1/ Unfolding illusions

"A moment of calm, the evening light casting no shadows, just an illusion all is ok."

Elsewhere I wrote the above. As we walked and talked, the pebbles crunching and shifting under our feet, I lifted off a mask, my fear I'll never run a marathon again, 2/ as I currently fatigue easily when I try doing more exercise - an effect not only of not being with my grief for many years and pushing on, but also from the virus, I am pretty sure I have had it.

As well as the sense of my actions not being enough, that all I am doing seems

1/4 Yesterday @ChildlessWeek was Comments that hurt, based around lockdown experiences.

I contributed a piece entitled Resonance and yesterday resonance struck. I just stopped, there was tears, well more like a 20 minute sob for the accumulation of grief, 2/4 of feelings of shame and of loneliness. I just felt disconnected and had had enough of lockdown. Great timing as we enter a local lockdown...

In the end I wrote and played new songs on my guitar. It helped, as did chips at the seaside.

1/ "On his hands and knees he waits. He imagines soft voices and smiles. The slam of a car boot startles him; his eyes burst open, wide, light pours in, his body assesses for signs of an attack. The gate swings open, four small wheels roll along the path; a deafening war cry." 2/ It is @ChildlessWeek in September & I have contributed to it over the past couple of years. By sharing my experiences I have found connection, I have been heard & found a sense of belonging. The process of creating stories & art, has been helpful in my healing & acceptance.

1/ Making new memories.

Arnside Knott is a local hill, a place we have walked together, with friends, with family. I place I have run alone, and with friends. It is layered in memories of my, of our, childlessness journey and grief. It is part of the way of the dead. 2/ It is where we walked one Catmas day. It is where we have mourned. It is where I have exhausted myself running. Running away from my grief, running to process it and running to remember our lost children. Last week we returned and took a different route,

1/4 I am aware I have been away from here for a lot of this year, the ongoing pandemic certainly took me elsewhere. That elsewhere strongly resonated with my childless grief, the isolation, the disconnection, the loss, the high alert. 2/4 During the grief often it was all I could do to just function and get through the days. During the pandemic, on the whole, I have been able to recognise and be with my feelings and do things that helped me.

1/6 Grief journeys

Somedays it is beautiful, days full of exploration, of curiosity. The sun is out and it warms my battered heart, offering hope of healing, of a life that will be just as alive as if we had kids.

#childlessnotbychoice #planb #healing #childlesscommunity 2/6 On other-days I plunge into an internal void, where my childless sadness grapple-hooks past tortures. Even so the sun is out, it just burns my skin, as I forget to care for myself. For I repeat past stories that scream I am not worth it.

#childless #invisiblegrief #grief