@JimMFelton's Threads
We used to deliberately try to make people cry on Valentines Day (#Valentines2020 thread)
amazon.co.uk/52-Times-Brita…
amazon.co.uk/52-Times-Brita…
Valentine's Day is a day when people around the world celebrate love. We used to use it as a day to tell strangers we thought they were a wanker.
Between the 18 and 1940s, as well as regular "yeah I quite fancy you to be honest" Valentines cards, there started a tradition of sending out "Vinegar Valentines" - cards to tell people you secretly hated them, or some other horrible thing that you would never say to their face.
Just to give you a bit of background about how fucking outrageous this is, let me tell you about how we stole these islands from their rightful owners by *pretending they didn’t exist*.
bbc.co.uk/news/uk-505118…
bbc.co.uk/news/uk-505118…
Of all the horrendous stuff I wrote about for my book, this one really stuck with me.
When the British Empire was breaking up, we couldn't resist one last act of being a total arsehole just for old time's sake.
amazon.co.uk/52-Times-Brita…
When the British Empire was breaking up, we couldn't resist one last act of being a total arsehole just for old time's sake.
amazon.co.uk/52-Times-Brita…
That opportunity came when it was time to give back Mauritius and grant it independence. America, however, had their eye on Diego Garcia, part of the Chagos Islands (which were about to fall under Mauritian sovereignty).
What's the weirdest/most terrifying urban legend someone has told you, believing it to be true?
Here's mine, about a guy whose colleague rang his wife to ask why he'd stopped showing up to work.
Here's mine, about a guy whose colleague rang his wife to ask why he'd stopped showing up to work.
Ok. So a colleague at an old job told me this.
Obvious caveats: I heard this third or fourth hand, I'm recanting it from memory, it's clearly bollocks, and if it isn't I bagsy the short film rights.
Obvious caveats: I heard this third or fourth hand, I'm recanting it from memory, it's clearly bollocks, and if it isn't I bagsy the short film rights.
She tells me about a "friend of a friend" who got a phonecall from one of her husband's colleagues one day, asking where her husband is.
The colleague asks what's going on, was he sick? They're worried.
The colleague asks what's going on, was he sick? They're worried.
We beat the shit out of the Welsh for speaking Welsh in Wales (thread)
amazon.co.uk/52-Times-Brita…
amazon.co.uk/52-Times-Brita…
There's nothing the English find more offensive than foreigners in their own country speaking their own language. Just ask someone who works in a restaurant in Magaluf. And ask them in English for Christ's sake, it's the only way they'll learn.
This has been true for centuries. We thought foreigners sounded weird back in time where we'd happily start a sentence with "yea verily".
A friend in the army once told me how he got into a fight with his horse and ended up biting the horse. He got in trouble because technically the horse outranked him.
He went on this massive rant about how everyone automatically took the side of officer horse because of its rank
He went on this massive rant about how everyone automatically took the side of officer horse because of its rank
I kept on asking him how he got into a fight with a horse and he kept telling me “you haven’t met this horse. This horse is a prick.”
When I asked him to elaborate, he listed regular horse behaviours. It kept trying to eat hay. Wasn't keen on staying still. Normal horse stuff.
When I asked him to elaborate, he listed regular horse behaviours. It kept trying to eat hay. Wasn't keen on staying still. Normal horse stuff.
Was fascinated about the power dynamic. Does he have to follow the horse if the horse nods in a certain direction? When it shits on the ground does he have to take this as feedback and maybe salute? Friend not interested, asks me "whose side are you on".
This is the story of Poo Nan, or as she calls it “my 9/11”.
It was September 11, 2001, aka September 11.
My Nan went swimming for fun. It wasn’t disrespectful, she didn’t know 9/11 was about to happen.
My Nan went swimming for fun. It wasn’t disrespectful, she didn’t know 9/11 was about to happen.
She gets in the pool. Everything seems normal. But, unbeknownst to her, someone has forced a shit out in the pool.
