your mother’.

I don know say remote no dey niyen. No wam. AC will sha on.

Sunday Morning In Alagba's Church.

My Father: (pushes me) Kneel down there! Kneel down and tell Alagba what you did!

Me: (kneels & mumbles)

My Father: (removes cap and slaps my head) I said open your mouth!

Me: (frowns) I circumcise my father-in-law. My father: Sen gbo werey? It's yesterday we did wedding o! Yesterday - Saturday - that we gave them this girl! Today, early morning Sunday, she has reach my house back!

Me: Hmmn... Me I know all will be well, Daddy.

My father: All will never be well with your mother's family.

Available for new relationships. 🥲

Me: *somberly removes clothes and wipes a tear*

As tears fall from my eyes, so will tears fall from thi...

Vigilante: (screams) Who is there!

Me, naked in the bush: Vigilante: (switches on torch) I say who is there!!

Me: Don't (wears pant) Don't come o! I'm a spirit!

Vigilante: (cocks gun)

Me: It's joke I'm joking o. Stop cocking gun o!

My Introduction Party.

Father-in-law: We have come to pluck a flower in your garden.

Dad: (smiles and adjusts cap)

Mum: Hauwa, bring cold water for your inlaws o!

Me: (shyly enters with water and kneels)

Me: (sniffs... sniffs again) Uhn! Uhnnnn! Me: Baba Oko mi?

Father-in-law: Yes, my daughter?

Me: Is it your leg that is smelling like mile 12?

My Dad: AH!

Sahid Mechanic bursts into our house.

Sahid: Where is that madwoman that you...

Me: (comes out with aso-oke and starts dancing) My husband has come oh!

Sahid: (confused) Hope you're not mad? Which husband? Big Daddy: Our inlaw, you're late for your introduction o.

Sahid: Is everybody in this family mad? Who propose to your daughter?

Inside our family parlour.

DPO: (stares)

Grandpa: (scratches scrotum)

Me: (bites eko)

DPO: Who put Agbowa police station inside last will and testament? Grandpa: (stands up) I want to pray Ashamu.

DPO: Which Ashamu? I said who put our station inside will?

Grandpa: Ashamu time is...

Me: (cuts fish and chews) Grandpa, I've told you to stop doing like you're mad before they pack you to Aro one day.

Grandpa:

(Asalatu - Alfa connects mic)

Alfa Agba: (clears throat) As you all know, Alfa Ramoni has been in Pakistan since 2009. This year, we want to donate to bring him home.

Alfa Nuru: (takes mic) I will donate N5,000!

Alfa: Attakbir!

Everyone: (shouts) Allahu Akbar! Alhaja Purewater: I will donate N10,000 and cook rice for his welcome party!

Alfa Kazeem: And I will bring drinks and canopy!

Alfa: Attakbir!!

Me: Allahu Akbar!!!

(Inside Kabiyesi's palace)

Me: *reaches for the dodo on the table*

Oloye Balogun: *slaps my hand* Where did you take Kabiyesi to?

Me: Spain.

Ifa priest: Shut up! Ifa said Kabiyesi is inside Sahara Desert!

Me: If you know that one, why are you now asking me? Oloye Otun: Didn't we pay for a European tour?

Me: Sahara desert is not far from Europe.

Oloye Otun: Call the person taking him! Now!

Me: *Dials Kabiru*

Kabiru: (screams) Kabiyesi! Bring Fanta to this place!

Me: Which Fanta? Where are you people?

Everybody is in the parlour
Daddy Supo's chest is bandaged.

Everybody:

Me: *pours juice in cup*

Big Daddy: *Slaps my hand* Will you go and kneel down there!

Me: Us we don't use to knee down in our own family o

My Father: *Pushes me* Which stupid family? Go and kneel down! Me: *Goes to kneel in front of them*
Big Daddy: Now, tell us what happened.

Me: Me I don't know what happened

Daddy Supo: Hope you're not mad?

Me: *Frowns* Last week, Daddy Supo saw me counting money. He asked me where I saw money and I told him that it is from my egbe.

It is 1AM and I'm walking through the forest, holding a calabash. Baba is behind me.

Baba: *Shakes shekere* Turn right! No! Left!

Me: *side eye*

Baba: Turn anoda left!

Me: *Stops and stares at him* Don't lie for me Baba. Have we lost? Baba: Ehn?

Me: I say have we lost? Because this is the third time I am seeing this tree.

Baba: *Frowns* Which stupid tree?

Me: *Points at Iroko tree*

Baba: *Looks at the tree* *Turns around* *scratches head* *Brings out compass & points it at my forehead*

Me:

IT IS 9PM
My Uncle and I are at our prophetess' house.

Me: ...

Prophetess: ...

Uncle: *glares at me*

Me: *Stares at the sliced bread on the table*

Uncle: *Pushes me* Won't you beg her?

Me: *kneels* I'm sorry for carrying all the titus fish inside your cold room, Ma. My Uncle: *eyes me* And what again?

Me: And for sucking petrol from God's generator.

Uncle: And??

Me: Cropping your hand away from your body and using it for GoFundMe.

Witches Association Meeting.
Myself and 5 other women are circling a large calabash.
The woman behind me steps on my cloth

Me: *Turns to her* You can't see your leg on my cloth?

(We continue but she steps on it again)

Me: Who be dis? I say you're marching my... Leader: Heis Heis! Everybody stop! Hauwa what?

Me: She has been marching my cloth since morning.

Leader: *Looks at me* What are you wearing?

Me: (Smoothes PDP agbada) Is cloth.

Leader: Can't you see what we are all wearing?

*She points to their red wrappers*

Here are just a few of the things I get up to.

Thread. Mummy Ola: Where is our GeePee tank?

Me: I sold it & used the money to buy Shawarma

Mummy Ola: You sold it for N1,200???

Me: No but is it one time I will eat Shawarma?

Introduction.

Kabiru: Big Daddy, this is the girl I want to marry

Big Daddy: EHN?! TALK LOUD!

Kabiru: (Moves closer) I SAY THIS IS OUR WIFE!

Big Daddy: Oh! Okay Okay. Welcome mai dia.

Me: (Kneels) Good Afternoon Big Daddy! Big Daddy: Make tea for yourself and feel at home.

Me: (Smiles shyly) *Hums and shovels milo into my cup* *Packs milk inside* *Sings Davido and cuts bread* *Tastes the tea and nods*

Big Daddy:

Meeting of the Association of Army Wives
(Ikeja Division)

Leader: I know it is hard but our husbands are out there fighting for the safety of our nation!

Women: *Nod*

Me: (Nods and reaches for the sausage on the table) You dinor lie. Oyin: My husband has been gone for six months and I miss him everyday.

Me: Ehya *Picks spring roll*

Chika: My baby has not spoken to me in over a month!

Me: (Drinks Chivita and shakes head) Ebube Chisos

Amina: My husband sent me a message today! 😃