2016:
“Brexit will improve your lives”
2019:
“Your survival rests upon Greg the medical supply lorry driver resisting the urge to crank one out in a car park behind a Matalan in Kent”
thetimes.co.uk/article/lorry-…
“Brexit will improve your lives”
2019:
“Your survival rests upon Greg the medical supply lorry driver resisting the urge to crank one out in a car park behind a Matalan in Kent”
thetimes.co.uk/article/lorry-…
2016:
“There’ll be no downsides to brexit only considerable upsides”
2019:
“There’ll be a significant increase of people wanking in car parks”
“There’ll be no downsides to brexit only considerable upsides”
2019:
“There’ll be a significant increase of people wanking in car parks”
Anyone who isn’t jacking it behind some bins in a Homebase car park on week one is a remoaner imo
Ok I promised if this got 100 retweets I'd reveal a dark secret about milk coke, so here goes [thread]
First a little background. A while back I tweeted about my delicious drink I like to drink. You full fat coke with warm UHT milk at a ratio of 2:1.
For some reason this went around the world. I had people from Japan and the US telling me I was a disgusting pervert. Someone on the street called me a "milk coke cunt".
independent.co.uk/life-style/foo…
independent.co.uk/life-style/foo…
VidEo GaMes DoNT LeAd To VioLenCe
Honk honk, motherfuckers
Seriously who the fuck taught this goose comedy timing??
I love the determined look on his face like:
“Yeah. I heard. I heard about your ban and I don’t care. This is happening and there’s nothing any of you pen-pushers at city hall can do to stop me.”
“Yeah. I heard. I heard about your ban and I don’t care. This is happening and there’s nothing any of you pen-pushers at city hall can do to stop me.”
1900:
“In this new age, with these new automatons, we cannot begin to fathom what wonders mankind will achieve, what marvellous future awaits”
2019:
“Please stop putting your dick in the hairdryers sir, this is for your own protection”
“In this new age, with these new automatons, we cannot begin to fathom what wonders mankind will achieve, what marvellous future awaits”
2019:
“Please stop putting your dick in the hairdryers sir, this is for your own protection”
"What are you going to do about it? Call your police? I think it's clear I'm no-longer bound by your 'laws'. No person alive can control me."
People glued their naked bums to the glass and had to be peeled off by the police and it was still wasn’t the stupidest thing that happened in Parliament today
Seemed weird at the time but now I look back at the time people glued their bums to parliament as a rare moment of sanity
It was just nice to see people who had made a decision. It wasn’t the best decision, they were going to glue their bums to the glass for a bit, but at least *something* got decided in Parliament.
Please march on Saturday. Yes, May will probably ignore it. But worst case scenario, you've slightly improved your fitness for next month when you have to hunt rats for meat.
(My article for the Independent)
independent.co.uk/voices/brexit-…
(My article for the Independent)
independent.co.uk/voices/brexit-…
If the government can vote for the same thing 3 times in five months, it seems a tad unfair we're forced to stick by a decision we made several years ago at a time when we were so dumb as a people we still thought the mannequin fucking challenge was cool.
Even Nadine Dorries tweeted: "I will not vote for it and never could vote for a deal that makes us servants to 27 member states" in January before tweeting "I voted for the deal" in March.
Sort of feels like we should be able to change our minds as well.
Sort of feels like we should be able to change our minds as well.
Guide to twitter trends so you don't have to look:
Theresa May = Nothing has changed
Kate Hoey = She's said something shitty about the border
David Davis = Negotiator who couldn't negotiate has an idea for negotiations
Dominic Raab = See David Davis
Theresa May = Nothing has changed
Kate Hoey = She's said something shitty about the border
David Davis = Negotiator who couldn't negotiate has an idea for negotiations
Dominic Raab = See David Davis
Nadine Dorries = Mother of god, she still doesn't understand the EU
Liam Fox = Guy who guaranteed there'd be deals lined up after brexit has said something along the lines of "brexit won't be the fucking apocalypse"
Jeremy Hunt = Foreign secretary insulted a foreign state
Liam Fox = Guy who guaranteed there'd be deals lined up after brexit has said something along the lines of "brexit won't be the fucking apocalypse"
Jeremy Hunt = Foreign secretary insulted a foreign state
Boris Johnson = He's lied again
Stephen Barclay = Click to find out he's brexit secretary, then to realise he really fucking shouldn't be
Sajid Javid = Uh oh immigrants, click to see some racism
Philip Hammond = Economy is fucked but he's pretending it's not
Stephen Barclay = Click to find out he's brexit secretary, then to realise he really fucking shouldn't be
Sajid Javid = Uh oh immigrants, click to see some racism
Philip Hammond = Economy is fucked but he's pretending it's not
Theresa May dances like she’s had her freedom of movement surgically removed
She dances like she’s had any sense of rhythm deported from her body
Theresa May dances like a newborn gazelle that’s been shot with a tranquilizer gun ahead of an operation for piles
